Let's go back to the beginning ...

As my first post, I wanted to talk a little bit about my journey. Warning, this might be a long post.
 
The first time I remember coming in confrontation with my stuttering was when I was 7.
I was in my first year in middle school and I was a bit 'slower' then everybody else. My teacher, who was a lovely woman and I'm still so greatfull for everything she did for me, recommended to go see a doctor who deals in speakingproblems, dyslexia and that sort of thing. Now, seeing as I was 6 years old, I don't remember a lot of it anymore. The thing I do remember is that I had go sit in a room and I had to pronounce certain sounds/letters/words etc.
I also had to do these tests that would tell if I was 'behind' on the other kids or not.

 After 3 hours of this kind of torture, don't forget I was a kid and I had the concentration of a fish, the doctor came in and told my parents I would never be able to finish middle school because of my disfluency in speaking and reading. He suggested going to this school that was specialized in kids who had a handicap.

My parents took the results to my teacher and she was not having it. She told my parents there was nothing wrong with me and that I would be able to do great if I just had a little bit more help.
It's not because a kid has a stutter, he or she is behind on everyone else. People should really get that into their head.

So I kept on going to the same school until I was 13. I felt good there. I didn't feel like an outcast.The teachers and kids knew that I had a stutter and the accepted me for it. I got help whenever I needed it.
Did I get laughed at? Yes I did. But I knew that I could get trough this. I needed to.

To help me, I did follow speech therapy from ages 6 until 12. In the beginning I had to go 3 times a week for an hours. So I would come home, eat, go to therapy, come home and do my homework. Then It was straight to bed. You could say I didn't really have a lot of free time. Ofcourse, over the years the therapy went from 3 hours a week, till 1 hour a week.

From my 13th till my 18th I went to high school in the same schoolcomplex as middle school.
Ofcourse high school is a whole different kind of deal. New people, new teachers, new classes ... in other words, a new kind of stress.
Overall I can't complain about my high school experience. Again, I had good teachers and nice classmates.

I remember that during the second class of German, I had to repeat a sentence. I got so nervous that I couldn't say anything. The teacher asked me what was wrong and I told her that I had a stuttering problem.
She was so sweet about and she let me and my other classmate who had the same thing, come by during lunch so that we could practice German together.
My English teacher also did the same. I still appreciate this so much.
Presentations or reading assignments were also seperated. I had the chance to do them seperated from the group.
It might seem like a preferential treatment but my grades were depending on this. I wasn't bad at German or English, but being with 13 other people got me too nervous to speak or read. I wasn't going to let this problem take away my good grades.

Because of some problems I did return to speech therapy at the end of the schoolyear. Eventhough I was doing pretty good and my stuttering wasn't a big problem, I didn't feel good in my own skin. Having this was slowly making me more insecure.

So by this time I graduated middle and high school. So, eat this doctor whatever you name was.
I had to work very hard, that's no secret. When others were at a party, I was home. Studying and having no life. So it sure wasn't easy.

After this it was time for college. I did go to speech therapy during this whole first year.
I studied nursing. Long story short, it was not my thing. Eventough I loved to help people, I didn't feel 100% sure of it.
My stuttering felt better, so that was not the main problem. The problem was me.

After failing my internship I decided to do something totally different. I choose a bachelor education in finances and insurances. To this day, I still don't regret it.

So again, new school, new teachers and new classmates. But I felt more comfortable in my own skin. On the first day I already had new friends and I felt more sure of myself, thanks to An and her amazing therapy.

I'm not going to go into detail of my years in college. But I am going to talk a bit about my last year.
Your last year of college is the year with the most of stress. For me the stress became a bit unbareble.
It got to the point where I didn't knew how to handle my stutter anymore. It felt out of control. I felt like I needed help.  I felt exhausted, I felt empty.  I needed someone to talk to so I went to the counselor in school. Once a week we talked about everything. She really helped me to get trough these last months in school.

After 6 months of classes and exams it was time for the last part, the internship. I got an internship at a local insuranceagent. I already knew the boss because he is a friend of my parents. The internship itself went pretty well.  The hardest part for me what getting over my fear of phonecalls. But we will get into that later on.
I graduated in june and I got a full time job at my internship a week after my graduation. So things were going pretty well.

Yes things were going pretty well. But I still had the same feelings as before. Maybe even more now because I had to deal with these phonecalls every single day from now on. I had to deal with people looking at me weird because I can not talk fluently. I had to deal with people getting mad at me on the phone because I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't keep hiding this frustration anymore.

In november I decided to go back to a speech therapist. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep on going like I was fine while I wasn't. This thing was eating me up inside. It was making me even more scared that I was before.
I searched for a therapist and that's where I found Leen. My first meeting with her felt like I was talking to someone I knew for a while. And that is when you know you have found the right therapist. I didn't feel judged.

I have been going to Leen for about 6 months now. During those 6 months there have been a lot of ups and downs. Most of them are psychological. It felt like all I did was cry about this.
The hardest part right now is trying to accept that this stutter is still here. When I was little I always thought that by the time I turned 23, it would have been gone. Sadly enough, there is no quick cure for this. It's a long time process and I still have a long time to go.
For now, I am just learning how to accept this. If I have learned anything, it's the fact that there is no use in fighting this because it won't just go away. 

I hope you guys take this journey with me.


I would really appreciate it if you leave me a note to tell me what you think of my blog so far.
I would just love to know if you think I should keep going with this or not.