What I see when I look in the mirror

Looking at ourselves can be a hard thing to do. Are we who we want to be? Are we proud of who we are? 
For me it's not any different. I'm a really insecure person. I don't like to look at myself or reflect on myself. For this post, I decided to do exactly that. 

I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Trying to reflect of what kind of a person I am today. Is this who I thought I would be?

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at two different people. One of them is insecure, overwelmed with thoughts, and the other one is proud of what she has already achieved. She feels confident at times even with all of these fears in her head.

I like that I'm a combination of both. Because 1 year ago, I would be writing something very different. I wouldn't be writing about 2 people. I would be writing about one, a very insecure girl that let's her stuttering get the best of who she is. A girl who doesn't believe in herself anymore. A girl that is losing a struggle to her stuttering. I felt ashamed of the person I was.

Right now I see someone that is very hard to handle and who hates receiving negative comments because she is very demanding on herself. But sometimes, she just can't be bothered. 
I see someone who has a voice but is sometimes afraid to out it because she is scared that people won't listen to her. 
I see someone that is not afraid of challenges because she doesn't want people to see her as someone vulnerable.

I worked very hard to get to where I am today. And that's something that shows. When I look at myself I also see someone that's tired. And I'm not talking about physically tired. What I mean is that some days, I get tired mentally. 
I always try to be postive. I get down pretty easily and that makes my stuttering worse. To avoid that I try to always look on the bright sight of things and I try to not let anything get me down. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It's hard to always give yourself a peptalk, sometimes you just want to let it out and cry, scream, anything. 
The fact that I try to not do that makes me tired. Tired of always trying to be a happy, cheerfull and positive person. 

When I close my eyes for a second and look back at myself, I see a fighter. A person who might be tired and insecure, but someone who keeps on going because that is the only thing that you can do. 
I've never been someone that gives up. At school I was behind on reading because, due to my stuttering, I couldn't read as fluent as other children in my class and that's why I got put in the lowest group. It was just me and one other girl. Every night I read to myself in order to get where the other kids were. I knew that I could read fluently, it just wouldn't happen when I had to do it in class. Eventho that might have been the case, I never stopped trying. I wanted to, but I never did. 

Stutterers have to fight their whole lives. Fight to prove themselves to others and even to ourselves. We are very insecure people but we will rarely show that. We put ourselves away because we think we are not worth other people their time. 
But we are strong. Don't think we're weak human beings, trust me, we're not. 
We have gone trough more stress than you can ever imagine. 

When I look in the mirror, I see someone that I'm proud of. I see a hard worker, someone that can barely sit still and who loves cleaning a little bit to much. Someone who loves making others happy and who is glad that she has the life she has. 

I see someone who sometimes wishes she didn't have a stutter. Who wishes to be like everyone else. But when she really thinks about it, she wouldn't have it any other way. 
My stutter might be a big pain in the ass, but I can't imagine my life without it. I've met some really nice people because of it and I've done some things I would have never done otherwise. It makes me see the world differently and It makes me appreciate good days even more. 

I see someone who loves to laugh and who loves to make others laugh. I also see a very sarcastic person who doesn't give out to many changes. Don't try to get on her bad side because you will forever stay there. 
I see someone who has been hurt a lot and has trust issues because of it. But once she does trust you, she would stick her hand in a fire for you. 

But most of all, I see someone who, at this moment, is happy. 
And after everything, that truely feels amazing. 


What do you guys see when you look in the mirror? 
Don't be afraid to reflect on yourself and give yourself some credit. You have already overcome a lot. Treat yourself to some positive comments to lift yourself up. 


Have a great weekend everyone! 

xx
Natasja 

My experience today.

Today started as such a good day at work. I did a lot of phonecalls and I was very pleased with the results. I felt like I was on a roll today.

Sadly enough, sometimes things happen that can ruin your day. It can be something small, but it can also be something big. I don't even know if mine was big or small, I just know that my whole day was ripped to shreds just because of one comment.

Normally I don't write about these things. I want to keep a positive vibe on this blog. I don't want to complain and I don't want to be negative, because that won't help anyone. 
But I really feel like I have to talk about this. I need to talk about this to get it of my chest. But I also want you to take a look into my life. Into my stories. Because sadly enough it's not only rainbows and butterflies. 

So what happened?

I had to call a client to ask if she wanted to bring some documents to the office. I needed them to make a good price offer for her car. 
I called her a couple of times but she didn't pick up the phone. After a while she called back herself and I started to explain everything. I blocked. Not a big blockage, not a blockage that worried me or had me stressed. Just a small blockages that sometimes happends and goes away after 1 second. That 1 second was the worst one yet. This woman didn't let me finish. 
From the moment I blocked all she kept saying was 'Hello'. Hello Hello Hello. It was like a train rushing by not leaving me any space to talk. Because this stressed me so much, I couldn't get anything out anymore. This woman was so stressed herself that I couldn't calm myself down. 
She decided to come to the office so that I could explain it to her in person. 

When she came to the office I felt worried. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't feel like talking to this person anymore. 
I tried to gather my courage and explain everything to her again. From the minute that I paused between my words this woman started it all again. 'You're doing it again. Why can't you talk fluently? I thought there was a problem with the phone, it's not the phone ... it's you. If you can't talk to me fluently, I can't understand you'. 
These words cut me like a knife. At first I didn't know how to react. I didn't know wether to explain it all to her or just leave it. This woman wouldn't understand it either way. 
'Sometimes I have problems speaking fluently' I said to her. She looked at me with this grin on her face. I couldn't figure out why this seemed to be so funny.

I tried to get to the point again and asked her if she wanted to get me the documents. 
After a while of talking she finally started to leave. But before she left, she needed to ask me the one question that I always hate. 'So what's your name?' ... Seriously, why couldn't this woman just leave me alone for the day? Maybe I was overreacting but at that point I wanted to be alone. Away from everyone. I took a deep breath and tried to get my name out. She gave me about 3 seconds before saying 'see, you're doing it again' ... Again with that grin on her face... I breathed out and said my name. She didn't listen.  'My brother couldn't talk fluently either, he got therapy. You know you can get rid of it right?'. I tried to stay as friendly as I could ... I told her that I'm doing therapy and that I'm trying my best. I didn't want to say more. I didn't want to explain how hard I work every single day to get where I am at this point. 

She left. And with that I shut the door, took my seat and started crying. 
Why did this woman get to me like that? I started wondering why I was so upset about it.
It's not that she told me to get therapy, it's not that she had that grin on her face or called me influent. It's that she never gave me the chance to talk. She never gave me time or space to say what I needed to say. And ofcourse that grin and called me influent made my blood boil as well. 

I have done a lot of phonecalls and I have seen a lot of people. I never had anyone react like this in the 1.5 year that I work in the office. I've always been given the time to say what I needed to say and I've always been able to say what I needed to. 

I can't get it out of my head. I still need to see this woman and talk to her. And right now I really don't know if I can do that.

But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to show this woman that I'm amazing at my job. 
She knows that I have this problem, so I have nothing to hide anymore. It's out there and that's actually a good thing. 
She's just one person out of a million. One person in 1.5 years who has said something negative. 
She's like a needle in a haystack and I'm not planning on giving her comments any more attention. 

I also want to make clear that I'm not saying that she is a bad person. I only know her from this experience. I'm sure she didn't mean it in the way that it came across.
I don't think she is a mean person. I'm just saying that it's not okay to act like this around people who have a stutter or any other type of problem.
Respect is a very important part of life.
I just think that people should choose their words more carefull sometimes.


I'm sorry to post something that's a little bit more negative but this was my experience today and I felt like sharing this with all of you. I might seem like a positive person (atleast that's a comment that I get a lot) but that's not how I am all the time. Sometimes I break and I have a hard time. It's all part of it. 


Love,
Natasja 

In great company

Hello everyone!

The first 2 weeks of january have almost passed and the first snow has fallen in Belgium.
I never would have thought that we would see snow this year but here we go.

Time for another post on my blog.
I wanted to write last week but seeing as I was sick with a very bad cold I decided to wait until I got better.

For this post I wanted to emphasize the fact that stutterers are not alone. We look up to celebrity's and people who have made a name for themselves. Atleast I do. And sometimes it feels like they have everything going for them. When you discover that they are just normal people like us, it feels like a new world opens up.
We are not the only ones struggling with stuttering. There are a lot of celebrity's who went through the same thing as a lot us did.


James Earl Jones

We all know James Earl Jones. He is the voice of darth vader and Mufasa in the lion king. He is a brilliant actor with a voice that everybody knows so well.
James was also a stutterer. But he wasn't born with it like many of us.
It was actually by imitating his cousin Randy, who did have a stutter, that he started stuttering himself.
Because of this there was a time when he didn't speak to anyone. He chose to stay silent.
With the help of a teacher he slowly overcame it and started to study drama at university, by this time he had a grip on his stutter.
Years have gone by and in all of them he only stuttered once on stage.

I think this shows that if you really want to, you can make your weakness your greatest strenght.



Marylin Monroe

When you mention Marylin Monroe to me, I always think about her voice. She had this very breathy voice that sounded really sexy.
What a lot of people don't know is that this voice was a result of her stuttering as a child.

Marylin stuttered very heavily during her childhood, a speech therapist taught her how to use her breathing to help her speech. And that is where her famous voice comes from.

To this day, Marylin Monroe is still considered to be one of the most sexy woman in this world. Sometimes having a stutter can make you feel like an outcast. But this woman didn't let it bother her at all. Just for that she is someone to look up to.


Samuel L. Jackson

Another great man and another great actor.
Samuel L Jackson has been a stutterer since his childhood.
Until this day he still struggles with it, but he has found a great help ...

"I was the other day on the set of Captain America, and they said 'Action!" and I said, 'G-g-g-et ...' It was a G day. So I have my days. I have G days, I have P days, I have B days, I have S days, and I'm still stuttering. But I figured out a way to do it. And some days, the best thing for me to do is say my favorite word, and I get through it: 'Motherfucker!'"

Appearantly, saying the word 'Motherfucker' helps him talk trough his stutters.
Why? because the word itself has a lot of anger in it. It relieves a lot of that build up anger or stress that so many stutterers deal with. By saying that word the situation itself can become more amusing.

Maybe not the best help for someone that works in the insurance sector but I think that it really suits Samuel L Jackson haha.


Emily Blunt

We all know her as the snotty assistant from the devil wears prada but in real life she is also a stutterer. By looking at her acting skills you would never have guessed that she was also a really heavy stutterer.

While growing up, she had a stutter so bad that she couldn't even hold a conversation.
Like most of us, she had a lot to say but just couldn't get it out.

With the help of a speech therapist and a school play where she could distance her from herself, she started to see that she could speak fluently.



I can go on and on with my list. Let's not forget Julia Roberts, Rowan Atkinson, King george, Winston Churchill, Chris Martin, Elvis Presley, Isaac Newton and Charles Darwin.

What I'm trying to show with this is that all of these people had a stutter. Maybe not all of their lives but they did struggle with it for a long time. They have all become succesfull. They have become oscar winners, golden globe winners, scientists, the most famous people of this world are on this list.

So why be ashamed? Why be ashamed of something that happends to the best of us? Why just say 'being a stutterer is all I am' when it's clear that we can become so much more?

Stuttering isn't in our lives to make us less than anyone else. It's there to make us better! To challenge ourselves every day and to do things that we were once afraid of.
Don't let this or the reactions of others tear you down. All of these people never did that.
They kept on going and worked hard to achieve their goals and dreams.

We can become anything we want to be. It might take a lot of hard work but let's face it. Nobody has died from working hard in their lives.

I hope this post can make you realise that this stuttering can lift you up and build you up to be an amazing person. You are more than a stutterer. You are fighter and a survivor.
But most of all, you are who you are and you can become whatever you want to be.
Never ever forget that.



Much love,
Natasja