What I'm working on in therapy

I've said it before and I'll say it again, therapy has been a life changer for me. 
Just the fact that I have someone who listens to me rant about my stuttering and who understands what I'm talking about is a gift from heaven. 

Therapy helps me deal with problems I can't deal with myself. 
There are so many feelings and thoughts that come with stuttering, I'm not the kind of person that can deal with that myself. The tips and tricks that I get from Leen are things that I can not teach myself. 

At this point we have just started working on saying my name on the phone/in person etc. 
I've made a lot of progression with speaking and reading. But this, this is a whole other story. 

Here you can read a little bit about the struggle of saying my name. 
I think it's finally time to really work on this. I would love to be able to say my name on the phone. Sadly enough it's not that easy. I've been wanting to make this a priority for a long time. 

A name is very emotionally loaded. It's something you have been carrying with you for your whole life and you will carry it on for the rest of it. It's something that 2 people who love you so much gave to you. It's a part of your identity. 

That's why it's so hard to say. Because there is a lot of pressure to say it. 
People expect you to be able to say your name. Ofcourse they would, It's your own name. Nobody 'forgets' their own name right? 

Saying my name has always been a big fear. When people ask my name it feels like I'm getting as hot as the sun. It feels impossible to get that under control. 

But it's time to work on this. It's time to put as much time and effort in this as I did with my reading and speaking. The will to say my name fluently is far more bigger than the fear. I want this so bad. 

I can not speak for every stutterer but I think for most of us, our name has always been a struggle. But I also think that with a lot of help, willpower and practisce, we can get this under control.


So from now on, I'm preparing for a lot of frustration. Probably a lot of crying and complaining. But I'm also preparing for my life to get a little bit easier. 
And for that, I can not wait. 



Much Love,
Natasja 

How has my week been?

Have you ever had one of those days were you feel like everything and everyone is against you? Wel,l I had a whole week of this. 

When I have a day like that, it reflects on my stutter to the point where it still bothers me the next day. And now it lasted a whole week? Oh good lord.

From the beginning of the week I noticed that I wasn't as fluent as normal. Mondays tend to be my best days because I'm less tired than on a friday. 
From the moment I stepped in the office I just had a bad feeling about it all. When I had to explain something to my boss I got blocked. I don't even know why. 

When I had to pick up the phone it was like talking fluently was the hardest thing ever. It just wouldn't work. Especially not when your boss is watching you like a hawk.
It was like I was that scared little girl again from a year ago. Strangest feeling ever.

The next couple of days were the same. Some were better than others, they weren't all a total disaster. Monday and Tuesday were definately the hardest out of the whole week. Don't ask me why. I really can't find an explanation for it.
Ofcourse it doesn't help when your boss says 'I notice that your stuttering is worse, are you nervous?' ... 

Are you nervous? I hate it when they ask me that. That's the moment where I put on my bitch face. I think people can see my eyes rolling from across the room. No, I can stutter without even having the smallest bit of nerves inside of me, thank you very much. People need to learn that stuttering has other origins than just being nervous. It's not always related to eachother.

It's just so frustrating isn't it? Not even knowing why your stutter is worse on a certain moment or day? You feel like you have everything under control and then BAM. Even the easiest of words become hard. You can compare it with feeling sad all of the sudden. You are sad but you don't have any clue why. 

When it keeps happening, the entire day, every phonecall and every conversation become a real burden. And after 3 or 4 you become insecure. When you become insecure you begin to doubt yourself. And when that happends you just get more worried for the next phonecall or conversation. It's a circle and it has no end. Only you can break it. 

I came to a point where I was really done with it this week. I just couldn't figure it out anymore. I tried to be calm, to breath, to repeat a part of the word or to make the first letter longer. None of it seem to help anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hopeless. Is this going to go on forever? Why can't I seem to get this under control? Why can't I pick up the phone and say my name? Why can't I talk fluently? Why can't I be like everyone else? 
All of these questions just go through your mind every day, it kills that you can't have any answers to it. 

So this week was a hard one. And I'm hoping that next week is going to be better. I'm just trying to move on from it in the best way that I can.
I think this post proves again how having a stutter can play with your mind and your emotions. Even if you don't want it to.



Love,
Natasja