What a week ...

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Me and my parents lost our dog, Max, who was with us for 12 years. 
Because of that I haven't been sleeping well and I've been feeling bad. I know that most people might say 'it's just a dog' but to me he was my best friend. He was my parents their best friend. He was the last part of my grandparents that we still had with us. It's like losing a part of yourself.

I've told you before that when I'm sick, when something is bothering me or when I'm not sleeping well my stutter is worse than normal. 
The funny part is that during this all, my stutter hasn't been as bad as normal.  

I have actually been doing a lot more phonecalls this week than normally in a month ... And they haven't been bad at all. Most of them were actually pretty fluent. 

Why were my phonecalls better this week? I think it's because I couldn't really care about them. Why would I care about a stupid call when my dog just passed away? I wasn't thinking about the other person on the line. I wasn't worrying about how they would react when I would make a stutter. It didn't matter to me as much as normal. For once, when I picked up that phone, I wasn't filled with stress. I wasn't overthinking it. 

It was actually relieving to not have a mind full of negative thoughts for once. 

I hope that this helps me in the future. That it helps me to let things go. 
This helped me realise that I'm able to make phonecalls. Phonecalls where I can actually explain everything to the person on the other line. 

I know that it's not going to go smoothly every time. And that's normal. But for now, not having to pick up the phone with shaking hands and a heart pounding like crazy is good enough for me. 


R.I.P. max. You will never be forgotten. 





Love,
Natasja 

Stop telephoning me ...

The phone. Or should I say, one of the biggest causes of my stresslevels.

Until I started my job, I never choose to call someone instead of text someone. Texting was my safetynet. Now, I don't have a choice anymore. I either pick up that phone, or problems don't get solved and clients will find another insurance agent. 

When I first started my job, I just avoided the phone. The picking up part was already too difficult for me to do. Just hearing it ring made my heart go insane. 
And when I had the strenght to actually pick it up, I couldn't bring out a single word. 

Slowly it started to get a little easier to pick the phone and actually get a word out. 
After a couple of months (Yes I know that's a long time but Rome wasn't build in a day either haha) I could actually say 'Zakenkantoor Johan Droogmans, how may I help you?' without any blockage or stutter. That itself was already a big win for me. I guess it's true what they say, the more you practise and actually do it ... the better it gets. 

Ofcourse I don't only have to pick up the phone, I have to make phonecalls as well.
If you think that picking up the phone is already difficult for me, then you have seen nothing yet. 

Making a phonecall to a company we work with (AG insurace, AXA, P&V insurances, DKV healthinsurance ...) or to a costumor is very stressfull for me. Because now I'm the one that has to do explain everything and ask the questions. 

The worst phonecall until now was where I just couldn't explain anything anymore. I just completely shut down. I could only hear 'Hello Hello?' coming from the other end of the line. I just wanted to scream out 'I'm sorry but I having a blockage, i'm so sorry'. There were so many thoughts going around in my head that I couldn't even try to stay calm. Out of frustration I just put the phone down. I didn't want to try anymore. I guess we all have those days sometimes. At one point you just get sick of trying. The thing I do when I get very upset? Cry. I will actually go to the toilet, cry a bit, calm myself down and get back at it and try it again. And it might sound very silly that I cry but for me that is a sign that I care and that I want to do my job well. If I didn't care, I wouldn't put time into worrying about it.

You know what's funny? Every time that I need to call a customer, I hope that I get voicemail. Because when I get a voicemail, I can fluently say what I need to say. No stutters, no blockages and most of all, no worries. Isn't that weird? I find it weird sometimes. 
How come that I can talk fluently when I'm alone (yes I talk to myself sometimes) or when I talk to the voicemail, but from the moment I know that someone is listening I just shut down.
I don't know why I get so worked up about it. Having stress is not helping me. Sometimes I find myself so silly for stressing out so much. I know can explain the problem or the situation, the only thing that is holding me back is the stress. 
But it's exactly that part that I can't fix that easily. 
There have been so many failures that I keep close in my thoughts, it's hard to shut that off. 

But I am determined to be able to make good phone calls. 
I know that I can do it and I want to prove it. To my boss, to the people on the line but mostly to myself. 

When I finally find some tips that help me, I will share them :-)


Love,
Natasja xxx