Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

Let's rewind!

It has been quiet on my blog for a couple of weeks. The reason behind that is the fact that I was going to be alone at the office for about 12 days. I wanted to see how I would deal with that and how my stuttering would be. So I thought it would be better to post after, when everything got back to normal a bit. This way I would have a couple of days to reflect. 

My boss went on vacation for about a week. That meant that I was alone at the office for a couple of days. I've had days where I'm alone, but those are different. Or atleast they feel different. Because during a normal week I know that when I need help, I can always call or text my boss. It's like I always have a back up. This time I was in it all alone.

So how have these days been? I can say one thing, stressfull. Very stressfull. The first 2 days were calm and I handled them very well. But when the third day came around there were doubts that started to sneak their way into my head. Was i really capable of doing this?

More and more phonecalls came in and I was getting a bit stressed out. The main reason of that were troubles with the computer. Long story short, the server crashed. So it was my job to call the IT guy and get it fixed. No problem right? 
I would say no, but our server is our key to every single point of information we have about a client. Adresses, telephone, mail, number of contracts, letters, scanned documents .... Everything is on there. And for about 4 days I could not access that. 
How to make a stressed out cocktail? Just mix doubts with computerproblems and there you go. Enjoy! 

My stuttering was worse during those days. I found that normal. Stress always makes my stuttering get a little harder to deal with. I tried to prepare myself for it but I guess that's something you can not really do. 
I tried to use the tricks I learned during therapy. Making certain letters longer really helped me. 

The hardest part was trying to keep positive. Telling myself that it was just a harder week and that my stuttering would tone down again. It's easy to tell yourself that. It's a little bit harder to believe it. 

Near the end of the week I was completely exhausted. I worked over time almost every single day, wednesday I worked from 8.30 am untill 9 pm. In total I worked 7 hours over time. 
So by friday I felt tired and I started to feel like maybe I didn't have my stuttering under control at all. Was I getting back to my old ways? Was I getting, dare I say it? Negative again? 
I was worried that I would get scared again. Scared to pick up the phone and call someone. 
I refuse to go back to that. 

My stuttering might have been harder on me but I'm glad that I was able to deal with it. 
Talking to Leen that week in therapy also made me realise that it's completely normal to have some harder days again. It happends and there is no shame or harm in it.

It's more important to realise that those days will pass and that everything will get better again as long as you put the work in it and as long as you are positive. 
How we think about something controls our actions. For me that means that when I think negative, I won't be able to make a phonecall anymore. I start to doubt the progress I've made and it's very easy to get back into that negative circle again. One day of this and it can put me back into months of negative doubts.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go down that road. 
My boss was very happy with all the work I did and how I handled everything. And so am I. I think I needed this to show me that I should believe in myself more. 


Love,
Natasja 

They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same ...

I've never been one to put personal matters on facebook or on instagram. I have never put something on my facebook/instagram about my stuttering because I was always afraid of reactions. And I was ashamed. Imagine everyone you know, knowing about your stuttering. It always gave me shivers. Good friends knew, but it's not something you tell everyone. 

Biggest part why I never mentioned it was because it was something I couldn't accept. 
I can imagine that a lot of you are also going through the same thing.

Ever since I have this blog I feel more secure talking about my stutter. Even when I talk to Leen about it, I don't feel so hold back anymore. 

So, for the first time, I posted something on my instagram about stuttering. And I thought that I would share it with you guys. 
I think every one of us should be proud of who we are. No we're not like everyone else but we don't have to be. We are who we are and that's nothing to be ashamed off. 

So keep this quote in mind, every single day. We are doing great! 

I've been a stutterer since I've had the ability to speak. For years I was ashamed. For years I've been hard on myself, nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to make my stutter less important by always trying to be better than everyone else. I never once thougth I was good enough. I was a hard worker, with a reason. Because that was actually something I could control. Mentally, stuttering is very heavy. It's like you are fighting a constant war inside your head. 'Why can't I say my own name?' 'If I order that, will I be able to actually pronounce the word?'. Every word that comes out your mouth is twisted, turned and thougth about carefully ... I've been living with this for 24 years and I have finally accepted it and come to terms with who I am. I might not be normal, but who cares? I am who I am. I'm working hard in therapy every single week and for the first time in 24 years, I am actually proud of myself. This post is for everyone who is ever ashamed of who they are. You are great and you should never let your own thoughts hold you back. Keep on being amazing ☺️💐

Love,

Natasja 

xx

Groups on facebook

Since a few months I follow a couple groups on facebook about stuttering.
Because everyone is so open, everything gets discussed. Good experiences and bad ones. 
People share their frustrations, views and daily situations with posts and video's. It's amazing to see that everyone is so supportive of eachother and so nice to one another.

I thought it would be a good idea to share those groups on here. You don't have to post something or share something, you can just be a part of the community. I have posted twice so far and I try to read every post that comes on there. 

It's comforting to know that we are not alone in this struggle. So many of us experience the same things. The doubts, the fears, the victories and the hard days. It's eye-opening to see that eventough we feel alone, we're not truely alone. 
Don't be afraid to talk about your stutter. It can help a lot. I know that it's not easy but it's very rewarding. 

I'm a member of these groups on facebook:

- That's easy for you to say
- Stuttering community

They're both closed groups and the atmosphere is really great. People won't judge but they will listen to you. They will comfort you, eventhough they are on the other side of this globe. They will celebrate with you eventhough they don't know you well. It's amazing to feel like we are all connected. 

I hope you guys find comfort and strenght by joining these groups and that it can help you it whatever way you want or need.


Have a great weekend everyone.


Much Love,


Natasja 
xx

Something positive

For this post I just wanted to share a positive experience I've had this week. 

I've been working really hard on how I feel towards my stuttering. I've come a long way. 
A year ago I hated who I was, I hated that I wasn't like everyone else. I felt like I could never be good enough because of my stutter. It controlled my life at that point. I would stop talking, avoid certain conversations or situations ... I didn't feel at ease and I felt like I couldn't control it, like I couldn't control myself. 

That was a year ago. I'm happy to say that those feelings have faided and made place for more positive thoughts. 

This has shown a lot in my self esteem at work. For the last couple of weeks I've been making a lot of progress with it comes to the telephone. So much that even my boss noticed.

This tuesday I had to call the insurance company to get them to accept a customer again. Not an easy task. Especially not when they have been thrown out. I kept really calm and tried to explain everything. I actually dared to ask questions. I dared to express my opinion. I wasn't afraid to talk. And it was the first time in a long time I did all of it while my boss could listen to every single word I said. 

While I was talking he came by and gave me a thumbs up. I couldn't be happier. When I finished he told me that he was very impressed. I can not even put into words how amazing that felt. He said he notices that I feel better in my own skin and that I'm getting more secure with everything I do. 
I've been putting a lot of work into my stuttering. Not only in my speaking but also in how I mentally feel about it. I've said it a lot but stuttering is not only a 'speaking problem', mentally it's very hard. 

Having my boss, someone who sees my every single day, say that he is impressed really took me by heart. He's not the easiest person to impress haha. 

I was even able to say my name 2 times this week to someone in person. Without having a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. I can not tell you how long it has been since I was able to do that. 
Or the fact that I can introduce the company while I'm the one calling someone ... It took me so long to get that but so far it's going great. 

When it comes to stuttering I always see negative experiences being put out. But I really want to keep the postive vibe up. And yes that is coming from the same girl that would cry her eyes out when she made a blockage.

I try to keep the positive experiences in mind. Have I had blockages did week? Yes I did. Did I mind? No I didn't. I managed them as good as I could.


Sometimes it's not about getting rid of the stutter. It's about learning how to live with it and speak with it. 
It's hard and a lot of work but the positive experiences make it all worth it. 

I know that this post is probably all over the place but I just want to show everyone that we should never give up. We can do a lot more than we think. Sometimes it's just all about stepping out of your comfort zone.

Much love,
Natasja 
xx

Have a great weekend!

How I deal with a stressfull day ...

What do you do after a stressfull day where your stuttering has been worse than usual? Or on a day where it's just harder to deal with it? 

Everybody deals with stuttering in their own way. But for this post I'm going to share some of the things I do after I've had a hard day. On these days it feels like have no control over it. Mentally It always feels like I'm drained because I keep overthinking it. So for me it's important that after work, I can relax to the fullest. 

The first thing I do when I leave work is get in my car and put on some songs. 
I will sing along to every single one of them and by the time I get home I usually feel better. I think this is because it just feels relieving to sing and not stutter at all. Plus, can you really be sad when you heard a great song? I can't. 

When I get home it's time to cook dinner. Usually my boyfriend does that but on days where I don't feel great, I will. Maybe it's weird but it just helps me relax. 
While I cook me and my boyfriend usually discuss our days and he will listen to me rant about pretty much everything that went wrong. 
Sometimes It's just good to talk about it. If there is anything I've learned than it's the fact that keeping everything bottled up doesn't solve anything. It's good to talk about it and be open. The more you close yourself, the more stressfull it will get. 

After dinner I will usually take a quick shower. Again, I don't know why but taking a shower just makes me feel better. Like I can wash everything off me. 

Now it's time to watch a little bit of TV. Ah TV, it's just fun to look at someone else their drama. Often I will drink a coffee or some tea while I watch tv. It's like a hug in a mug. 
After an hour/hour and a half I will go upstairs. 

Last thing I do is read a little bit. I will read out loud for about 10 minutes and after that I'll read the rest in silence until I fall asleep. Reading out loud was very hard when I just started therapy. I couldn't read 4 words without have a blockage. When I read fluently after such a hard day, It gives me a good feeling. Like I'm not completely lost. It's good to end a hard day on a good note.

The things I do aren't anything special but they help me. As I said, everyone deals with it on their own way. Some people like to talk about their day, others don't. It's personally and that's totally okay. 
Sometimes the smalles thing can make you feel better. 



Enjoy your easter weekend guys!

Much Love,
Natasja 


Ps. sorry it took so long to get another post up. Things have been a bit crazy here.
Thanks for sticking around. You guys are great!

What would I do if, for a day long, I didn't stutter?

We all think about it. What would our lives be like if we didn't stutter? What would we do differently? 

Sometimes I think about it and I realise that I wouldn't have it any other way. Because maybe without my stutter I would not have studied finances. Maybe I would be a nurse right now , like I intended to be. 
I wouldn't know what it is to fight for something, to hold on when everything seems to be against you. I wouldn't know the struggle so many of us face today. 
I wouldn't have build up a life with Sepp because he would not be in the picture. Just like many of my friends who I met through my studies. 
This one thing, eventhough we despise it, has shaped us into the person we are. It has shaped our lives. 

For me it's hard to imagine a life without it. But for this post I'm going to tell you some of the things I would do if I didn't have my stutter for a day. A girl can dream can't she?

I would order every single thing in a restaurant that I had never had the guts for because of the difficulty of the word or the fear of stuttering. I would look at the menu without thinking to myself 'If I want to order this, will I be able to say the word?'.

Starbucks here I come. I would order myself a drink at Starbucks and actually say my name to the guy/girl behind the counter. 

I would not lay the phone down at work and call for every single point on my agenda. I wouldn't care if I could search it myself in the systems, I would call the companies and proudly introduce myself. I would make small talk with the person on the other line and I would enjoy every minute of it. 

I would go up to strangers on the street and introduce myself. 
Saying my name without a stutter would be amazing.

I would go to the hospital and read to sick children. 

And last but not least, I would just enjoy the day to the fullest.



....


So it would be great to be stutter-free for a day. But I think we just have to enjoy every day to the fullest. Stuttering or not. 

One of my childhood friends, 17 years old, passed away from Leukemia.  She had her whole life ahead of her. We served the mass together for years and I remember her as a lovely, sweet, friendly and energetic person. It's hard to believe she lost the fight.
It made me realize that all of this really isn't that bad. It might seem like it some days but we still have our whole lives ahead. That's more than some people can say at this point. 

Maybe this feeling of 'it isn't that bad' will pass soon, sometimes things happen that change your look on stuttering within an instant. But for now, I'm trying to be as positive about it as I can.
I've had my days where I didn't want to leave the bed because of this. I'm tired of letting it have this effect on me. It's not worth it. 


Love,
Natasja 

What I'm working on in therapy

I've said it before and I'll say it again, therapy has been a life changer for me. 
Just the fact that I have someone who listens to me rant about my stuttering and who understands what I'm talking about is a gift from heaven. 

Therapy helps me deal with problems I can't deal with myself. 
There are so many feelings and thoughts that come with stuttering, I'm not the kind of person that can deal with that myself. The tips and tricks that I get from Leen are things that I can not teach myself. 

At this point we have just started working on saying my name on the phone/in person etc. 
I've made a lot of progression with speaking and reading. But this, this is a whole other story. 

Here you can read a little bit about the struggle of saying my name. 
I think it's finally time to really work on this. I would love to be able to say my name on the phone. Sadly enough it's not that easy. I've been wanting to make this a priority for a long time. 

A name is very emotionally loaded. It's something you have been carrying with you for your whole life and you will carry it on for the rest of it. It's something that 2 people who love you so much gave to you. It's a part of your identity. 

That's why it's so hard to say. Because there is a lot of pressure to say it. 
People expect you to be able to say your name. Ofcourse they would, It's your own name. Nobody 'forgets' their own name right? 

Saying my name has always been a big fear. When people ask my name it feels like I'm getting as hot as the sun. It feels impossible to get that under control. 

But it's time to work on this. It's time to put as much time and effort in this as I did with my reading and speaking. The will to say my name fluently is far more bigger than the fear. I want this so bad. 

I can not speak for every stutterer but I think for most of us, our name has always been a struggle. But I also think that with a lot of help, willpower and practisce, we can get this under control.


So from now on, I'm preparing for a lot of frustration. Probably a lot of crying and complaining. But I'm also preparing for my life to get a little bit easier. 
And for that, I can not wait. 



Much Love,
Natasja 

How has my week been?

Have you ever had one of those days were you feel like everything and everyone is against you? Wel,l I had a whole week of this. 

When I have a day like that, it reflects on my stutter to the point where it still bothers me the next day. And now it lasted a whole week? Oh good lord.

From the beginning of the week I noticed that I wasn't as fluent as normal. Mondays tend to be my best days because I'm less tired than on a friday. 
From the moment I stepped in the office I just had a bad feeling about it all. When I had to explain something to my boss I got blocked. I don't even know why. 

When I had to pick up the phone it was like talking fluently was the hardest thing ever. It just wouldn't work. Especially not when your boss is watching you like a hawk.
It was like I was that scared little girl again from a year ago. Strangest feeling ever.

The next couple of days were the same. Some were better than others, they weren't all a total disaster. Monday and Tuesday were definately the hardest out of the whole week. Don't ask me why. I really can't find an explanation for it.
Ofcourse it doesn't help when your boss says 'I notice that your stuttering is worse, are you nervous?' ... 

Are you nervous? I hate it when they ask me that. That's the moment where I put on my bitch face. I think people can see my eyes rolling from across the room. No, I can stutter without even having the smallest bit of nerves inside of me, thank you very much. People need to learn that stuttering has other origins than just being nervous. It's not always related to eachother.

It's just so frustrating isn't it? Not even knowing why your stutter is worse on a certain moment or day? You feel like you have everything under control and then BAM. Even the easiest of words become hard. You can compare it with feeling sad all of the sudden. You are sad but you don't have any clue why. 

When it keeps happening, the entire day, every phonecall and every conversation become a real burden. And after 3 or 4 you become insecure. When you become insecure you begin to doubt yourself. And when that happends you just get more worried for the next phonecall or conversation. It's a circle and it has no end. Only you can break it. 

I came to a point where I was really done with it this week. I just couldn't figure it out anymore. I tried to be calm, to breath, to repeat a part of the word or to make the first letter longer. None of it seem to help anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hopeless. Is this going to go on forever? Why can't I seem to get this under control? Why can't I pick up the phone and say my name? Why can't I talk fluently? Why can't I be like everyone else? 
All of these questions just go through your mind every day, it kills that you can't have any answers to it. 

So this week was a hard one. And I'm hoping that next week is going to be better. I'm just trying to move on from it in the best way that I can.
I think this post proves again how having a stutter can play with your mind and your emotions. Even if you don't want it to.



Love,
Natasja 

What I see when I look in the mirror

Looking at ourselves can be a hard thing to do. Are we who we want to be? Are we proud of who we are? 
For me it's not any different. I'm a really insecure person. I don't like to look at myself or reflect on myself. For this post, I decided to do exactly that. 

I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Trying to reflect of what kind of a person I am today. Is this who I thought I would be?

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at two different people. One of them is insecure, overwelmed with thoughts, and the other one is proud of what she has already achieved. She feels confident at times even with all of these fears in her head.

I like that I'm a combination of both. Because 1 year ago, I would be writing something very different. I wouldn't be writing about 2 people. I would be writing about one, a very insecure girl that let's her stuttering get the best of who she is. A girl who doesn't believe in herself anymore. A girl that is losing a struggle to her stuttering. I felt ashamed of the person I was.

Right now I see someone that is very hard to handle and who hates receiving negative comments because she is very demanding on herself. But sometimes, she just can't be bothered. 
I see someone who has a voice but is sometimes afraid to out it because she is scared that people won't listen to her. 
I see someone that is not afraid of challenges because she doesn't want people to see her as someone vulnerable.

I worked very hard to get to where I am today. And that's something that shows. When I look at myself I also see someone that's tired. And I'm not talking about physically tired. What I mean is that some days, I get tired mentally. 
I always try to be postive. I get down pretty easily and that makes my stuttering worse. To avoid that I try to always look on the bright sight of things and I try to not let anything get me down. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It's hard to always give yourself a peptalk, sometimes you just want to let it out and cry, scream, anything. 
The fact that I try to not do that makes me tired. Tired of always trying to be a happy, cheerfull and positive person. 

When I close my eyes for a second and look back at myself, I see a fighter. A person who might be tired and insecure, but someone who keeps on going because that is the only thing that you can do. 
I've never been someone that gives up. At school I was behind on reading because, due to my stuttering, I couldn't read as fluent as other children in my class and that's why I got put in the lowest group. It was just me and one other girl. Every night I read to myself in order to get where the other kids were. I knew that I could read fluently, it just wouldn't happen when I had to do it in class. Eventho that might have been the case, I never stopped trying. I wanted to, but I never did. 

Stutterers have to fight their whole lives. Fight to prove themselves to others and even to ourselves. We are very insecure people but we will rarely show that. We put ourselves away because we think we are not worth other people their time. 
But we are strong. Don't think we're weak human beings, trust me, we're not. 
We have gone trough more stress than you can ever imagine. 

When I look in the mirror, I see someone that I'm proud of. I see a hard worker, someone that can barely sit still and who loves cleaning a little bit to much. Someone who loves making others happy and who is glad that she has the life she has. 

I see someone who sometimes wishes she didn't have a stutter. Who wishes to be like everyone else. But when she really thinks about it, she wouldn't have it any other way. 
My stutter might be a big pain in the ass, but I can't imagine my life without it. I've met some really nice people because of it and I've done some things I would have never done otherwise. It makes me see the world differently and It makes me appreciate good days even more. 

I see someone who loves to laugh and who loves to make others laugh. I also see a very sarcastic person who doesn't give out to many changes. Don't try to get on her bad side because you will forever stay there. 
I see someone who has been hurt a lot and has trust issues because of it. But once she does trust you, she would stick her hand in a fire for you. 

But most of all, I see someone who, at this moment, is happy. 
And after everything, that truely feels amazing. 


What do you guys see when you look in the mirror? 
Don't be afraid to reflect on yourself and give yourself some credit. You have already overcome a lot. Treat yourself to some positive comments to lift yourself up. 


Have a great weekend everyone! 

xx
Natasja 

My experience today.

Today started as such a good day at work. I did a lot of phonecalls and I was very pleased with the results. I felt like I was on a roll today.

Sadly enough, sometimes things happen that can ruin your day. It can be something small, but it can also be something big. I don't even know if mine was big or small, I just know that my whole day was ripped to shreds just because of one comment.

Normally I don't write about these things. I want to keep a positive vibe on this blog. I don't want to complain and I don't want to be negative, because that won't help anyone. 
But I really feel like I have to talk about this. I need to talk about this to get it of my chest. But I also want you to take a look into my life. Into my stories. Because sadly enough it's not only rainbows and butterflies. 

So what happened?

I had to call a client to ask if she wanted to bring some documents to the office. I needed them to make a good price offer for her car. 
I called her a couple of times but she didn't pick up the phone. After a while she called back herself and I started to explain everything. I blocked. Not a big blockage, not a blockage that worried me or had me stressed. Just a small blockages that sometimes happends and goes away after 1 second. That 1 second was the worst one yet. This woman didn't let me finish. 
From the moment I blocked all she kept saying was 'Hello'. Hello Hello Hello. It was like a train rushing by not leaving me any space to talk. Because this stressed me so much, I couldn't get anything out anymore. This woman was so stressed herself that I couldn't calm myself down. 
She decided to come to the office so that I could explain it to her in person. 

When she came to the office I felt worried. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't feel like talking to this person anymore. 
I tried to gather my courage and explain everything to her again. From the minute that I paused between my words this woman started it all again. 'You're doing it again. Why can't you talk fluently? I thought there was a problem with the phone, it's not the phone ... it's you. If you can't talk to me fluently, I can't understand you'. 
These words cut me like a knife. At first I didn't know how to react. I didn't know wether to explain it all to her or just leave it. This woman wouldn't understand it either way. 
'Sometimes I have problems speaking fluently' I said to her. She looked at me with this grin on her face. I couldn't figure out why this seemed to be so funny.

I tried to get to the point again and asked her if she wanted to get me the documents. 
After a while of talking she finally started to leave. But before she left, she needed to ask me the one question that I always hate. 'So what's your name?' ... Seriously, why couldn't this woman just leave me alone for the day? Maybe I was overreacting but at that point I wanted to be alone. Away from everyone. I took a deep breath and tried to get my name out. She gave me about 3 seconds before saying 'see, you're doing it again' ... Again with that grin on her face... I breathed out and said my name. She didn't listen.  'My brother couldn't talk fluently either, he got therapy. You know you can get rid of it right?'. I tried to stay as friendly as I could ... I told her that I'm doing therapy and that I'm trying my best. I didn't want to say more. I didn't want to explain how hard I work every single day to get where I am at this point. 

She left. And with that I shut the door, took my seat and started crying. 
Why did this woman get to me like that? I started wondering why I was so upset about it.
It's not that she told me to get therapy, it's not that she had that grin on her face or called me influent. It's that she never gave me the chance to talk. She never gave me time or space to say what I needed to say. And ofcourse that grin and called me influent made my blood boil as well. 

I have done a lot of phonecalls and I have seen a lot of people. I never had anyone react like this in the 1.5 year that I work in the office. I've always been given the time to say what I needed to say and I've always been able to say what I needed to. 

I can't get it out of my head. I still need to see this woman and talk to her. And right now I really don't know if I can do that.

But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to show this woman that I'm amazing at my job. 
She knows that I have this problem, so I have nothing to hide anymore. It's out there and that's actually a good thing. 
She's just one person out of a million. One person in 1.5 years who has said something negative. 
She's like a needle in a haystack and I'm not planning on giving her comments any more attention. 

I also want to make clear that I'm not saying that she is a bad person. I only know her from this experience. I'm sure she didn't mean it in the way that it came across.
I don't think she is a mean person. I'm just saying that it's not okay to act like this around people who have a stutter or any other type of problem.
Respect is a very important part of life.
I just think that people should choose their words more carefull sometimes.


I'm sorry to post something that's a little bit more negative but this was my experience today and I felt like sharing this with all of you. I might seem like a positive person (atleast that's a comment that I get a lot) but that's not how I am all the time. Sometimes I break and I have a hard time. It's all part of it. 


Love,
Natasja 

Page 365 out of 365

Hi lovies, 

Can you believe it's already the last day of 2015? Gosh I can't believe how fast time flies by.
2015 was a great year for me. On so many levels. It was also a very difficult year. Let's take a quick look at my 2015 and let's see what I wish all of you in the new year. 

The first couple of months of 2015 have been very though. As I wrote down in my post called 'the letter that changed everything' I was struggling a lot with who I was and the place that stuttering had in my life. I didn't feel like I belong at my workplace or in this world. I felt like I was stuck in a negative circle and I wouldn't be able to get out of it. I had to fight. Fight against negative voices in my head but also against comments that others made to me. 

In may of 2015 I decided to take action and fight against my fears at my workplace. Still one of the best decisions I made this year (other than starting this blog ofcourse haha). 

In may I also went on my first vacation in 5 years. Yay for travelling by plane. Can I just say that I love flying? I love planes. Is it weird that I find them cute? ... Oke that's not the point of all this. Marmaris was beautiful and I'm so thankfull that I got the chance to go there. Finally, after 5 months of stressing about everything, I got the chance to relax. For once those voices in my head saying I wasn't good enough were completely silent. Marmaris was the perfect opportunity to think about what I wanted to achieve with my stuttering; Did I just want to undergo it? Or did I want to do more with it? Did I want to keep this to myself or share it with others who might be able to get help from it? The idea of starting a blog had been in my head for a long time, but on vacation I really had the chance to think about it more. Would people really read something like that?

In June everything at work got better. I felt like I was getting back to my old self. I was able to sleep better, eat better and let go of my worries (well not all of them ofcourse). 

Months went by and around the time of July I wrote my first post called 'Let's go back to the beginning'. I remember being really excited but scared at the same time. I was throwing something very personal on to the world wide web. Would this really be something that could make a difference for someone?

In august I was able to visit Munich. My boyfriend is there a lot for his job and finally, it was time for me to see the city with him. 6 days I enjoyed the sun, Munich, the German food (wow is all I can say) and the culture.I loved it. 

From July untill now I got nothing but postive reactions on my blog. Words can not discribe how much that means to me. I love writing. But I love it even more now because I know that I help others. Other stutterers have told me that they feel understood, they finally don't feel alone anymore. That is why I do this. 

So in conclusion, 2015 was a great year. It thought me a lot of lessons. I said goodbye to some people in my life who clearly didn't want to be in it. I had to say goodbye to my dog Max, who passed away at 16. I really got to know myself this year. Thanks to my parents, boyfriend, family in law and Leen (my speech therapist) I feel much stronger now than at the beginning of the year. I'm proud of what I did in 2015 and I want to keep this positive vibe up in 2016. 

But to be honest, I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for all of you. This might be cheesy but this comes from my heart. You guys are the reason that I feel like I can make a difference for others stutterers. Thank you for sticking by me in these 6 months. I really hope that we can carry this on into the new year.

What I wish for you in 2016? I hope you find everything that you are looking for. I wish you guys all of the love and friendship you are able to carry. I wish you guys a lot of luck with everything you do. I wish that you would love yourself a little more and not let your stuttering get you down. But most of all, I wish that you find yourself in this crazy world. And I hope that you know that I'm always here for you. 

Let's end 2015 with a bang and start 2016 with postive vibes. 

Have a great new years everyone. I hope you can spend it with the people you love. 

Love,
Natasja 
<3

What a week ...

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Me and my parents lost our dog, Max, who was with us for 12 years. 
Because of that I haven't been sleeping well and I've been feeling bad. I know that most people might say 'it's just a dog' but to me he was my best friend. He was my parents their best friend. He was the last part of my grandparents that we still had with us. It's like losing a part of yourself.

I've told you before that when I'm sick, when something is bothering me or when I'm not sleeping well my stutter is worse than normal. 
The funny part is that during this all, my stutter hasn't been as bad as normal.  

I have actually been doing a lot more phonecalls this week than normally in a month ... And they haven't been bad at all. Most of them were actually pretty fluent. 

Why were my phonecalls better this week? I think it's because I couldn't really care about them. Why would I care about a stupid call when my dog just passed away? I wasn't thinking about the other person on the line. I wasn't worrying about how they would react when I would make a stutter. It didn't matter to me as much as normal. For once, when I picked up that phone, I wasn't filled with stress. I wasn't overthinking it. 

It was actually relieving to not have a mind full of negative thoughts for once. 

I hope that this helps me in the future. That it helps me to let things go. 
This helped me realise that I'm able to make phonecalls. Phonecalls where I can actually explain everything to the person on the other line. 

I know that it's not going to go smoothly every time. And that's normal. But for now, not having to pick up the phone with shaking hands and a heart pounding like crazy is good enough for me. 


R.I.P. max. You will never be forgotten. 





Love,
Natasja 

Happy birthday

Monday I turned 24. My mom turned 57. Yes we have the same birthday :-). I'm very lucky to share a birthday with my mom.

For me turning 24 also means 19 years of dealing with my stuttering. So I used the day to reflect on my life so far. 

For 19 years I've had a lot of self doubt, a lot of fear of people knowing that I have a stutter. I was scared to be vulnerable. I didn't like it when people saw who I really was, someone struggling every step of the way to feel good. 
Every time I had a stutter I would feel so ashamed. And for what? For being who I am? 

I've had those thoughts for most of my life. Turning 24 made me realise that I've spend most of my life thinking about what others would think of me. I've wasted hours, days, months. 
The last few months I have started to change that. 

It's a hard thing. Changing thoughts you've had for 19 years. 
When I was little I always told myself that my stutter would be gone by the time I turned 20 or 25. I told myself I would work so hard and it would be gone by the time I had a job. I would be able to make phonecalls, talk to people and do all of it without stuttering. I would even pretend to work as a secretary and make fake phonecalls when I was little. I loved it. And now I absolutely hate it ... 

When I was younger I would pretend to be a grown up, I would pretend that my life would be so much better than it was at that point. I would actually dream about not having a stutter. All I wanted was to be normal. 

Now I've realised that I'm probably never going to be completely stutter-free. And that's not what I want either. I want to be able to have conversations, phonecalls and do it all with stutters. But with comfortable short stutters instead of blockages. My goal has changed from being stutter-free to being comfortable with it. Right now, that's all I want.

I can not count all of the negative experiences I've had so far. All of the bad phonecalls where I couldn't even say a word. Or the conversations where I felt like my blockage was actually cutting all of the air off. 
But I can not forget about all of the good moments. The happiness I have felt when I had a succesfull phonecall or conversation. Or the happiness that comes from a good session at therapy. And let's not forget the speaking assignments at school that made me feel on top of the world. 

In 24 years I've overcome a lot of hurdles. I look back at some moments and think 'Why was I even stressing about that?' 'Why was I scared to make a stutter?' ... The negative moments are nothing compared to the good ones. I know that there are a lot of negatives ones to come, I'm still struggling with a lot of things but I have so many people in my life supporting me and helping me ... I know that I'm going to be all right. I'm only 24 years old. 


To all of the people who have a stutter I just want to say that you are not alone. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You are more then just someone that stutters. You are a fighter because you've never known anything else. All you've had to do is fight. And that is exactly what makes you different. It's not the stuttering, it's the fact that you are not someone that gives up. You're going to reach your goal, one way or another. 




Love,
Natasja 

Dear mum and dad

Dear mum and dad,

I've always tried to be a good daughter. I've always tried to be someone you could be proud of. Why? Because you have sacreficed a lot for me over the years.

Thank you for always taking time for me and never judging me. You accepted me and my stutter and did whatever you could to help me deal with it.

For 6 years you took me to speech therapy every single week for multiple times.
In the beginning I had to go 3 times a week for 1,5 hours. I've never heard you complain. 
You always took me there, waited for me and helped me. 

I can imagine this wasn't easy. Both of you worked every day and still had to run the household. Mum, you even changed your job when you heard that I needed to go to therapy that often. And dad, you left your job earlier to drive me on fridays just to make sure I wouldn't miss a session. 

I'm not going to lie. You were strict on me. I remember being so scared when I had to come home with a bad test. I always felt so bad because I knew I had let you down. 
Luckily those bad grades didn't happen a lot and if it happened, I always found a way to make it up. 
Thanks to you I never had any big troubles at school. You made sure I balanced homework with therapy sessions without too many problems. Even after my sessions you helped me with my homework. 

I think it's important to realise that having a child that has a stutter is not easy on the parents either. They need to arrange therapy, take their child to therapy, do the household and maybe balence other children as well.
You guys have always balanced it out perfectly. 

Thank you for giving me everything I needed. 
Thank you for teaching me to work hard and not give up.
Thank you for loving me the way I am and putting me first.
Thank you for making yourselves the best parents I could ever wish for. 
I am a very lucky person. 
I hope I have done nothing but make you proud. 


Love,
Natasja