What a week ...

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Me and my parents lost our dog, Max, who was with us for 12 years. 
Because of that I haven't been sleeping well and I've been feeling bad. I know that most people might say 'it's just a dog' but to me he was my best friend. He was my parents their best friend. He was the last part of my grandparents that we still had with us. It's like losing a part of yourself.

I've told you before that when I'm sick, when something is bothering me or when I'm not sleeping well my stutter is worse than normal. 
The funny part is that during this all, my stutter hasn't been as bad as normal.  

I have actually been doing a lot more phonecalls this week than normally in a month ... And they haven't been bad at all. Most of them were actually pretty fluent. 

Why were my phonecalls better this week? I think it's because I couldn't really care about them. Why would I care about a stupid call when my dog just passed away? I wasn't thinking about the other person on the line. I wasn't worrying about how they would react when I would make a stutter. It didn't matter to me as much as normal. For once, when I picked up that phone, I wasn't filled with stress. I wasn't overthinking it. 

It was actually relieving to not have a mind full of negative thoughts for once. 

I hope that this helps me in the future. That it helps me to let things go. 
This helped me realise that I'm able to make phonecalls. Phonecalls where I can actually explain everything to the person on the other line. 

I know that it's not going to go smoothly every time. And that's normal. But for now, not having to pick up the phone with shaking hands and a heart pounding like crazy is good enough for me. 


R.I.P. max. You will never be forgotten. 





Love,
Natasja