What I see when I look in the mirror

Looking at ourselves can be a hard thing to do. Are we who we want to be? Are we proud of who we are? 
For me it's not any different. I'm a really insecure person. I don't like to look at myself or reflect on myself. For this post, I decided to do exactly that. 

I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Trying to reflect of what kind of a person I am today. Is this who I thought I would be?

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at two different people. One of them is insecure, overwelmed with thoughts, and the other one is proud of what she has already achieved. She feels confident at times even with all of these fears in her head.

I like that I'm a combination of both. Because 1 year ago, I would be writing something very different. I wouldn't be writing about 2 people. I would be writing about one, a very insecure girl that let's her stuttering get the best of who she is. A girl who doesn't believe in herself anymore. A girl that is losing a struggle to her stuttering. I felt ashamed of the person I was.

Right now I see someone that is very hard to handle and who hates receiving negative comments because she is very demanding on herself. But sometimes, she just can't be bothered. 
I see someone who has a voice but is sometimes afraid to out it because she is scared that people won't listen to her. 
I see someone that is not afraid of challenges because she doesn't want people to see her as someone vulnerable.

I worked very hard to get to where I am today. And that's something that shows. When I look at myself I also see someone that's tired. And I'm not talking about physically tired. What I mean is that some days, I get tired mentally. 
I always try to be postive. I get down pretty easily and that makes my stuttering worse. To avoid that I try to always look on the bright sight of things and I try to not let anything get me down. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It's hard to always give yourself a peptalk, sometimes you just want to let it out and cry, scream, anything. 
The fact that I try to not do that makes me tired. Tired of always trying to be a happy, cheerfull and positive person. 

When I close my eyes for a second and look back at myself, I see a fighter. A person who might be tired and insecure, but someone who keeps on going because that is the only thing that you can do. 
I've never been someone that gives up. At school I was behind on reading because, due to my stuttering, I couldn't read as fluent as other children in my class and that's why I got put in the lowest group. It was just me and one other girl. Every night I read to myself in order to get where the other kids were. I knew that I could read fluently, it just wouldn't happen when I had to do it in class. Eventho that might have been the case, I never stopped trying. I wanted to, but I never did. 

Stutterers have to fight their whole lives. Fight to prove themselves to others and even to ourselves. We are very insecure people but we will rarely show that. We put ourselves away because we think we are not worth other people their time. 
But we are strong. Don't think we're weak human beings, trust me, we're not. 
We have gone trough more stress than you can ever imagine. 

When I look in the mirror, I see someone that I'm proud of. I see a hard worker, someone that can barely sit still and who loves cleaning a little bit to much. Someone who loves making others happy and who is glad that she has the life she has. 

I see someone who sometimes wishes she didn't have a stutter. Who wishes to be like everyone else. But when she really thinks about it, she wouldn't have it any other way. 
My stutter might be a big pain in the ass, but I can't imagine my life without it. I've met some really nice people because of it and I've done some things I would have never done otherwise. It makes me see the world differently and It makes me appreciate good days even more. 

I see someone who loves to laugh and who loves to make others laugh. I also see a very sarcastic person who doesn't give out to many changes. Don't try to get on her bad side because you will forever stay there. 
I see someone who has been hurt a lot and has trust issues because of it. But once she does trust you, she would stick her hand in a fire for you. 

But most of all, I see someone who, at this moment, is happy. 
And after everything, that truely feels amazing. 


What do you guys see when you look in the mirror? 
Don't be afraid to reflect on yourself and give yourself some credit. You have already overcome a lot. Treat yourself to some positive comments to lift yourself up. 


Have a great weekend everyone! 

xx
Natasja