A little setback.

As I'm writing this, I don't even know how to put everything I feel into words. I don't know how to put all of these emotions into one good blogpost. But that's exactly what I'm going to attempt. 

I've said it in my last post, I have been under a lot of stress. Sadly enough, that hasn't changed. It has only become worse. Work is very busy and I feel like I try so hard but I can't seem to get anything done. Ever felt like that? Like you have been working hard but not getting anything done? No? Well maybe that's just me then.

So these last few weeks have been a challenge. I was not in the mood to even deal with my stutter anymore. I didn't want to think about it or work on it. I didn't want to give it any attention anymore. I wanted it to shut up and be gone. I didn't want to do my excercises. I was done with it.

Lucky enough I have a therapist who understands me. During my last session we talked about it and she understood everything that I was trying to make clear. And that is not easy because sometimes I don't even understand what I'm trying to say. I felt like I shouldn't complain but at the same time all I want to do is complain. Leen is a savior. For real. I have no idea what I would do without her. 
After that session I felt a bit better and friday was actually a good day. 

Now on to this week. Where do I start? It has been a complete disaster. It has gotten to the point where I can't even get any further than 'hello' on the telephone. 
Why? Probably stress and the fact that I'm doubting myself again. 
I can't seem to shake feeling bad about it. I try so hard to keep positive but I can't. I was doing so well and now it feels like my hard work was all for nothing.
It really feels like your heart is sinking into your shoes. For the first time in a long time I felt powerless and nervous in the office. 

Right now I think I just can't accept that I'm having a setback. I was doing so good and I was so happy with all of the progress that I made. 
But at the same time I also know that sometimes you need a setback to see exactly how far you have come. 

So the question I'm asking myself right now is 'how can I handle this?'. How do I handle this in a way that I just move on and try to get back to where I was? 
At this point, I don't know. But I do know that I have worked too hard to just let this get me down. 

Things like this happen. Stutterer or no stutterer, sometimes life gets that little bit harder. And we either handle it or we give up. 
I think what bothered me the most was the fact that I felt like I couldn't even talk to anyone about it because I don't want to complain. Why should I right? Everything else is going great. But if I feel bad than I can talk about it. If you feel like something is bothering you than it's your right to talk about and share how you feel. We shouldn't be afraid or ashamed about that. 

Monday is a new start, a new week. And we will see how it goes. I will keep you posted. 
Thank you for dealing with my ranting posts :-)

Have a good weekend everyone!
Let's take these 2 days to relax.


love,
Natasja