September Quote

Happy Saturday! (I admit, I love weekends)

Can you believe the biggest part of september is already over? Time goes so fast.

For this post I'm doing another Quote of the month. 

This quote is for everyone who compares himself or herself to others. 
Be honest, who has never done this? 
People always seem to do so. Even to people that they don't know personally. 
Even in middleschool you can see students striving to be the best and number one in the class. And parents are encouraging that.
We live in a world that is very competitive. It's not healthy.

When I was younger, I always wanted to the best in everything I did. Wether it was school or sports. For me it was like I was trying to make sure everybody knew that I was more then just the girl that couldn't talk fluently. I wanted to be perfect in everything so that my stutter wouldn't be important anymore. It was my way of hiding my flaw. 

Trying to always be the best is a heavy burden to carry. And most importantly, an unnecessary burden. 
As long as you do the best you can, you are already a winner (that's cheesy but true).
Comparing ourselves to others just leaves us stressed and maybe disappointed when the results we get aren't what we wanted.

Who cares about other people? Don't spend your life thinking about others. It's a waste of time and energy. 
Be the best that you can be.
When you don't care about what others think, do or say, that's when you can focus on yourself and improve yourself. 
You are your biggest competitor. 


I hope this quote can help all of you realise that you don't need to compare yourself to anyone. Keep on doing what you are doing! You can achieve anything you want! 



Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Love,
Natasja 

My Q to your A

Happy Saturday!

I hope you all had a good week at work/school.

For today's post I'm going to answer some of the questions I've got.

Thanks to you I can do this post, so a big thanks to everyone who send in a question.

1. When does your stutter bother you the most?

It bothers me the most when I'm in a very stressed position or when I don't feel 100% comfortable. Other people start sweating or become red when they are nervous, I begin to stutter (have blockages) more. When I have to talk to someone who has a higher position than me it will also occur more.

2. How do you think you would be if you didn't have a stutter? Would you be a totally different person?

I don't want to let my stutter hold me back but I think that I would be different without it. Hopefully a little bit more sure of myself. Because of my stutter I doubt myself constantly.

I also think I would a little bit more outgoing. I would probably talk non stop if I didn't had this. But that wouldn't be good either haha :)

3. Can you give us a negative and a positive side about your stuttering?

Well the negative one is that having a stutter (or any other 'problem') holds you back in a lot of ways. Socially it's sometimes very difficult to convince yourself to go to an event or whatever because there is a fear of meeting new people. You always have that voice in your head asking 'what will people think if they notice it?'.

For me the biggest negative one is the feeling that it gives me sometimes. When I have a bad days I feel so hopeless. After 23 years this is still here, influencing my life.
It feels like you are having a constant war inside your head. Constantly being frustrated with yourself. The stuttering itself isn't the worst, it's getting mentally tired every single day that really influences you in a negative way.

The positive one is that I think it made me a 'better' person in a way. I'm more patient with people and I try not to judge anyone. We are all fighting or own battle. Stuttering is mine.

I also try to be a more positive person because of it. I do have my bad periods but overall it's makes me realise that I have a good life. It could be a lot worse.

4. Why did you decide to study finances if you knew you would have a lot of social contact? What made you decide to do it anyway?

I knew that it was going to be hard and that I would have my work cut out for me. But this was something I could actually see myself doing. Stutter or no stutter.

It's a lot of work and mentally It's very hard sometimes but this is what I love to do.

5. Why did you decide to go back to therapy after such a long time? Were you forced or was it out of yourself?

It was my choice so go back to therapy. I was feeling more and more unsure of myself. I wasn't feeling good in my own skin. I felt like there had to be a change. My sutttering had reached a peak and I didn't know how to handle that myself.

6. Do people sometimes have prejudices?
It's known that people sometimes think that stutterers aren't as smart as others. They think that is why we can't speak fluently.
Ofcourse that is not true at all. Stutterers often have a better connection to language then anyone else.

7. What advice would you give someone who has a stutter?
Don't give up. Don't let your stutter get the best of you. You are so much more then that.
It's not easy to deal with this every single day. It's there and it's very frustrating. It's frustrating not being able to say your own name, order something in a restaurant or pick up the phone and call someone.
But I know that people who stutter are also very strong people. Don't write us of just because of this. This is just a little bump in the road.

8. Is there anything you are scared off doing because of your stuttering?
This is going to sound very stupid but I am scared that if I ever get married, I won't be able say my own vows.
I always said I didn't want to get married but since I'm in a stable relationship for almost 4 years it has come to mind. We sometimes talk about it and I have told my boyfriend that I'm scared I won't be able to say my vows. His reaction was 'We will find a way to make that work. We can always make a video where we say or vows. You shouldn't let anything hold you back' ...

I was very scared of picking up the phone. Before I started my internship I never picked up the phone at home. I avoided the phone in every way that I could.
Since my work that hasn't been an option anymore. It has a been a very very rough ride but I feel more confident now picking up the phone. It took a lot of sweat and tears but I'm happy to be at this point. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go.

9. When do you decide to tell people about your stuttering? Do you tell people from the start or not?
When I was younger It took a lot of time to tell someone. It was too personal for me to share. My good friends and family knew but that was it. I didn't want to draw attention to it.

The funny thing is that people sometimes just don't notice it. For example, my boyfriend didn't notice until I told him myself. We had been friends for a year and a half before we started dating and he never noticed something was wrong. Even though I did have blockages while speaking to him. Sometimes your stutters or blockages are just so small and short that people really don't even see any harm in it.

The past months I came to this point in my life where I didn't want to hide it so much anymore. It was getting exhausting to worry about what others would think. I wanted to use this to help others. So that's why I decided to take on this blog. Just throw it out in the world. This is me and I am proud of it. I'm proud of everything I've done so far. I think I've finally learned to accept it.

It took me a long time to come to this moment in my life. A lot of ups and downs. I think that once you've come to this, it's very liberating. Atleast for me it was. Ever since that letter to my boss, a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

Every single one of you is going to come to this point. It might take some time but you will get there.

Thank you for all the questions, you guys are amazing :-)


xxx Natasja

Are we inconvient?

Hi everyone,

I'm back, so it's time for another post.

For this post I'm working together with Joshua St Pierre.

Joshua also owns a blog about stuttering and today I want to talk about one of his articles.

In this article Joshua talks about stutterers being 'inconvient' to others. You can find the link here:

http://www.didistutter.org/blog/on-being-inconvenient1

Time is money. We have all heard that expression before.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is because sometimes I feel like I'm wasting people their time when I'm stuttering. And I can imagine that other stutterers feel the same.

To us, a stutter or a blockage seems like it lasts minutes. We sometimes don't realise that it's only a couple of seconds.

During those seconds we feel ashamed, mad at ourselves and stressed. Those are a lot of emotions to feel in a couple of seconds.

Leen and I have filmed me talking a couple of times. I always thought my blockages were almost a minute long. I clearly didn't have any clue of how long a minute actually is.

Looking at those video's I realised that my blockages were maximum 10 seconds long. It made me change my vision a little bit on my stutter. If people can't take 10 extra seconds out of their lives to listen to me, then there is something really wrong. And the problem isn't with me ... it's with them.

Joshua talks about how he takes pride in being inconvient. For me personally, that is not the case. I'm just not that convident. But I think he is right to take pride in it. Why shouldn't we take the time that we deserve?

Why should we feel like we don't deserve the time to speak? Everybody else gets the time they deserve, so I think it's only fair that we do too. You can correct me if I'm wrong on this.

You're not taking away anybody their time while talking. You are alowed to take the time that you need to get your point across. This goes for everybody. So when people look at you with a boring face, don't even sweat it. That just shows that they are not worth your time. People who actually are interested will keep on listening. No matter how long it takes.

If you have some time, go and check out Joshua his blog on this link:

http://www.didistutter.org/
Also a big thank you to Joshua for letting me use his article for this post.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the rest of your Saturday and Sunday.

xxx

Natasja

Thank you!

Hello Everyone,

Let me start by saying that I'm very overwelmed with the postive comments that I'm getting about this blog. 

I got this feature on a facebookpage about stuttering which resulted in a couple of my facebookfriends finding my blog. At first I was a little bit scared. My close friends know about my stuttering, but so far almost nobody knew about my blog. 
Leen, my therapist, also recommended my blog to a lot of colleagues.
I got some amazing comments that really warmth my heart. So to everyone who took the time to read my last post (and my blog) and leave some comments on facebook, a big thank you. 

The main reason that I decided to do this blog is because I want to help others who stutter. But most of all,  I want this blog to be a safe place for everyone. Wether you stutter or not. 
There are so many stutterers but you can hardly find any personal blogs. 
That made me want to do this even more.
This blog is also for everyone who wants some more insight on the world of stuttering. 
 So please, feel free to share this blog with anyone that might be interested. 

For one of my next posts I would love to receive some questions. Any questions that you might have about stuttering or about my life as a stutterer you can mail to meandmystutter@hotmail.com, or leave as a comment. In one of my next posts I will answer all for them. Don't leave me hanging here guys! 

This post is going to very short, light and random. Why? Because I think it's important to also keep this blog a little bit fun. I have posted some heavy things so far, time to for a happier post.

Normally I write my post with Sepp his laptop because mine broke 5 months ago. The problem with that is that he needs it alot for his work. Today I finally ordered a new one. So in the future I will have more time to plan my posts and write beforehand. Tuesday, after work, I can go and pick it up. Seeing as I leave for Munich on wednesday at 3.30 am there won't be a post up next week because we are not taking our laptops with us. We will be there until monday the 31th. I'm really excited to discover Munich. Sepp is there a lot for his work( he's there for 5 months of the year) but he never actually sees the city, time to change that! I'm also going to meet some of his friends and his boss ... the pressure is on. Talking is hard enough in Dutch, now I will have to talk English half of the time. It's a real challenge but I can not wait. You will definitely hear how that goes.

The next post will be up around the 5th of september so stay tuned :-)

If you ever have suggestions or ideas for a post, please let me know. I would love to have input seeing as you guys are the ones reading this blog. You can always comment or e-mail me. Ideas are always welcome. 

Auf Wiedersehen!

The letter that changed everything

It all started at the beginning of this year. Something changed. I changed.
I didn't feel good in my own skin anymore. 

There were things happening at work that made me feel like I didn't belong there. It seemed like I wasn't doing a good job and I should just quit while I was ahead. 
There were comments made every single day that always seemed aimed at me.
Because someone at the office had the same problem as me, I felt like I was being compared. And not in the good way.
All I wanted to do was scream out 'I am not the same!'.

A big part of the problem were the phone calls. I tried every single day but it felt like I was getting nowhere. It felt like I was moving backwards instead of forewards. I was doing therapy, why in the world was I moving backwards? Shoudn't this all be getting better? 

I felt like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. The stuttering was getting too much and I got overwelmed. Since I had been working I came in confrontation with this every single day. I work at an insurance firm and this means coming in contact with clients a lot. In person but also on the phone. I do a lot of administration but I also have to call the company's we work with when I need more information about a payment or a certain dossier. When there are problems, I have to find a way to solve them and that means picking up the phone and calling around. I am also the one that answers the phone when people call in. But that phone is the devil to me. And it showed.
People were throwing down the phone because I couldn't get a word out. It felt degrading because they wouldn't even take the time to let me finish.
People were looking at me weird when I couldn't explain something fluently when they were sitting right in from of me..
For me, the worst was that I didn't get a lot of support at my job. I felt like I was alone in this. 

After 2 months of feeling like this I broke down completely. I cried my eyes out leaving work and coming home. I always said I wouldn't work somewhere where I didn't feel accepted. Why work somewhere for 8 hours a day when all you do is feel worthless? I didn't feel like that place was the right place for me anymore. I was mad at everything and at everyone, mostly at myself. I hated myself for being like this. Why couldn't I just get over this? So many people have. I was mentally exhausted because I had try to pull myself out of this funk. 
But I didn't let it show outside of my home. Only my boyfriend and my best friend knew. 
Shout out to them for being the best people I know!

During all of these years of being a stutterer I bottled a lot up. I never wanted to seem ungreatefull for all of the help I got. During school and college the teachers were all amazing, helping me where they could. Especially in college. My french and dutch teacher both helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it without them. During the last oral exams I broke out crying because I couldn't even get out what I wanted to say. I practised to hard, in front of the mirror, in front of my boyfriend ... but nope. During the exams it wouldn't work. 
Both of them told me it was alright and they talked to me about my stuttering.
How can you even complain about that? I was just so happy that they wanted to understand. So complaining was never an option. 

But because all of this felt like a street without an end I knew I had to do something.
So I decided to tell Leen. I told her about the phone calls, about the feelings I had of not being understood ... everything. 
She was great about it and we talked for weeks about this. 

To sum it up, I was in a negative circle.
First I felt nervous because I had to call or talk to people with this stutter. I felt insecure.
Because of this it got harder and harder to do my job. Everytime I had to call someone It just didn't go well because of the negative thoughts I already put in my head. Because of this I got even more nervous to try it again. And this got me nervous when I had to speak. And so on. 
It was a circle that I needed to get out of. 

In may I was leaving for a holiday of 2 weeks, 11 days were going to be spend in Turkey. 
You have no idea how much I was looking forward this. I think people were actually getting tired of me saying 'oh only ... days until I leave for Turkey'. I had the countdown calender and everything. I needed to get out of that office so bad. Since January I had been working every day with these negative thoughts spooking around in my head. I'd been feeling mentally exhausted since the last year of college (I talked about this in my first post), but when this was added to it, I couldn't control my feelings anymore.

We saw the perfect opportunity to tell my boss everything. I had to tell him how I felt because I needed his help. I needed him to help me with these phone calls and I needed him to understand what it has been like. But most of all I didn't want to be compared anymore.
In those 2 weeks both him and I would also have the chance to reflect. 
Because it wouldn't be easy to tell him in person (I'm a cry baby so I wouldn't be able to tell him without shedding tears the size of a river), we decided to tell him trough a letter. 

3 weeks before I left for Turkey I wrote the letter. Terrified of giving it to him, me and Leen went over it a couple of times. Analyzing what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.
I was scared that he was going to thing that I was overreacting. But at the same time I felt like I had a right to say what I feel. 

On may 19th I put the letter in the mailbox when I left the office, hoping that this would change something.

I'm so glad to tell you that it did.
Me and my boss talked about it when I came back. He told me how he felt and how it was hard for him to understand why I felt so bad.  
At first I thought that it wouldn't change anything because of this comment.
But little by little the situation got better because I actually felt like I could speak to him about this. 
The pressure of making these phone calls isn't there anymore. Now I do this on my own time and when it doesn't seem to work, I know that I can always ask for help. He also calms me down or give me tips.
 
My job is really stressfull. Not only because of my stutter. But now I can finally say that I like my job again.
I'm happy that if something is wrong I don't have to feel ashamed anymore to talk about it. 
The subject of stuttering is out in the open and it feels great. 

If you ever go trough the same thing, please stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself feel bad because of other people. You can do anything. Even if it takes up a little bit more time. Never apologize for having a stutter or any other problem. That would be the same as apologizing for being a brunette, a blonde or a redhead. It's a part of you and it makes you who you are.



Have a good weekend!
X
Natasja 

ps. Sorry for the long post ;)


 

Quote of the month

Every month I am going to share a quote that has had a lot of meaning to me. I hope that these quotes can also help and motivate you :)

This quote above has helped me a lot. 
This year I have had some rough times (In the next post I will explain some more). I doubted myself and I doubted if I could go on. 
I felt exhausted. I felt like I was fighting a constant war in my head. 

These words helped me remind myself of how far I have come in my life. So many years ago, I would have never expected to be where I am now. 
I would have never expected to handle situations like I have. 

Wether you stutter, have dyslexia or any another problem that makes you feel like you are worth less then others, don't forget how strong you are.
Don't forget of the struggles you have been through and how you have overcome all of them. 

Ofcourse I am totally aware that this is easier said then done.
I know that there are times where being positive just isn't an option. You just don't feel like trying to find the good things. 

But it is worth it. Being negative isn't helping you move forward either. 
What is going to help you move forward is all of the strenght that you have because life hasn't been easy on you. You have learned from that and those lessons are going to help you in the future. 

The things that is making your live more difficult is also the thing that is making you stronger every day. 
Sometimes you just need a couple of words to remind yourself of that.  






Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone <3 
  

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out

I found this drawing on Tumblr and I really wanted to use it for my blog.
I think it's describes what has been said to me over the years just perfectly.
I wanted to thank the amazing and talented intertwinedheartss on tumblr (www.intertwinedheartss.tumblr.com) for letting me use her artwork.

I think all of us who stutter can relate to this drawing so much. All of those words have been said to us, and they hurt. They make you feel so bad about yourself. Even if some of them aren't used to harm you but to help you.

I'm going to talk a bit about some of these comments. 
Have one of those things ever been said to you? How did you feel about it? Please let me know, I would love to get to know you better.

 - Relax
Something that has been said to me too many times. Saying 'relax' has never helped me and it never will. It's not a magic word. It won't get me relaxed. It will make me feel nervous because I feel like I need to be relaxed for you. 

- I don't have all day / Come on already
Luckily, nobody has every said this to me. I think saying something like that to someone who stutters, or to anybody for that matter, is just plain rude. You will listen to what we have to say, even if it takes us a whole day. Everybody has the right to be heard. 
Patience is the key with people who stutter. Don't rush us. Make us feel comfortable, that is the only way to take away the stress of speaking.

- I've seen worse
Oh have you? Well let me talk fluently now because obviously I am not the worst thing you have seen. That makes me feel great about myself and my stutter. Nope.

- Did I stutter?
I HATE people who use the word 'stutter' as something that they just trow in a sentence.
The fact is that everybody sometimes stutters. People on tv, on the radio, they all do it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. There is no need to use it in an argument as a way to make someone feel bad about not understanding you. 
As you can see, the title of my blog is 'Did I stutter?'. I choose this because I'm tired of people using this as a joke. For once, I wanted to see it being used in the right way. Did I stutter? Well yes I did. And there is no reason to hide it. 

- I know how you feel 
Unless you stutter yourself, you don't know how I feel. There is no discussing that. 
It's the same as saying 'I know how you feel' to someone who is very sick when you have never been sick. 
Do you know how it feels to be an outcast? Do you know how it feels to be scared to go somewhere where you have to speak? Do you know how it feels to feel your heart racing like crazy every time the phone rings? Do you know how it feels to be so frustrated with yourself that you never want to speak again? Do you know how it feels to not be able to say your own name? Or the name of the ones you love? 

- Did you forget your name or something?
I think out of all the comments, this is the one that gets to me the most.
I hate not being able to say my name. 
Your name is something really emotional and that is exactly the reason why most people stutter on it.
When people say 'Did you forget your name or something' it makes me feel so bad about myself. I can't even describe the feeling. It just makes me feel helpless.

- Breathe
My boss says this to me a lot. When I'm on the phone to him and I can't say what I need to say, he always tells me to breathe in and out. 
Obviously I know that I need to breathe in and out, I don't need anyone to tell me that. 
I appreciate that he tries to keep me calm and wants to help but to be honest, it never really helps me. I tell myself to breathe in and out every single moment of the day. It just doesn't work. 

- It's not that bad
Well to you it might not seem bad, but for me it feels like it is.
If you have had this for many years and you don't see it going away, it doesn't really help your confidence. 
For me it's bad because I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of having this. 
People might say this to make you feel better but let's face it, it doens't help you much when you already feel like shit on the inside.


To everybody that has ever tried to make me feel comfortable and took the time to listen to me... Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. Thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for letting me be myself.

I really hope that all of you guys who are reading this have friends and family that let them be themselves. If you ever need to talk about your stutter (or anything else), please message me. You can find me on twitter, on tumblr and you can find my e-mail on my blog. I'm always here to help.