Stop telephoning me ...

The phone. Or should I say, one of the biggest causes of my stresslevels.

Until I started my job, I never choose to call someone instead of text someone. Texting was my safetynet. Now, I don't have a choice anymore. I either pick up that phone, or problems don't get solved and clients will find another insurance agent. 

When I first started my job, I just avoided the phone. The picking up part was already too difficult for me to do. Just hearing it ring made my heart go insane. 
And when I had the strenght to actually pick it up, I couldn't bring out a single word. 

Slowly it started to get a little easier to pick the phone and actually get a word out. 
After a couple of months (Yes I know that's a long time but Rome wasn't build in a day either haha) I could actually say 'Zakenkantoor Johan Droogmans, how may I help you?' without any blockage or stutter. That itself was already a big win for me. I guess it's true what they say, the more you practise and actually do it ... the better it gets. 

Ofcourse I don't only have to pick up the phone, I have to make phonecalls as well.
If you think that picking up the phone is already difficult for me, then you have seen nothing yet. 

Making a phonecall to a company we work with (AG insurace, AXA, P&V insurances, DKV healthinsurance ...) or to a costumor is very stressfull for me. Because now I'm the one that has to do explain everything and ask the questions. 

The worst phonecall until now was where I just couldn't explain anything anymore. I just completely shut down. I could only hear 'Hello Hello?' coming from the other end of the line. I just wanted to scream out 'I'm sorry but I having a blockage, i'm so sorry'. There were so many thoughts going around in my head that I couldn't even try to stay calm. Out of frustration I just put the phone down. I didn't want to try anymore. I guess we all have those days sometimes. At one point you just get sick of trying. The thing I do when I get very upset? Cry. I will actually go to the toilet, cry a bit, calm myself down and get back at it and try it again. And it might sound very silly that I cry but for me that is a sign that I care and that I want to do my job well. If I didn't care, I wouldn't put time into worrying about it.

You know what's funny? Every time that I need to call a customer, I hope that I get voicemail. Because when I get a voicemail, I can fluently say what I need to say. No stutters, no blockages and most of all, no worries. Isn't that weird? I find it weird sometimes. 
How come that I can talk fluently when I'm alone (yes I talk to myself sometimes) or when I talk to the voicemail, but from the moment I know that someone is listening I just shut down.
I don't know why I get so worked up about it. Having stress is not helping me. Sometimes I find myself so silly for stressing out so much. I know can explain the problem or the situation, the only thing that is holding me back is the stress. 
But it's exactly that part that I can't fix that easily. 
There have been so many failures that I keep close in my thoughts, it's hard to shut that off. 

But I am determined to be able to make good phone calls. 
I know that I can do it and I want to prove it. To my boss, to the people on the line but mostly to myself. 

When I finally find some tips that help me, I will share them :-)


Love,
Natasja xxx

Society these days

Today I read an article in the paper that talked about the pressure that the youth has the deal with these days. 
So with that article in mind, I'm doing a post on the pressure of society these days.
I really wanted to write about this because the subject itself makes my blood boil.

In the article there was a boy with dyslexia who said that he doesn't even feel like he belongs in his own house. He gets teased by his family for being 'slower'  and more stupid then his classmates.
Or let's not forget the boy who was highly gifted but was described as being stuck up and showing of with his grades? For that he was bullied every single day.
Or another boy with ADHD who turned to drugs because instead of helping him, his teachers told him that he wouldn't amount to anything. 

Having a disorder, no matter what type it is, is hard in this society. 
For me, it has always been a battle. 
I didn't want to be an outcast because of my stutter, but I didn't want to fit in either. Because I knew that I wasn't like everyone else. 
In stores I have gotten strange looks when I wasn't able to say what I wanted to order, I could feel the judgement actually hanging in the room. People were actually laughing about it to my face.
It made me feel so bad, so alone. 
I've come to the conclusion that this is who I am. And I don't want to be like anyone else.
I don't fit in and that's fine with me.

I can't imagine what it's like having a disorder like ADHD. But I do know people who have it. And I have a great amount of respect for them. Same for people with Dyslexia. 
No matter what the disorder is, it's something that changes you forever. It's also something that makes you feel like an outcast forever. 

How about the boys and girls who are gay?  
Or the people who are transgender? 
Having the fear that people, even your own family, aren't going to except you for who you are?
A lot of people have come to terms with the thought of someone being gay or transgender, but not everyone has.
People get bullied for it, even become the target of fights.
Why shouldn't we be allowed to chose who we love? Why shouldn't we go trough life as the person we choose to be? 
Why do so many people feel ashamed for being who they are? 

I've talked about a couple of things society sees as a 'problem'. But there is one still to come. Depression. Something that a lot of us battle with. And a lot of that are younger kids and teenagers. How is it that teenageers of 16 or 17 are already fighting this? 
This is a clear sign that something is wrong. 
When you are 16 or 17 you should be having the time of you life, not going trough something like that. 
How is it that we only see the signs when it's too late? 
'Oh yes, she told me she was bullied but I didn't do anything about it' ... This is actually something a principal said about one of her own students committing suicide.

Sometimes I feel disgusted being human.

One last thing to close down my post.
Go and look on tumblr. There are so many posts about not fitting in, feeling like an outcast, having depressions and even committing suicide. 
If that's not a sign than I don't know what it.

I think society can go screw itself. 
I'd rather be an outcast that accepts people for who they are, then to fit in in a world where you can't be yourself. A world where it's okay to make others feel like they don't belong. 

I always say, live and let live. 
I'm not here to judge anyone. 



Love,
Natasja 

September Quote

Happy Saturday! (I admit, I love weekends)

Can you believe the biggest part of september is already over? Time goes so fast.

For this post I'm doing another Quote of the month. 

This quote is for everyone who compares himself or herself to others. 
Be honest, who has never done this? 
People always seem to do so. Even to people that they don't know personally. 
Even in middleschool you can see students striving to be the best and number one in the class. And parents are encouraging that.
We live in a world that is very competitive. It's not healthy.

When I was younger, I always wanted to the best in everything I did. Wether it was school or sports. For me it was like I was trying to make sure everybody knew that I was more then just the girl that couldn't talk fluently. I wanted to be perfect in everything so that my stutter wouldn't be important anymore. It was my way of hiding my flaw. 

Trying to always be the best is a heavy burden to carry. And most importantly, an unnecessary burden. 
As long as you do the best you can, you are already a winner (that's cheesy but true).
Comparing ourselves to others just leaves us stressed and maybe disappointed when the results we get aren't what we wanted.

Who cares about other people? Don't spend your life thinking about others. It's a waste of time and energy. 
Be the best that you can be.
When you don't care about what others think, do or say, that's when you can focus on yourself and improve yourself. 
You are your biggest competitor. 


I hope this quote can help all of you realise that you don't need to compare yourself to anyone. Keep on doing what you are doing! You can achieve anything you want! 



Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Love,
Natasja 

My Q to your A

Happy Saturday!

I hope you all had a good week at work/school.

For today's post I'm going to answer some of the questions I've got.

Thanks to you I can do this post, so a big thanks to everyone who send in a question.

1. When does your stutter bother you the most?

It bothers me the most when I'm in a very stressed position or when I don't feel 100% comfortable. Other people start sweating or become red when they are nervous, I begin to stutter (have blockages) more. When I have to talk to someone who has a higher position than me it will also occur more.

2. How do you think you would be if you didn't have a stutter? Would you be a totally different person?

I don't want to let my stutter hold me back but I think that I would be different without it. Hopefully a little bit more sure of myself. Because of my stutter I doubt myself constantly.

I also think I would a little bit more outgoing. I would probably talk non stop if I didn't had this. But that wouldn't be good either haha :)

3. Can you give us a negative and a positive side about your stuttering?

Well the negative one is that having a stutter (or any other 'problem') holds you back in a lot of ways. Socially it's sometimes very difficult to convince yourself to go to an event or whatever because there is a fear of meeting new people. You always have that voice in your head asking 'what will people think if they notice it?'.

For me the biggest negative one is the feeling that it gives me sometimes. When I have a bad days I feel so hopeless. After 23 years this is still here, influencing my life.
It feels like you are having a constant war inside your head. Constantly being frustrated with yourself. The stuttering itself isn't the worst, it's getting mentally tired every single day that really influences you in a negative way.

The positive one is that I think it made me a 'better' person in a way. I'm more patient with people and I try not to judge anyone. We are all fighting or own battle. Stuttering is mine.

I also try to be a more positive person because of it. I do have my bad periods but overall it's makes me realise that I have a good life. It could be a lot worse.

4. Why did you decide to study finances if you knew you would have a lot of social contact? What made you decide to do it anyway?

I knew that it was going to be hard and that I would have my work cut out for me. But this was something I could actually see myself doing. Stutter or no stutter.

It's a lot of work and mentally It's very hard sometimes but this is what I love to do.

5. Why did you decide to go back to therapy after such a long time? Were you forced or was it out of yourself?

It was my choice so go back to therapy. I was feeling more and more unsure of myself. I wasn't feeling good in my own skin. I felt like there had to be a change. My sutttering had reached a peak and I didn't know how to handle that myself.

6. Do people sometimes have prejudices?
It's known that people sometimes think that stutterers aren't as smart as others. They think that is why we can't speak fluently.
Ofcourse that is not true at all. Stutterers often have a better connection to language then anyone else.

7. What advice would you give someone who has a stutter?
Don't give up. Don't let your stutter get the best of you. You are so much more then that.
It's not easy to deal with this every single day. It's there and it's very frustrating. It's frustrating not being able to say your own name, order something in a restaurant or pick up the phone and call someone.
But I know that people who stutter are also very strong people. Don't write us of just because of this. This is just a little bump in the road.

8. Is there anything you are scared off doing because of your stuttering?
This is going to sound very stupid but I am scared that if I ever get married, I won't be able say my own vows.
I always said I didn't want to get married but since I'm in a stable relationship for almost 4 years it has come to mind. We sometimes talk about it and I have told my boyfriend that I'm scared I won't be able to say my vows. His reaction was 'We will find a way to make that work. We can always make a video where we say or vows. You shouldn't let anything hold you back' ...

I was very scared of picking up the phone. Before I started my internship I never picked up the phone at home. I avoided the phone in every way that I could.
Since my work that hasn't been an option anymore. It has a been a very very rough ride but I feel more confident now picking up the phone. It took a lot of sweat and tears but I'm happy to be at this point. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go.

9. When do you decide to tell people about your stuttering? Do you tell people from the start or not?
When I was younger It took a lot of time to tell someone. It was too personal for me to share. My good friends and family knew but that was it. I didn't want to draw attention to it.

The funny thing is that people sometimes just don't notice it. For example, my boyfriend didn't notice until I told him myself. We had been friends for a year and a half before we started dating and he never noticed something was wrong. Even though I did have blockages while speaking to him. Sometimes your stutters or blockages are just so small and short that people really don't even see any harm in it.

The past months I came to this point in my life where I didn't want to hide it so much anymore. It was getting exhausting to worry about what others would think. I wanted to use this to help others. So that's why I decided to take on this blog. Just throw it out in the world. This is me and I am proud of it. I'm proud of everything I've done so far. I think I've finally learned to accept it.

It took me a long time to come to this moment in my life. A lot of ups and downs. I think that once you've come to this, it's very liberating. Atleast for me it was. Ever since that letter to my boss, a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

Every single one of you is going to come to this point. It might take some time but you will get there.

Thank you for all the questions, you guys are amazing :-)


xxx Natasja

Are we inconvient?

Hi everyone,

I'm back, so it's time for another post.

For this post I'm working together with Joshua St Pierre.

Joshua also owns a blog about stuttering and today I want to talk about one of his articles.

In this article Joshua talks about stutterers being 'inconvient' to others. You can find the link here:

http://www.didistutter.org/blog/on-being-inconvenient1

Time is money. We have all heard that expression before.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is because sometimes I feel like I'm wasting people their time when I'm stuttering. And I can imagine that other stutterers feel the same.

To us, a stutter or a blockage seems like it lasts minutes. We sometimes don't realise that it's only a couple of seconds.

During those seconds we feel ashamed, mad at ourselves and stressed. Those are a lot of emotions to feel in a couple of seconds.

Leen and I have filmed me talking a couple of times. I always thought my blockages were almost a minute long. I clearly didn't have any clue of how long a minute actually is.

Looking at those video's I realised that my blockages were maximum 10 seconds long. It made me change my vision a little bit on my stutter. If people can't take 10 extra seconds out of their lives to listen to me, then there is something really wrong. And the problem isn't with me ... it's with them.

Joshua talks about how he takes pride in being inconvient. For me personally, that is not the case. I'm just not that convident. But I think he is right to take pride in it. Why shouldn't we take the time that we deserve?

Why should we feel like we don't deserve the time to speak? Everybody else gets the time they deserve, so I think it's only fair that we do too. You can correct me if I'm wrong on this.

You're not taking away anybody their time while talking. You are alowed to take the time that you need to get your point across. This goes for everybody. So when people look at you with a boring face, don't even sweat it. That just shows that they are not worth your time. People who actually are interested will keep on listening. No matter how long it takes.

If you have some time, go and check out Joshua his blog on this link:

http://www.didistutter.org/
Also a big thank you to Joshua for letting me use his article for this post.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the rest of your Saturday and Sunday.

xxx

Natasja

Thank you!

Hello Everyone,

Let me start by saying that I'm very overwelmed with the postive comments that I'm getting about this blog. 

I got this feature on a facebookpage about stuttering which resulted in a couple of my facebookfriends finding my blog. At first I was a little bit scared. My close friends know about my stuttering, but so far almost nobody knew about my blog. 
Leen, my therapist, also recommended my blog to a lot of colleagues.
I got some amazing comments that really warmth my heart. So to everyone who took the time to read my last post (and my blog) and leave some comments on facebook, a big thank you. 

The main reason that I decided to do this blog is because I want to help others who stutter. But most of all,  I want this blog to be a safe place for everyone. Wether you stutter or not. 
There are so many stutterers but you can hardly find any personal blogs. 
That made me want to do this even more.
This blog is also for everyone who wants some more insight on the world of stuttering. 
 So please, feel free to share this blog with anyone that might be interested. 

For one of my next posts I would love to receive some questions. Any questions that you might have about stuttering or about my life as a stutterer you can mail to meandmystutter@hotmail.com, or leave as a comment. In one of my next posts I will answer all for them. Don't leave me hanging here guys! 

This post is going to very short, light and random. Why? Because I think it's important to also keep this blog a little bit fun. I have posted some heavy things so far, time to for a happier post.

Normally I write my post with Sepp his laptop because mine broke 5 months ago. The problem with that is that he needs it alot for his work. Today I finally ordered a new one. So in the future I will have more time to plan my posts and write beforehand. Tuesday, after work, I can go and pick it up. Seeing as I leave for Munich on wednesday at 3.30 am there won't be a post up next week because we are not taking our laptops with us. We will be there until monday the 31th. I'm really excited to discover Munich. Sepp is there a lot for his work( he's there for 5 months of the year) but he never actually sees the city, time to change that! I'm also going to meet some of his friends and his boss ... the pressure is on. Talking is hard enough in Dutch, now I will have to talk English half of the time. It's a real challenge but I can not wait. You will definitely hear how that goes.

The next post will be up around the 5th of september so stay tuned :-)

If you ever have suggestions or ideas for a post, please let me know. I would love to have input seeing as you guys are the ones reading this blog. You can always comment or e-mail me. Ideas are always welcome. 

Auf Wiedersehen!

The letter that changed everything

It all started at the beginning of this year. Something changed. I changed.
I didn't feel good in my own skin anymore. 

There were things happening at work that made me feel like I didn't belong there. It seemed like I wasn't doing a good job and I should just quit while I was ahead. 
There were comments made every single day that always seemed aimed at me.
Because someone at the office had the same problem as me, I felt like I was being compared. And not in the good way.
All I wanted to do was scream out 'I am not the same!'.

A big part of the problem were the phone calls. I tried every single day but it felt like I was getting nowhere. It felt like I was moving backwards instead of forewards. I was doing therapy, why in the world was I moving backwards? Shoudn't this all be getting better? 

I felt like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. The stuttering was getting too much and I got overwelmed. Since I had been working I came in confrontation with this every single day. I work at an insurance firm and this means coming in contact with clients a lot. In person but also on the phone. I do a lot of administration but I also have to call the company's we work with when I need more information about a payment or a certain dossier. When there are problems, I have to find a way to solve them and that means picking up the phone and calling around. I am also the one that answers the phone when people call in. But that phone is the devil to me. And it showed.
People were throwing down the phone because I couldn't get a word out. It felt degrading because they wouldn't even take the time to let me finish.
People were looking at me weird when I couldn't explain something fluently when they were sitting right in from of me..
For me, the worst was that I didn't get a lot of support at my job. I felt like I was alone in this. 

After 2 months of feeling like this I broke down completely. I cried my eyes out leaving work and coming home. I always said I wouldn't work somewhere where I didn't feel accepted. Why work somewhere for 8 hours a day when all you do is feel worthless? I didn't feel like that place was the right place for me anymore. I was mad at everything and at everyone, mostly at myself. I hated myself for being like this. Why couldn't I just get over this? So many people have. I was mentally exhausted because I had try to pull myself out of this funk. 
But I didn't let it show outside of my home. Only my boyfriend and my best friend knew. 
Shout out to them for being the best people I know!

During all of these years of being a stutterer I bottled a lot up. I never wanted to seem ungreatefull for all of the help I got. During school and college the teachers were all amazing, helping me where they could. Especially in college. My french and dutch teacher both helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it without them. During the last oral exams I broke out crying because I couldn't even get out what I wanted to say. I practised to hard, in front of the mirror, in front of my boyfriend ... but nope. During the exams it wouldn't work. 
Both of them told me it was alright and they talked to me about my stuttering.
How can you even complain about that? I was just so happy that they wanted to understand. So complaining was never an option. 

But because all of this felt like a street without an end I knew I had to do something.
So I decided to tell Leen. I told her about the phone calls, about the feelings I had of not being understood ... everything. 
She was great about it and we talked for weeks about this. 

To sum it up, I was in a negative circle.
First I felt nervous because I had to call or talk to people with this stutter. I felt insecure.
Because of this it got harder and harder to do my job. Everytime I had to call someone It just didn't go well because of the negative thoughts I already put in my head. Because of this I got even more nervous to try it again. And this got me nervous when I had to speak. And so on. 
It was a circle that I needed to get out of. 

In may I was leaving for a holiday of 2 weeks, 11 days were going to be spend in Turkey. 
You have no idea how much I was looking forward this. I think people were actually getting tired of me saying 'oh only ... days until I leave for Turkey'. I had the countdown calender and everything. I needed to get out of that office so bad. Since January I had been working every day with these negative thoughts spooking around in my head. I'd been feeling mentally exhausted since the last year of college (I talked about this in my first post), but when this was added to it, I couldn't control my feelings anymore.

We saw the perfect opportunity to tell my boss everything. I had to tell him how I felt because I needed his help. I needed him to help me with these phone calls and I needed him to understand what it has been like. But most of all I didn't want to be compared anymore.
In those 2 weeks both him and I would also have the chance to reflect. 
Because it wouldn't be easy to tell him in person (I'm a cry baby so I wouldn't be able to tell him without shedding tears the size of a river), we decided to tell him trough a letter. 

3 weeks before I left for Turkey I wrote the letter. Terrified of giving it to him, me and Leen went over it a couple of times. Analyzing what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.
I was scared that he was going to thing that I was overreacting. But at the same time I felt like I had a right to say what I feel. 

On may 19th I put the letter in the mailbox when I left the office, hoping that this would change something.

I'm so glad to tell you that it did.
Me and my boss talked about it when I came back. He told me how he felt and how it was hard for him to understand why I felt so bad.  
At first I thought that it wouldn't change anything because of this comment.
But little by little the situation got better because I actually felt like I could speak to him about this. 
The pressure of making these phone calls isn't there anymore. Now I do this on my own time and when it doesn't seem to work, I know that I can always ask for help. He also calms me down or give me tips.
 
My job is really stressfull. Not only because of my stutter. But now I can finally say that I like my job again.
I'm happy that if something is wrong I don't have to feel ashamed anymore to talk about it. 
The subject of stuttering is out in the open and it feels great. 

If you ever go trough the same thing, please stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself feel bad because of other people. You can do anything. Even if it takes up a little bit more time. Never apologize for having a stutter or any other problem. That would be the same as apologizing for being a brunette, a blonde or a redhead. It's a part of you and it makes you who you are.



Have a good weekend!
X
Natasja 

ps. Sorry for the long post ;)