What a week ...

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Me and my parents lost our dog, Max, who was with us for 12 years. 
Because of that I haven't been sleeping well and I've been feeling bad. I know that most people might say 'it's just a dog' but to me he was my best friend. He was my parents their best friend. He was the last part of my grandparents that we still had with us. It's like losing a part of yourself.

I've told you before that when I'm sick, when something is bothering me or when I'm not sleeping well my stutter is worse than normal. 
The funny part is that during this all, my stutter hasn't been as bad as normal.  

I have actually been doing a lot more phonecalls this week than normally in a month ... And they haven't been bad at all. Most of them were actually pretty fluent. 

Why were my phonecalls better this week? I think it's because I couldn't really care about them. Why would I care about a stupid call when my dog just passed away? I wasn't thinking about the other person on the line. I wasn't worrying about how they would react when I would make a stutter. It didn't matter to me as much as normal. For once, when I picked up that phone, I wasn't filled with stress. I wasn't overthinking it. 

It was actually relieving to not have a mind full of negative thoughts for once. 

I hope that this helps me in the future. That it helps me to let things go. 
This helped me realise that I'm able to make phonecalls. Phonecalls where I can actually explain everything to the person on the other line. 

I know that it's not going to go smoothly every time. And that's normal. But for now, not having to pick up the phone with shaking hands and a heart pounding like crazy is good enough for me. 


R.I.P. max. You will never be forgotten. 





Love,
Natasja 

Happy birthday

Monday I turned 24. My mom turned 57. Yes we have the same birthday :-). I'm very lucky to share a birthday with my mom.

For me turning 24 also means 19 years of dealing with my stuttering. So I used the day to reflect on my life so far. 

For 19 years I've had a lot of self doubt, a lot of fear of people knowing that I have a stutter. I was scared to be vulnerable. I didn't like it when people saw who I really was, someone struggling every step of the way to feel good. 
Every time I had a stutter I would feel so ashamed. And for what? For being who I am? 

I've had those thoughts for most of my life. Turning 24 made me realise that I've spend most of my life thinking about what others would think of me. I've wasted hours, days, months. 
The last few months I have started to change that. 

It's a hard thing. Changing thoughts you've had for 19 years. 
When I was little I always told myself that my stutter would be gone by the time I turned 20 or 25. I told myself I would work so hard and it would be gone by the time I had a job. I would be able to make phonecalls, talk to people and do all of it without stuttering. I would even pretend to work as a secretary and make fake phonecalls when I was little. I loved it. And now I absolutely hate it ... 

When I was younger I would pretend to be a grown up, I would pretend that my life would be so much better than it was at that point. I would actually dream about not having a stutter. All I wanted was to be normal. 

Now I've realised that I'm probably never going to be completely stutter-free. And that's not what I want either. I want to be able to have conversations, phonecalls and do it all with stutters. But with comfortable short stutters instead of blockages. My goal has changed from being stutter-free to being comfortable with it. Right now, that's all I want.

I can not count all of the negative experiences I've had so far. All of the bad phonecalls where I couldn't even say a word. Or the conversations where I felt like my blockage was actually cutting all of the air off. 
But I can not forget about all of the good moments. The happiness I have felt when I had a succesfull phonecall or conversation. Or the happiness that comes from a good session at therapy. And let's not forget the speaking assignments at school that made me feel on top of the world. 

In 24 years I've overcome a lot of hurdles. I look back at some moments and think 'Why was I even stressing about that?' 'Why was I scared to make a stutter?' ... The negative moments are nothing compared to the good ones. I know that there are a lot of negatives ones to come, I'm still struggling with a lot of things but I have so many people in my life supporting me and helping me ... I know that I'm going to be all right. I'm only 24 years old. 


To all of the people who have a stutter I just want to say that you are not alone. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You are more then just someone that stutters. You are a fighter because you've never known anything else. All you've had to do is fight. And that is exactly what makes you different. It's not the stuttering, it's the fact that you are not someone that gives up. You're going to reach your goal, one way or another. 




Love,
Natasja 

Dear mum and dad

Dear mum and dad,

I've always tried to be a good daughter. I've always tried to be someone you could be proud of. Why? Because you have sacreficed a lot for me over the years.

Thank you for always taking time for me and never judging me. You accepted me and my stutter and did whatever you could to help me deal with it.

For 6 years you took me to speech therapy every single week for multiple times.
In the beginning I had to go 3 times a week for 1,5 hours. I've never heard you complain. 
You always took me there, waited for me and helped me. 

I can imagine this wasn't easy. Both of you worked every day and still had to run the household. Mum, you even changed your job when you heard that I needed to go to therapy that often. And dad, you left your job earlier to drive me on fridays just to make sure I wouldn't miss a session. 

I'm not going to lie. You were strict on me. I remember being so scared when I had to come home with a bad test. I always felt so bad because I knew I had let you down. 
Luckily those bad grades didn't happen a lot and if it happened, I always found a way to make it up. 
Thanks to you I never had any big troubles at school. You made sure I balanced homework with therapy sessions without too many problems. Even after my sessions you helped me with my homework. 

I think it's important to realise that having a child that has a stutter is not easy on the parents either. They need to arrange therapy, take their child to therapy, do the household and maybe balence other children as well.
You guys have always balanced it out perfectly. 

Thank you for giving me everything I needed. 
Thank you for teaching me to work hard and not give up.
Thank you for loving me the way I am and putting me first.
Thank you for making yourselves the best parents I could ever wish for. 
I am a very lucky person. 
I hope I have done nothing but make you proud. 


Love,
Natasja 

Little recap of the past 2 weeks

Due to a lot of work at my job and at home I haven't really got the chance to post in these 2 weeks, which I apologize about. I'm not the kind of person that can post something real quick and not think about it anymore. When I post something it's related to me and my situation. I always try to think of something where others can get some support or help from.

For this post I'm going to do a recap of the past 2 weeks. How has my stuttering been? Has it been worse, better or has it stayed the same as before?

I can say one thing, in these past 2 weeks I have answered more phonecalls than normally in 1 month. It's been very busy at my job due to the fact that a lot of things are changing for our clients, in a good way ofcourse, and the fact that I'm just 8 new contracts away from hitting my yearly goal. So the pressure is on. 

With all of this comes a lot of stress and pressure. Something that, eventho I had a lot of work during college, is a little bit new to me. It's a different kind of stress or pressure. As I have said before, stress influences my stuttering a lot.

I have so say that I'm pretty happy with how I have been handling incoming phone calls lately. I'm still having small stutters or small blockages but I'm controling them more and I'm not thinking about them so much anymore. Ofcourse this can change from day to day and I know that I will have days where it will be more difficult. 

Overall, incoming calls are going good. Can they be better? Ofcourse, but Rome wasn't build in a day and neither is handling your stuttering. 

When it comes to phonecalls that I have to make myself, it's a little bit harder. 
First of all, when you make a phone call it's common to say your name and the company, now that is already something that is very hard for me. Then there is the part where your message has to come across loud and clearly to the person on the other line. Now imagine already stressing out about saying your name ... how in the world will you get your message across? The stress is already build up so high in the beginning that it's hard to lower it during the rest of the call. 

For me, those calls are definitely a work in progress. So far, they are still a disaster. I can't get myself to actually make a phone call where I don't have any problems with just introducing myself. It's frustrating because I want to be able to do my job like everyone else would.
All I can do is keep practicing. 

Talking in general is going pretty good. Not without stutters or blockages but with more relaxed stutters or blockages. There isn't so much pressure on my troath anymore which makes it easier to talk a little bit more fluently. 
This also fluctuates day to day. 
I sometimes try to make voluntarily stutters during my speaking. This isn't easy for me because it sometimes feels a bit unnatural. 
A voluntarily stutter is when I can feel a stutter coming up and to avoid a blockage or a real stutter I will actually make a stutter myself. For example, instead of having a blockage on my name, I would say 'Na-Na-Natasja'. I'm still making a stutter but it's more relaxed, shorter and it won't end up in a blockage.

To get rid of the unnatural feeling, me and Leen have speaking assignments where I have to tell a short story or just talk about something random. While I'm doing this I would have to make voluntarily stutters. That helps to make it feel more natural and more common to me. 
Outside of the therapy it's very hard for me to do this but I do try to slip a voluntarily stutter into my speaking sometimes. 

Last but not least is my reading. Yes, I also have trouble with reading. When I just began my therapy again, I couldn't even read one sentence out loud without stuttering or having blockages on pretty much every word.
I have been practising a lot on my reading and it's been going better.
It's also something that me and Leen work on a lot. 
By also making stutters on a voluntarily basis I can take the pressure off certain letters or words just like with my speaking.
Now I can actually read a short story fluently without to many blockages or stutters. Trust me when I say, that took a lot of effort and a lot of work. 
Just like with my speaking, there are good and bad days. Some days I can read a whole story without even having to make a voluntarily stutter and other days it's very hard to even start the sentence. 

Overall, I'm pleased with how I'm doing so far. Seeing as I'm under a lot of stress it could have been a lot worse. I try to take a lot of energy out of the good days so that the bad ones can be forgotten quickly. 

The key words are patience, work and having faith in yourself.



Love, 
Natasja 

Quote of the month

For someone who stutters it is sometimes very difficult to say what they want. Because the more we speak, the more of a chance there is that we would stutter. Ofcourse you have stutterers that don't give a crap about how hard it is. They just say whatever they want, stutters or no stutters. Blockages or no blockages. God how I admire them. But for this post I am going to talk about my own experience with it. 

Sometimes you want to say something so bad, but you hold back because it's not worth risking stuttering for. I'm guilty of doing that. Just not speaking because it's easier. 
This can happen with important things like work or with little things like going to stores, ordering something or just talking in general.

With every word that floats around in your head, there is so much doubt and fear. Your mind is constantly at work.  
Speaking as a stutterer I can truely say that it's emotionally very draining sometimes.
We should just be able to say 'Fuck it' and just say what we want, whenever we want and how fast or slow that we want. 

I overthink so many things. My mind is always working and always thinking about things for work, things at home ... 
Same with my stuttering. For example, when I have to order something at a restaurant I will already have practised in my head. I will make sure it's something that I can actually say fluently. 
Same with going to the bakery or any other store. 

I wish I didn't think about it that much. I do have days where I just go in and order and I don't think about my stuttering. Those days are becoming to be more and more frequently. Which I am happy about. But It's very normal that it's not like that every time. 

People will often say 'just say what you want to say, it doesn't matter how long it takes'. That very easily said. People should really be able to look into the mind of a stutterer sometimes. I don't think a lot of them would last even 5 minutes. 
For us, it will always matter. Even if we stutter less, it will still matter because we will always wish we could get rid of it. 

I'm coming to terms with it more and more. I've been working hard trying to accept my stutter. Something that I have been never able to do so far. 
I'm trying to care less when I stutter. I'm also trying to just say what I want to say. It's not easy and it's a lot of work. I'm also trying to use the things that I'm learning at therapy so that I will dare to make stutters. 

It's not easy but I know that for me, accepting this and being able to dare to stutter is very important. I still have a long way to go but I'm already happy with the progress I made so far. 

Every stutterer is different but when it comes down to it, I think we all have the same kind of doubts and fears. And it doesn't matter how you work on your stutter or what kind of therapy you do, as long as you are working on it! We should be able to say whatever we want to say. 




Happy november everyone.


Love,

xxx Natasja 

Hello, my name is ...

The first thing people ask you when you meet them is 'what is your name?'.
For a lot us, even saying your name is something very stressfull. 

When I was younger it was easier to answer that question. I don't remember that I ever stuttered on it. Maybe it was because when you are a kid, you don't think about it that much. You don't think about anything. You don't have the kind of stress that comes your way growing up. 

When I met new people, it was mostly in school. 
From middle school to high school, they would always start a new schoolyear the same. 'Let's go around the class and introduce ourselves'. As soon as I heard that sentence I would burst out in sweat. I would count how many people were in front of me, when would it be my turn? How could I start my sentence without stuttering? How would I start saying my name? 

'I am .... Nnnnnatasja' ... that alone would take me about 20 seconds. And then I would still have to talk about where I lived, what I do for hobbies or what I had already studied in the past. It was dreadfull. I just felt everyone looking at me. Everyone looking at eachother trying to figure out if I forgot my name or if I was just stupid. I think that is the worst part. Nobody even thinks about the fact that you could be stutterer. They immediately go for 'omg she forgot her own name'. 

It's like that for a lot of stutterers. On tumblr, I sometimes talk to people who go trough the same thing. 
When I talk to Leen about it, she says it's because of the emotional factor to our own name. We are emotionally connected to it and it causes more stress. 

I remember that I had to go to the doctor for a check up during my summer job. I worked in a kitchen for 6 years and every year we had a check up to make sure we were capable to do the job. Every year we got a letter with all the information. You just needed to hand in the letter at the front desk and it would be alright. One year, I forget the letter and I had to say my name. 
The guy who sat at the desk gave me about 5 seconds before asking me if I forgot my name. I laughed it off and tried to say my name again. He looked at me like I was a freak. He didn't even gave me time to let me finish and just told me to come in. He told me he would look at the dayplanner and figure my name out that way. I felt so bad. I felt like a failure. It feels like you are not proud of yourself, like you are ashamed of yourself because even saying your name causes you to have a fear. 

Until this day, I can not say my own name to a stranger.
If there is one thing that I really want to be able to do, it's to say my own name. 
It's something that has never been easy, it has always caused a lot of stress and I want to work on it. 
Sometimes I even practise in the mirror. That's when I don't have any problems with it, but once I actually talk to a stranger it starts all over again. The stress, the fear. 

It's not easy to put into words how it feels but I hope that by writing this post I gave a good picture of it. 
We don't forget our own name, we just take a little bit longer to pronounce it.


Love,
Natasja 

Ups and downs

When it comes to stuttering, one of the hardest things for me is dealing with the fluctuations in my days. Some days will be very good and others will be bad (atleast in my opinion).
The last two weeks have been with a lot of ups and downs for me. It left me very frustrated due to the fact that sometimes you just don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm a very strict person when it comes to myself and I always want want to do a good job. When I have a bad phonecall or a bad conversation with someone, that will actually keep on playing in my mind over and over again. It doesn't even matter if I did well on other days, that one bad conversation is the only one I will remember. Ofcourse when that happends, you are being sucked in that negative spiral again. And that is something that I absolutely don't want for myself.

To help myself, I sometimes write a couple of situations down on paper. I write what kind of conversation I had, what I was feeling, how my stutters or blockages were (long, short, uncomfortable etc ...). Afterwards I will discuss them with Leen. It helps me get an overall look on my week and how I was feeling that day. 

The last couple of weeks I've been experiencing more ups and downs on a day to day base. I can have great phonecalls, but conversations face to face will be more difficult. And vice versa. I feel like it shifted a lot, all in one day, and it made me feel a little bit more stressed and upset. 

Why where there more ups and downs? Well sometimes there just isn't an explanation for it. Other days it's because you feel more tired, had a stressfull morning or maybe it's because you are sick. Even the slightest bit of stress can cause a down. Or maybe you had an amazing morning and you feel like you can conquer the world. Well hello there fluency, I have missed you.

My changes in blockages and stutters also bring changes in my mood along with them. 
One minute I can be so happy that I had a good conversation with a client, and the other moment I can be down because I had a difficult phonecall. 
I will be very happy at work or at home one minute, and the next I can be quiet and overthinking everything. It's like playing ping pong with your emotions. And after a while it leaves you exhausted. 

I know that this is just a fase that I have to go trough. Every single one of us goes trough something this. Some days are just better than others and some conversations go smoother. 
This is how it is and by dealing with this we keep on evolving.
My talks with Leen always make me realise that. And that is why I am glad I have someone to talk to about this. Someone who knows a lot about stuttering and deals with all kind of stutterers. 

Sometimes I look back and I remember how I was before I started therapy again. There were days where I was scared to even open my mouth. I was scared to talk, scared to order in a restaurant, I was even scared to read out loud. Atleast now I'm trying and working on it. 

These ups and downs will keep on coming and there is nothing I can really do about it. Except handle them.


Love,
Natasja