Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

Let's rewind!

It has been quiet on my blog for a couple of weeks. The reason behind that is the fact that I was going to be alone at the office for about 12 days. I wanted to see how I would deal with that and how my stuttering would be. So I thought it would be better to post after, when everything got back to normal a bit. This way I would have a couple of days to reflect. 

My boss went on vacation for about a week. That meant that I was alone at the office for a couple of days. I've had days where I'm alone, but those are different. Or atleast they feel different. Because during a normal week I know that when I need help, I can always call or text my boss. It's like I always have a back up. This time I was in it all alone.

So how have these days been? I can say one thing, stressfull. Very stressfull. The first 2 days were calm and I handled them very well. But when the third day came around there were doubts that started to sneak their way into my head. Was i really capable of doing this?

More and more phonecalls came in and I was getting a bit stressed out. The main reason of that were troubles with the computer. Long story short, the server crashed. So it was my job to call the IT guy and get it fixed. No problem right? 
I would say no, but our server is our key to every single point of information we have about a client. Adresses, telephone, mail, number of contracts, letters, scanned documents .... Everything is on there. And for about 4 days I could not access that. 
How to make a stressed out cocktail? Just mix doubts with computerproblems and there you go. Enjoy! 

My stuttering was worse during those days. I found that normal. Stress always makes my stuttering get a little harder to deal with. I tried to prepare myself for it but I guess that's something you can not really do. 
I tried to use the tricks I learned during therapy. Making certain letters longer really helped me. 

The hardest part was trying to keep positive. Telling myself that it was just a harder week and that my stuttering would tone down again. It's easy to tell yourself that. It's a little bit harder to believe it. 

Near the end of the week I was completely exhausted. I worked over time almost every single day, wednesday I worked from 8.30 am untill 9 pm. In total I worked 7 hours over time. 
So by friday I felt tired and I started to feel like maybe I didn't have my stuttering under control at all. Was I getting back to my old ways? Was I getting, dare I say it? Negative again? 
I was worried that I would get scared again. Scared to pick up the phone and call someone. 
I refuse to go back to that. 

My stuttering might have been harder on me but I'm glad that I was able to deal with it. 
Talking to Leen that week in therapy also made me realise that it's completely normal to have some harder days again. It happends and there is no shame or harm in it.

It's more important to realise that those days will pass and that everything will get better again as long as you put the work in it and as long as you are positive. 
How we think about something controls our actions. For me that means that when I think negative, I won't be able to make a phonecall anymore. I start to doubt the progress I've made and it's very easy to get back into that negative circle again. One day of this and it can put me back into months of negative doubts.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go down that road. 
My boss was very happy with all the work I did and how I handled everything. And so am I. I think I needed this to show me that I should believe in myself more. 


Love,
Natasja