Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

The letter that changed everything

It all started at the beginning of this year. Something changed. I changed.
I didn't feel good in my own skin anymore. 

There were things happening at work that made me feel like I didn't belong there. It seemed like I wasn't doing a good job and I should just quit while I was ahead. 
There were comments made every single day that always seemed aimed at me.
Because someone at the office had the same problem as me, I felt like I was being compared. And not in the good way.
All I wanted to do was scream out 'I am not the same!'.

A big part of the problem were the phone calls. I tried every single day but it felt like I was getting nowhere. It felt like I was moving backwards instead of forewards. I was doing therapy, why in the world was I moving backwards? Shoudn't this all be getting better? 

I felt like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. The stuttering was getting too much and I got overwelmed. Since I had been working I came in confrontation with this every single day. I work at an insurance firm and this means coming in contact with clients a lot. In person but also on the phone. I do a lot of administration but I also have to call the company's we work with when I need more information about a payment or a certain dossier. When there are problems, I have to find a way to solve them and that means picking up the phone and calling around. I am also the one that answers the phone when people call in. But that phone is the devil to me. And it showed.
People were throwing down the phone because I couldn't get a word out. It felt degrading because they wouldn't even take the time to let me finish.
People were looking at me weird when I couldn't explain something fluently when they were sitting right in from of me..
For me, the worst was that I didn't get a lot of support at my job. I felt like I was alone in this. 

After 2 months of feeling like this I broke down completely. I cried my eyes out leaving work and coming home. I always said I wouldn't work somewhere where I didn't feel accepted. Why work somewhere for 8 hours a day when all you do is feel worthless? I didn't feel like that place was the right place for me anymore. I was mad at everything and at everyone, mostly at myself. I hated myself for being like this. Why couldn't I just get over this? So many people have. I was mentally exhausted because I had try to pull myself out of this funk. 
But I didn't let it show outside of my home. Only my boyfriend and my best friend knew. 
Shout out to them for being the best people I know!

During all of these years of being a stutterer I bottled a lot up. I never wanted to seem ungreatefull for all of the help I got. During school and college the teachers were all amazing, helping me where they could. Especially in college. My french and dutch teacher both helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it without them. During the last oral exams I broke out crying because I couldn't even get out what I wanted to say. I practised to hard, in front of the mirror, in front of my boyfriend ... but nope. During the exams it wouldn't work. 
Both of them told me it was alright and they talked to me about my stuttering.
How can you even complain about that? I was just so happy that they wanted to understand. So complaining was never an option. 

But because all of this felt like a street without an end I knew I had to do something.
So I decided to tell Leen. I told her about the phone calls, about the feelings I had of not being understood ... everything. 
She was great about it and we talked for weeks about this. 

To sum it up, I was in a negative circle.
First I felt nervous because I had to call or talk to people with this stutter. I felt insecure.
Because of this it got harder and harder to do my job. Everytime I had to call someone It just didn't go well because of the negative thoughts I already put in my head. Because of this I got even more nervous to try it again. And this got me nervous when I had to speak. And so on. 
It was a circle that I needed to get out of. 

In may I was leaving for a holiday of 2 weeks, 11 days were going to be spend in Turkey. 
You have no idea how much I was looking forward this. I think people were actually getting tired of me saying 'oh only ... days until I leave for Turkey'. I had the countdown calender and everything. I needed to get out of that office so bad. Since January I had been working every day with these negative thoughts spooking around in my head. I'd been feeling mentally exhausted since the last year of college (I talked about this in my first post), but when this was added to it, I couldn't control my feelings anymore.

We saw the perfect opportunity to tell my boss everything. I had to tell him how I felt because I needed his help. I needed him to help me with these phone calls and I needed him to understand what it has been like. But most of all I didn't want to be compared anymore.
In those 2 weeks both him and I would also have the chance to reflect. 
Because it wouldn't be easy to tell him in person (I'm a cry baby so I wouldn't be able to tell him without shedding tears the size of a river), we decided to tell him trough a letter. 

3 weeks before I left for Turkey I wrote the letter. Terrified of giving it to him, me and Leen went over it a couple of times. Analyzing what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.
I was scared that he was going to thing that I was overreacting. But at the same time I felt like I had a right to say what I feel. 

On may 19th I put the letter in the mailbox when I left the office, hoping that this would change something.

I'm so glad to tell you that it did.
Me and my boss talked about it when I came back. He told me how he felt and how it was hard for him to understand why I felt so bad.  
At first I thought that it wouldn't change anything because of this comment.
But little by little the situation got better because I actually felt like I could speak to him about this. 
The pressure of making these phone calls isn't there anymore. Now I do this on my own time and when it doesn't seem to work, I know that I can always ask for help. He also calms me down or give me tips.
 
My job is really stressfull. Not only because of my stutter. But now I can finally say that I like my job again.
I'm happy that if something is wrong I don't have to feel ashamed anymore to talk about it. 
The subject of stuttering is out in the open and it feels great. 

If you ever go trough the same thing, please stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself feel bad because of other people. You can do anything. Even if it takes up a little bit more time. Never apologize for having a stutter or any other problem. That would be the same as apologizing for being a brunette, a blonde or a redhead. It's a part of you and it makes you who you are.



Have a good weekend!
X
Natasja 

ps. Sorry for the long post ;)