Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

Hello, my name is ...

The first thing people ask you when you meet them is 'what is your name?'.
For a lot us, even saying your name is something very stressfull. 

When I was younger it was easier to answer that question. I don't remember that I ever stuttered on it. Maybe it was because when you are a kid, you don't think about it that much. You don't think about anything. You don't have the kind of stress that comes your way growing up. 

When I met new people, it was mostly in school. 
From middle school to high school, they would always start a new schoolyear the same. 'Let's go around the class and introduce ourselves'. As soon as I heard that sentence I would burst out in sweat. I would count how many people were in front of me, when would it be my turn? How could I start my sentence without stuttering? How would I start saying my name? 

'I am .... Nnnnnatasja' ... that alone would take me about 20 seconds. And then I would still have to talk about where I lived, what I do for hobbies or what I had already studied in the past. It was dreadfull. I just felt everyone looking at me. Everyone looking at eachother trying to figure out if I forgot my name or if I was just stupid. I think that is the worst part. Nobody even thinks about the fact that you could be stutterer. They immediately go for 'omg she forgot her own name'. 

It's like that for a lot of stutterers. On tumblr, I sometimes talk to people who go trough the same thing. 
When I talk to Leen about it, she says it's because of the emotional factor to our own name. We are emotionally connected to it and it causes more stress. 

I remember that I had to go to the doctor for a check up during my summer job. I worked in a kitchen for 6 years and every year we had a check up to make sure we were capable to do the job. Every year we got a letter with all the information. You just needed to hand in the letter at the front desk and it would be alright. One year, I forget the letter and I had to say my name. 
The guy who sat at the desk gave me about 5 seconds before asking me if I forgot my name. I laughed it off and tried to say my name again. He looked at me like I was a freak. He didn't even gave me time to let me finish and just told me to come in. He told me he would look at the dayplanner and figure my name out that way. I felt so bad. I felt like a failure. It feels like you are not proud of yourself, like you are ashamed of yourself because even saying your name causes you to have a fear. 

Until this day, I can not say my own name to a stranger.
If there is one thing that I really want to be able to do, it's to say my own name. 
It's something that has never been easy, it has always caused a lot of stress and I want to work on it. 
Sometimes I even practise in the mirror. That's when I don't have any problems with it, but once I actually talk to a stranger it starts all over again. The stress, the fear. 

It's not easy to put into words how it feels but I hope that by writing this post I gave a good picture of it. 
We don't forget our own name, we just take a little bit longer to pronounce it.


Love,
Natasja