Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

Something positive

For this post I just wanted to share a positive experience I've had this week. 

I've been working really hard on how I feel towards my stuttering. I've come a long way. 
A year ago I hated who I was, I hated that I wasn't like everyone else. I felt like I could never be good enough because of my stutter. It controlled my life at that point. I would stop talking, avoid certain conversations or situations ... I didn't feel at ease and I felt like I couldn't control it, like I couldn't control myself. 

That was a year ago. I'm happy to say that those feelings have faided and made place for more positive thoughts. 

This has shown a lot in my self esteem at work. For the last couple of weeks I've been making a lot of progress with it comes to the telephone. So much that even my boss noticed.

This tuesday I had to call the insurance company to get them to accept a customer again. Not an easy task. Especially not when they have been thrown out. I kept really calm and tried to explain everything. I actually dared to ask questions. I dared to express my opinion. I wasn't afraid to talk. And it was the first time in a long time I did all of it while my boss could listen to every single word I said. 

While I was talking he came by and gave me a thumbs up. I couldn't be happier. When I finished he told me that he was very impressed. I can not even put into words how amazing that felt. He said he notices that I feel better in my own skin and that I'm getting more secure with everything I do. 
I've been putting a lot of work into my stuttering. Not only in my speaking but also in how I mentally feel about it. I've said it a lot but stuttering is not only a 'speaking problem', mentally it's very hard. 

Having my boss, someone who sees my every single day, say that he is impressed really took me by heart. He's not the easiest person to impress haha. 

I was even able to say my name 2 times this week to someone in person. Without having a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. I can not tell you how long it has been since I was able to do that. 
Or the fact that I can introduce the company while I'm the one calling someone ... It took me so long to get that but so far it's going great. 

When it comes to stuttering I always see negative experiences being put out. But I really want to keep the postive vibe up. And yes that is coming from the same girl that would cry her eyes out when she made a blockage.

I try to keep the positive experiences in mind. Have I had blockages did week? Yes I did. Did I mind? No I didn't. I managed them as good as I could.


Sometimes it's not about getting rid of the stutter. It's about learning how to live with it and speak with it. 
It's hard and a lot of work but the positive experiences make it all worth it. 

I know that this post is probably all over the place but I just want to show everyone that we should never give up. We can do a lot more than we think. Sometimes it's just all about stepping out of your comfort zone.

Much love,
Natasja 
xx

Have a great weekend!

In great company

Hello everyone!

The first 2 weeks of january have almost passed and the first snow has fallen in Belgium.
I never would have thought that we would see snow this year but here we go.

Time for another post on my blog.
I wanted to write last week but seeing as I was sick with a very bad cold I decided to wait until I got better.

For this post I wanted to emphasize the fact that stutterers are not alone. We look up to celebrity's and people who have made a name for themselves. Atleast I do. And sometimes it feels like they have everything going for them. When you discover that they are just normal people like us, it feels like a new world opens up.
We are not the only ones struggling with stuttering. There are a lot of celebrity's who went through the same thing as a lot us did.


James Earl Jones

We all know James Earl Jones. He is the voice of darth vader and Mufasa in the lion king. He is a brilliant actor with a voice that everybody knows so well.
James was also a stutterer. But he wasn't born with it like many of us.
It was actually by imitating his cousin Randy, who did have a stutter, that he started stuttering himself.
Because of this there was a time when he didn't speak to anyone. He chose to stay silent.
With the help of a teacher he slowly overcame it and started to study drama at university, by this time he had a grip on his stutter.
Years have gone by and in all of them he only stuttered once on stage.

I think this shows that if you really want to, you can make your weakness your greatest strenght.



Marylin Monroe

When you mention Marylin Monroe to me, I always think about her voice. She had this very breathy voice that sounded really sexy.
What a lot of people don't know is that this voice was a result of her stuttering as a child.

Marylin stuttered very heavily during her childhood, a speech therapist taught her how to use her breathing to help her speech. And that is where her famous voice comes from.

To this day, Marylin Monroe is still considered to be one of the most sexy woman in this world. Sometimes having a stutter can make you feel like an outcast. But this woman didn't let it bother her at all. Just for that she is someone to look up to.


Samuel L. Jackson

Another great man and another great actor.
Samuel L Jackson has been a stutterer since his childhood.
Until this day he still struggles with it, but he has found a great help ...

"I was the other day on the set of Captain America, and they said 'Action!" and I said, 'G-g-g-et ...' It was a G day. So I have my days. I have G days, I have P days, I have B days, I have S days, and I'm still stuttering. But I figured out a way to do it. And some days, the best thing for me to do is say my favorite word, and I get through it: 'Motherfucker!'"

Appearantly, saying the word 'Motherfucker' helps him talk trough his stutters.
Why? because the word itself has a lot of anger in it. It relieves a lot of that build up anger or stress that so many stutterers deal with. By saying that word the situation itself can become more amusing.

Maybe not the best help for someone that works in the insurance sector but I think that it really suits Samuel L Jackson haha.


Emily Blunt

We all know her as the snotty assistant from the devil wears prada but in real life she is also a stutterer. By looking at her acting skills you would never have guessed that she was also a really heavy stutterer.

While growing up, she had a stutter so bad that she couldn't even hold a conversation.
Like most of us, she had a lot to say but just couldn't get it out.

With the help of a speech therapist and a school play where she could distance her from herself, she started to see that she could speak fluently.



I can go on and on with my list. Let's not forget Julia Roberts, Rowan Atkinson, King george, Winston Churchill, Chris Martin, Elvis Presley, Isaac Newton and Charles Darwin.

What I'm trying to show with this is that all of these people had a stutter. Maybe not all of their lives but they did struggle with it for a long time. They have all become succesfull. They have become oscar winners, golden globe winners, scientists, the most famous people of this world are on this list.

So why be ashamed? Why be ashamed of something that happends to the best of us? Why just say 'being a stutterer is all I am' when it's clear that we can become so much more?

Stuttering isn't in our lives to make us less than anyone else. It's there to make us better! To challenge ourselves every day and to do things that we were once afraid of.
Don't let this or the reactions of others tear you down. All of these people never did that.
They kept on going and worked hard to achieve their goals and dreams.

We can become anything we want to be. It might take a lot of hard work but let's face it. Nobody has died from working hard in their lives.

I hope this post can make you realise that this stuttering can lift you up and build you up to be an amazing person. You are more than a stutterer. You are fighter and a survivor.
But most of all, you are who you are and you can become whatever you want to be.
Never ever forget that.



Much love,
Natasja

1 year of therapy !!!

This week it has been 1 year since I started therapy again. I have to say, I'm so glad I made the decision to go back. 

Some people believe that therapy is a waste of money, or they say that it doesn't help. 
For me it has been a big help. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. 
During this year we worked on a lot of things and in this post I want to go over it a couple with you. 

My first big problem was my self esteem. Well, the lack of it. My stuttering made sure that I was always doubting myself. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Things like ordering something in a restaurant or even going to a store were really stressfull for me. I just knew that I would make a fool out of myself. Stuttering really gets into your mind and produces negative thoughts. You sometimes don't realise that all of the things you are so afraid of, might not be so scary. You get stuck int his negative circle and it's really hard to get out of.

Thanks to therapy I'm feeling much better. My thoughts are more positive and I just feel a lot better. Bad days don't have so much influence on me anymore. I'm not saying that I never have negative thoughts (I'm only human) but overall they are less frequent and less bad. I try to be as positive as I can and I try to get myself to do scary things like ordering by myself in a store or picking up the phone and calling clients/company's without making excuses. 

I was also very scared to let people notice that I stutter. I always pictured their reactions, them looking at me funny, rolling their eyes, telling me to talk faster ... 
I was ashamed. My goal was to be able to make stutters without feeling that shame. I wanted to make stutters without have stress about what people would think. 

In therapy we watched a lot of video's of other people stuttering. It made me realise that my stuttering wasn't bad and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Nobody should. People react more positive to it than you would actually think. Now I feel like I can make a stutter and I can say 'whatever, I made a stutter, it's a part of me'. I think this is also a result of my self esteem growing. I don't want to hide it anymore. And I can not tell you how good that feels.

Another big thing to work on was  the tension I had when I made stutters. Because of the fact that I was scared to make stutters, I would build up a lot of stress. See, there are different kind of stutters. You have stutters with a lot of tension where you can feel it in your neck/shoulders/cheeck/face, you have stutters that have a small amound of tension where you can feel it but you don't feel like you have to push your words out and there are stutters with almost no tension where you feel like you can go in the stutter with a certain amound of relaxation in your voice and body. My stutters where the kind where after a day of work I would come home with so much tention in my body, I could sometimes barely even move my neck because of the stress I had build up on my muscles. 
Have I told you that stuttering is more than just not being able to talk fluently? 

Thanks to Leen I found some methods where I'm able to talk with a relaxing feeling. I said it before but making extentions like 'NNNatasja' or making repetitions like 'Na-Na-Natasja' really releaves my stress. 
I can go into my stutters without any type of stress. I can not tell you how could it feels. 
It was never my goal to get rid of my stutters, it was my goal to be able to talk fluently even with stutters. Thanks to these 2 small methods I'm able to do that. 

Last but not least, my reading. God that was just so bad. I couldn't even read one sentence without having 4 or 5 blockages that lasted about 20 seconds, sometimes even more. I had so much trouble with reading, it took me 4 minutes to read 4 sentences. You think I'm kidding? I can actually show you the evidence because Leen filmed it during my first session. I hated reading out loud. I hated it so bad and every time I had to do it I could just picture myself blocking on every word.

Tuesday I read the same text again that I read during my first session. It took me 4 minutes to read 4 sentences then, now it took me a little above a minute to read 4 alinea's of 4 to 6 sentences. I can not tell you how could it felt to accomplish that. By using extentions and repetitions I am able to read a text more fluently. The hardest part is always the first sentence. Once I'm past that I read fluently, like a normal person. I'm so happy that I accomplished that. I practise my reading a lot and now I actually enjoy it. 

Ofcourse we worked on a lot more but these are the 4 biggest things that, in my opinion, needed work. Leen has really helped me this year. I'm so greatfull for that. 
Nobody should tell you what to do or what not to do but in my opinion, therapy is worth giving a try. It can really help you deal with your stutter. 

I know this was a long post but I just wanted to share this with you because a part of my is a little bit proud of what I accomplished this year and the progress I made so far. And I think I have a right to be. I still have a lot of work to do (trust me) but accepting my stutter is something that I've never been able to do. It feels pretty amazing.

Last but not least.
HO HO HO merry Christmas everyone.
I hope all of you have a great Christmaseve and great Christmasday tomorrow.
Spend it with the people you love and make it a great one. 
I love you guys, thank you for all the support after my previous post. It really is appreciated. You guys are amazing. 

Much Love,
Natasja xxx