Something positive

For this post I just wanted to share a positive experience I've had this week. 

I've been working really hard on how I feel towards my stuttering. I've come a long way. 
A year ago I hated who I was, I hated that I wasn't like everyone else. I felt like I could never be good enough because of my stutter. It controlled my life at that point. I would stop talking, avoid certain conversations or situations ... I didn't feel at ease and I felt like I couldn't control it, like I couldn't control myself. 

That was a year ago. I'm happy to say that those feelings have faided and made place for more positive thoughts. 

This has shown a lot in my self esteem at work. For the last couple of weeks I've been making a lot of progress with it comes to the telephone. So much that even my boss noticed.

This tuesday I had to call the insurance company to get them to accept a customer again. Not an easy task. Especially not when they have been thrown out. I kept really calm and tried to explain everything. I actually dared to ask questions. I dared to express my opinion. I wasn't afraid to talk. And it was the first time in a long time I did all of it while my boss could listen to every single word I said. 

While I was talking he came by and gave me a thumbs up. I couldn't be happier. When I finished he told me that he was very impressed. I can not even put into words how amazing that felt. He said he notices that I feel better in my own skin and that I'm getting more secure with everything I do. 
I've been putting a lot of work into my stuttering. Not only in my speaking but also in how I mentally feel about it. I've said it a lot but stuttering is not only a 'speaking problem', mentally it's very hard. 

Having my boss, someone who sees my every single day, say that he is impressed really took me by heart. He's not the easiest person to impress haha. 

I was even able to say my name 2 times this week to someone in person. Without having a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. I can not tell you how long it has been since I was able to do that. 
Or the fact that I can introduce the company while I'm the one calling someone ... It took me so long to get that but so far it's going great. 

When it comes to stuttering I always see negative experiences being put out. But I really want to keep the postive vibe up. And yes that is coming from the same girl that would cry her eyes out when she made a blockage.

I try to keep the positive experiences in mind. Have I had blockages did week? Yes I did. Did I mind? No I didn't. I managed them as good as I could.


Sometimes it's not about getting rid of the stutter. It's about learning how to live with it and speak with it. 
It's hard and a lot of work but the positive experiences make it all worth it. 

I know that this post is probably all over the place but I just want to show everyone that we should never give up. We can do a lot more than we think. Sometimes it's just all about stepping out of your comfort zone.

Much love,
Natasja 
xx

Have a great weekend!

How has my week been?

Have you ever had one of those days were you feel like everything and everyone is against you? Wel,l I had a whole week of this. 

When I have a day like that, it reflects on my stutter to the point where it still bothers me the next day. And now it lasted a whole week? Oh good lord.

From the beginning of the week I noticed that I wasn't as fluent as normal. Mondays tend to be my best days because I'm less tired than on a friday. 
From the moment I stepped in the office I just had a bad feeling about it all. When I had to explain something to my boss I got blocked. I don't even know why. 

When I had to pick up the phone it was like talking fluently was the hardest thing ever. It just wouldn't work. Especially not when your boss is watching you like a hawk.
It was like I was that scared little girl again from a year ago. Strangest feeling ever.

The next couple of days were the same. Some were better than others, they weren't all a total disaster. Monday and Tuesday were definately the hardest out of the whole week. Don't ask me why. I really can't find an explanation for it.
Ofcourse it doesn't help when your boss says 'I notice that your stuttering is worse, are you nervous?' ... 

Are you nervous? I hate it when they ask me that. That's the moment where I put on my bitch face. I think people can see my eyes rolling from across the room. No, I can stutter without even having the smallest bit of nerves inside of me, thank you very much. People need to learn that stuttering has other origins than just being nervous. It's not always related to eachother.

It's just so frustrating isn't it? Not even knowing why your stutter is worse on a certain moment or day? You feel like you have everything under control and then BAM. Even the easiest of words become hard. You can compare it with feeling sad all of the sudden. You are sad but you don't have any clue why. 

When it keeps happening, the entire day, every phonecall and every conversation become a real burden. And after 3 or 4 you become insecure. When you become insecure you begin to doubt yourself. And when that happends you just get more worried for the next phonecall or conversation. It's a circle and it has no end. Only you can break it. 

I came to a point where I was really done with it this week. I just couldn't figure it out anymore. I tried to be calm, to breath, to repeat a part of the word or to make the first letter longer. None of it seem to help anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hopeless. Is this going to go on forever? Why can't I seem to get this under control? Why can't I pick up the phone and say my name? Why can't I talk fluently? Why can't I be like everyone else? 
All of these questions just go through your mind every day, it kills that you can't have any answers to it. 

So this week was a hard one. And I'm hoping that next week is going to be better. I'm just trying to move on from it in the best way that I can.
I think this post proves again how having a stutter can play with your mind and your emotions. Even if you don't want it to.



Love,
Natasja 

Page 365 out of 365

Hi lovies, 

Can you believe it's already the last day of 2015? Gosh I can't believe how fast time flies by.
2015 was a great year for me. On so many levels. It was also a very difficult year. Let's take a quick look at my 2015 and let's see what I wish all of you in the new year. 

The first couple of months of 2015 have been very though. As I wrote down in my post called 'the letter that changed everything' I was struggling a lot with who I was and the place that stuttering had in my life. I didn't feel like I belong at my workplace or in this world. I felt like I was stuck in a negative circle and I wouldn't be able to get out of it. I had to fight. Fight against negative voices in my head but also against comments that others made to me. 

In may of 2015 I decided to take action and fight against my fears at my workplace. Still one of the best decisions I made this year (other than starting this blog ofcourse haha). 

In may I also went on my first vacation in 5 years. Yay for travelling by plane. Can I just say that I love flying? I love planes. Is it weird that I find them cute? ... Oke that's not the point of all this. Marmaris was beautiful and I'm so thankfull that I got the chance to go there. Finally, after 5 months of stressing about everything, I got the chance to relax. For once those voices in my head saying I wasn't good enough were completely silent. Marmaris was the perfect opportunity to think about what I wanted to achieve with my stuttering; Did I just want to undergo it? Or did I want to do more with it? Did I want to keep this to myself or share it with others who might be able to get help from it? The idea of starting a blog had been in my head for a long time, but on vacation I really had the chance to think about it more. Would people really read something like that?

In June everything at work got better. I felt like I was getting back to my old self. I was able to sleep better, eat better and let go of my worries (well not all of them ofcourse). 

Months went by and around the time of July I wrote my first post called 'Let's go back to the beginning'. I remember being really excited but scared at the same time. I was throwing something very personal on to the world wide web. Would this really be something that could make a difference for someone?

In august I was able to visit Munich. My boyfriend is there a lot for his job and finally, it was time for me to see the city with him. 6 days I enjoyed the sun, Munich, the German food (wow is all I can say) and the culture.I loved it. 

From July untill now I got nothing but postive reactions on my blog. Words can not discribe how much that means to me. I love writing. But I love it even more now because I know that I help others. Other stutterers have told me that they feel understood, they finally don't feel alone anymore. That is why I do this. 

So in conclusion, 2015 was a great year. It thought me a lot of lessons. I said goodbye to some people in my life who clearly didn't want to be in it. I had to say goodbye to my dog Max, who passed away at 16. I really got to know myself this year. Thanks to my parents, boyfriend, family in law and Leen (my speech therapist) I feel much stronger now than at the beginning of the year. I'm proud of what I did in 2015 and I want to keep this positive vibe up in 2016. 

But to be honest, I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for all of you. This might be cheesy but this comes from my heart. You guys are the reason that I feel like I can make a difference for others stutterers. Thank you for sticking by me in these 6 months. I really hope that we can carry this on into the new year.

What I wish for you in 2016? I hope you find everything that you are looking for. I wish you guys all of the love and friendship you are able to carry. I wish you guys a lot of luck with everything you do. I wish that you would love yourself a little more and not let your stuttering get you down. But most of all, I wish that you find yourself in this crazy world. And I hope that you know that I'm always here for you. 

Let's end 2015 with a bang and start 2016 with postive vibes. 

Have a great new years everyone. I hope you can spend it with the people you love. 

Love,
Natasja 
<3