They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same ...

I've never been one to put personal matters on facebook or on instagram. I have never put something on my facebook/instagram about my stuttering because I was always afraid of reactions. And I was ashamed. Imagine everyone you know, knowing about your stuttering. It always gave me shivers. Good friends knew, but it's not something you tell everyone. 

Biggest part why I never mentioned it was because it was something I couldn't accept. 
I can imagine that a lot of you are also going through the same thing.

Ever since I have this blog I feel more secure talking about my stutter. Even when I talk to Leen about it, I don't feel so hold back anymore. 

So, for the first time, I posted something on my instagram about stuttering. And I thought that I would share it with you guys. 
I think every one of us should be proud of who we are. No we're not like everyone else but we don't have to be. We are who we are and that's nothing to be ashamed off. 

So keep this quote in mind, every single day. We are doing great! 

I've been a stutterer since I've had the ability to speak. For years I was ashamed. For years I've been hard on myself, nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to make my stutter less important by always trying to be better than everyone else. I never once thougth I was good enough. I was a hard worker, with a reason. Because that was actually something I could control. Mentally, stuttering is very heavy. It's like you are fighting a constant war inside your head. 'Why can't I say my own name?' 'If I order that, will I be able to actually pronounce the word?'. Every word that comes out your mouth is twisted, turned and thougth about carefully ... I've been living with this for 24 years and I have finally accepted it and come to terms with who I am. I might not be normal, but who cares? I am who I am. I'm working hard in therapy every single week and for the first time in 24 years, I am actually proud of myself. This post is for everyone who is ever ashamed of who they are. You are great and you should never let your own thoughts hold you back. Keep on being amazing ☺️💐

Love,

Natasja 

xx

How has my week been?

Have you ever had one of those days were you feel like everything and everyone is against you? Wel,l I had a whole week of this. 

When I have a day like that, it reflects on my stutter to the point where it still bothers me the next day. And now it lasted a whole week? Oh good lord.

From the beginning of the week I noticed that I wasn't as fluent as normal. Mondays tend to be my best days because I'm less tired than on a friday. 
From the moment I stepped in the office I just had a bad feeling about it all. When I had to explain something to my boss I got blocked. I don't even know why. 

When I had to pick up the phone it was like talking fluently was the hardest thing ever. It just wouldn't work. Especially not when your boss is watching you like a hawk.
It was like I was that scared little girl again from a year ago. Strangest feeling ever.

The next couple of days were the same. Some were better than others, they weren't all a total disaster. Monday and Tuesday were definately the hardest out of the whole week. Don't ask me why. I really can't find an explanation for it.
Ofcourse it doesn't help when your boss says 'I notice that your stuttering is worse, are you nervous?' ... 

Are you nervous? I hate it when they ask me that. That's the moment where I put on my bitch face. I think people can see my eyes rolling from across the room. No, I can stutter without even having the smallest bit of nerves inside of me, thank you very much. People need to learn that stuttering has other origins than just being nervous. It's not always related to eachother.

It's just so frustrating isn't it? Not even knowing why your stutter is worse on a certain moment or day? You feel like you have everything under control and then BAM. Even the easiest of words become hard. You can compare it with feeling sad all of the sudden. You are sad but you don't have any clue why. 

When it keeps happening, the entire day, every phonecall and every conversation become a real burden. And after 3 or 4 you become insecure. When you become insecure you begin to doubt yourself. And when that happends you just get more worried for the next phonecall or conversation. It's a circle and it has no end. Only you can break it. 

I came to a point where I was really done with it this week. I just couldn't figure it out anymore. I tried to be calm, to breath, to repeat a part of the word or to make the first letter longer. None of it seem to help anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hopeless. Is this going to go on forever? Why can't I seem to get this under control? Why can't I pick up the phone and say my name? Why can't I talk fluently? Why can't I be like everyone else? 
All of these questions just go through your mind every day, it kills that you can't have any answers to it. 

So this week was a hard one. And I'm hoping that next week is going to be better. I'm just trying to move on from it in the best way that I can.
I think this post proves again how having a stutter can play with your mind and your emotions. Even if you don't want it to.



Love,
Natasja 

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out

I found this drawing on Tumblr and I really wanted to use it for my blog.
I think it's describes what has been said to me over the years just perfectly.
I wanted to thank the amazing and talented intertwinedheartss on tumblr (www.intertwinedheartss.tumblr.com) for letting me use her artwork.

I think all of us who stutter can relate to this drawing so much. All of those words have been said to us, and they hurt. They make you feel so bad about yourself. Even if some of them aren't used to harm you but to help you.

I'm going to talk a bit about some of these comments. 
Have one of those things ever been said to you? How did you feel about it? Please let me know, I would love to get to know you better.

 - Relax
Something that has been said to me too many times. Saying 'relax' has never helped me and it never will. It's not a magic word. It won't get me relaxed. It will make me feel nervous because I feel like I need to be relaxed for you. 

- I don't have all day / Come on already
Luckily, nobody has every said this to me. I think saying something like that to someone who stutters, or to anybody for that matter, is just plain rude. You will listen to what we have to say, even if it takes us a whole day. Everybody has the right to be heard. 
Patience is the key with people who stutter. Don't rush us. Make us feel comfortable, that is the only way to take away the stress of speaking.

- I've seen worse
Oh have you? Well let me talk fluently now because obviously I am not the worst thing you have seen. That makes me feel great about myself and my stutter. Nope.

- Did I stutter?
I HATE people who use the word 'stutter' as something that they just trow in a sentence.
The fact is that everybody sometimes stutters. People on tv, on the radio, they all do it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. There is no need to use it in an argument as a way to make someone feel bad about not understanding you. 
As you can see, the title of my blog is 'Did I stutter?'. I choose this because I'm tired of people using this as a joke. For once, I wanted to see it being used in the right way. Did I stutter? Well yes I did. And there is no reason to hide it. 

- I know how you feel 
Unless you stutter yourself, you don't know how I feel. There is no discussing that. 
It's the same as saying 'I know how you feel' to someone who is very sick when you have never been sick. 
Do you know how it feels to be an outcast? Do you know how it feels to be scared to go somewhere where you have to speak? Do you know how it feels to feel your heart racing like crazy every time the phone rings? Do you know how it feels to be so frustrated with yourself that you never want to speak again? Do you know how it feels to not be able to say your own name? Or the name of the ones you love? 

- Did you forget your name or something?
I think out of all the comments, this is the one that gets to me the most.
I hate not being able to say my name. 
Your name is something really emotional and that is exactly the reason why most people stutter on it.
When people say 'Did you forget your name or something' it makes me feel so bad about myself. I can't even describe the feeling. It just makes me feel helpless.

- Breathe
My boss says this to me a lot. When I'm on the phone to him and I can't say what I need to say, he always tells me to breathe in and out. 
Obviously I know that I need to breathe in and out, I don't need anyone to tell me that. 
I appreciate that he tries to keep me calm and wants to help but to be honest, it never really helps me. I tell myself to breathe in and out every single moment of the day. It just doesn't work. 

- It's not that bad
Well to you it might not seem bad, but for me it feels like it is.
If you have had this for many years and you don't see it going away, it doesn't really help your confidence. 
For me it's bad because I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of having this. 
People might say this to make you feel better but let's face it, it doens't help you much when you already feel like shit on the inside.


To everybody that has ever tried to make me feel comfortable and took the time to listen to me... Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. Thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for letting me be myself.

I really hope that all of you guys who are reading this have friends and family that let them be themselves. If you ever need to talk about your stutter (or anything else), please message me. You can find me on twitter, on tumblr and you can find my e-mail on my blog. I'm always here to help.