Hello, my name is ...

The first thing people ask you when you meet them is 'what is your name?'.
For a lot us, even saying your name is something very stressfull. 

When I was younger it was easier to answer that question. I don't remember that I ever stuttered on it. Maybe it was because when you are a kid, you don't think about it that much. You don't think about anything. You don't have the kind of stress that comes your way growing up. 

When I met new people, it was mostly in school. 
From middle school to high school, they would always start a new schoolyear the same. 'Let's go around the class and introduce ourselves'. As soon as I heard that sentence I would burst out in sweat. I would count how many people were in front of me, when would it be my turn? How could I start my sentence without stuttering? How would I start saying my name? 

'I am .... Nnnnnatasja' ... that alone would take me about 20 seconds. And then I would still have to talk about where I lived, what I do for hobbies or what I had already studied in the past. It was dreadfull. I just felt everyone looking at me. Everyone looking at eachother trying to figure out if I forgot my name or if I was just stupid. I think that is the worst part. Nobody even thinks about the fact that you could be stutterer. They immediately go for 'omg she forgot her own name'. 

It's like that for a lot of stutterers. On tumblr, I sometimes talk to people who go trough the same thing. 
When I talk to Leen about it, she says it's because of the emotional factor to our own name. We are emotionally connected to it and it causes more stress. 

I remember that I had to go to the doctor for a check up during my summer job. I worked in a kitchen for 6 years and every year we had a check up to make sure we were capable to do the job. Every year we got a letter with all the information. You just needed to hand in the letter at the front desk and it would be alright. One year, I forget the letter and I had to say my name. 
The guy who sat at the desk gave me about 5 seconds before asking me if I forgot my name. I laughed it off and tried to say my name again. He looked at me like I was a freak. He didn't even gave me time to let me finish and just told me to come in. He told me he would look at the dayplanner and figure my name out that way. I felt so bad. I felt like a failure. It feels like you are not proud of yourself, like you are ashamed of yourself because even saying your name causes you to have a fear. 

Until this day, I can not say my own name to a stranger.
If there is one thing that I really want to be able to do, it's to say my own name. 
It's something that has never been easy, it has always caused a lot of stress and I want to work on it. 
Sometimes I even practise in the mirror. That's when I don't have any problems with it, but once I actually talk to a stranger it starts all over again. The stress, the fear. 

It's not easy to put into words how it feels but I hope that by writing this post I gave a good picture of it. 
We don't forget our own name, we just take a little bit longer to pronounce it.


Love,
Natasja 

Ups and downs

When it comes to stuttering, one of the hardest things for me is dealing with the fluctuations in my days. Some days will be very good and others will be bad (atleast in my opinion).
The last two weeks have been with a lot of ups and downs for me. It left me very frustrated due to the fact that sometimes you just don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm a very strict person when it comes to myself and I always want want to do a good job. When I have a bad phonecall or a bad conversation with someone, that will actually keep on playing in my mind over and over again. It doesn't even matter if I did well on other days, that one bad conversation is the only one I will remember. Ofcourse when that happends, you are being sucked in that negative spiral again. And that is something that I absolutely don't want for myself.

To help myself, I sometimes write a couple of situations down on paper. I write what kind of conversation I had, what I was feeling, how my stutters or blockages were (long, short, uncomfortable etc ...). Afterwards I will discuss them with Leen. It helps me get an overall look on my week and how I was feeling that day. 

The last couple of weeks I've been experiencing more ups and downs on a day to day base. I can have great phonecalls, but conversations face to face will be more difficult. And vice versa. I feel like it shifted a lot, all in one day, and it made me feel a little bit more stressed and upset. 

Why where there more ups and downs? Well sometimes there just isn't an explanation for it. Other days it's because you feel more tired, had a stressfull morning or maybe it's because you are sick. Even the slightest bit of stress can cause a down. Or maybe you had an amazing morning and you feel like you can conquer the world. Well hello there fluency, I have missed you.

My changes in blockages and stutters also bring changes in my mood along with them. 
One minute I can be so happy that I had a good conversation with a client, and the other moment I can be down because I had a difficult phonecall. 
I will be very happy at work or at home one minute, and the next I can be quiet and overthinking everything. It's like playing ping pong with your emotions. And after a while it leaves you exhausted. 

I know that this is just a fase that I have to go trough. Every single one of us goes trough something this. Some days are just better than others and some conversations go smoother. 
This is how it is and by dealing with this we keep on evolving.
My talks with Leen always make me realise that. And that is why I am glad I have someone to talk to about this. Someone who knows a lot about stuttering and deals with all kind of stutterers. 

Sometimes I look back and I remember how I was before I started therapy again. There were days where I was scared to even open my mouth. I was scared to talk, scared to order in a restaurant, I was even scared to read out loud. Atleast now I'm trying and working on it. 

These ups and downs will keep on coming and there is nothing I can really do about it. Except handle them.


Love,
Natasja 

Stop telephoning me ...

The phone. Or should I say, one of the biggest causes of my stresslevels.

Until I started my job, I never choose to call someone instead of text someone. Texting was my safetynet. Now, I don't have a choice anymore. I either pick up that phone, or problems don't get solved and clients will find another insurance agent. 

When I first started my job, I just avoided the phone. The picking up part was already too difficult for me to do. Just hearing it ring made my heart go insane. 
And when I had the strenght to actually pick it up, I couldn't bring out a single word. 

Slowly it started to get a little easier to pick the phone and actually get a word out. 
After a couple of months (Yes I know that's a long time but Rome wasn't build in a day either haha) I could actually say 'Zakenkantoor Johan Droogmans, how may I help you?' without any blockage or stutter. That itself was already a big win for me. I guess it's true what they say, the more you practise and actually do it ... the better it gets. 

Ofcourse I don't only have to pick up the phone, I have to make phonecalls as well.
If you think that picking up the phone is already difficult for me, then you have seen nothing yet. 

Making a phonecall to a company we work with (AG insurace, AXA, P&V insurances, DKV healthinsurance ...) or to a costumor is very stressfull for me. Because now I'm the one that has to do explain everything and ask the questions. 

The worst phonecall until now was where I just couldn't explain anything anymore. I just completely shut down. I could only hear 'Hello Hello?' coming from the other end of the line. I just wanted to scream out 'I'm sorry but I having a blockage, i'm so sorry'. There were so many thoughts going around in my head that I couldn't even try to stay calm. Out of frustration I just put the phone down. I didn't want to try anymore. I guess we all have those days sometimes. At one point you just get sick of trying. The thing I do when I get very upset? Cry. I will actually go to the toilet, cry a bit, calm myself down and get back at it and try it again. And it might sound very silly that I cry but for me that is a sign that I care and that I want to do my job well. If I didn't care, I wouldn't put time into worrying about it.

You know what's funny? Every time that I need to call a customer, I hope that I get voicemail. Because when I get a voicemail, I can fluently say what I need to say. No stutters, no blockages and most of all, no worries. Isn't that weird? I find it weird sometimes. 
How come that I can talk fluently when I'm alone (yes I talk to myself sometimes) or when I talk to the voicemail, but from the moment I know that someone is listening I just shut down.
I don't know why I get so worked up about it. Having stress is not helping me. Sometimes I find myself so silly for stressing out so much. I know can explain the problem or the situation, the only thing that is holding me back is the stress. 
But it's exactly that part that I can't fix that easily. 
There have been so many failures that I keep close in my thoughts, it's hard to shut that off. 

But I am determined to be able to make good phone calls. 
I know that I can do it and I want to prove it. To my boss, to the people on the line but mostly to myself. 

When I finally find some tips that help me, I will share them :-)


Love,
Natasja xxx

Society these days

Today I read an article in the paper that talked about the pressure that the youth has the deal with these days. 
So with that article in mind, I'm doing a post on the pressure of society these days.
I really wanted to write about this because the subject itself makes my blood boil.

In the article there was a boy with dyslexia who said that he doesn't even feel like he belongs in his own house. He gets teased by his family for being 'slower'  and more stupid then his classmates.
Or let's not forget the boy who was highly gifted but was described as being stuck up and showing of with his grades? For that he was bullied every single day.
Or another boy with ADHD who turned to drugs because instead of helping him, his teachers told him that he wouldn't amount to anything. 

Having a disorder, no matter what type it is, is hard in this society. 
For me, it has always been a battle. 
I didn't want to be an outcast because of my stutter, but I didn't want to fit in either. Because I knew that I wasn't like everyone else. 
In stores I have gotten strange looks when I wasn't able to say what I wanted to order, I could feel the judgement actually hanging in the room. People were actually laughing about it to my face.
It made me feel so bad, so alone. 
I've come to the conclusion that this is who I am. And I don't want to be like anyone else.
I don't fit in and that's fine with me.

I can't imagine what it's like having a disorder like ADHD. But I do know people who have it. And I have a great amount of respect for them. Same for people with Dyslexia. 
No matter what the disorder is, it's something that changes you forever. It's also something that makes you feel like an outcast forever. 

How about the boys and girls who are gay?  
Or the people who are transgender? 
Having the fear that people, even your own family, aren't going to except you for who you are?
A lot of people have come to terms with the thought of someone being gay or transgender, but not everyone has.
People get bullied for it, even become the target of fights.
Why shouldn't we be allowed to chose who we love? Why shouldn't we go trough life as the person we choose to be? 
Why do so many people feel ashamed for being who they are? 

I've talked about a couple of things society sees as a 'problem'. But there is one still to come. Depression. Something that a lot of us battle with. And a lot of that are younger kids and teenagers. How is it that teenageers of 16 or 17 are already fighting this? 
This is a clear sign that something is wrong. 
When you are 16 or 17 you should be having the time of you life, not going trough something like that. 
How is it that we only see the signs when it's too late? 
'Oh yes, she told me she was bullied but I didn't do anything about it' ... This is actually something a principal said about one of her own students committing suicide.

Sometimes I feel disgusted being human.

One last thing to close down my post.
Go and look on tumblr. There are so many posts about not fitting in, feeling like an outcast, having depressions and even committing suicide. 
If that's not a sign than I don't know what it.

I think society can go screw itself. 
I'd rather be an outcast that accepts people for who they are, then to fit in in a world where you can't be yourself. A world where it's okay to make others feel like they don't belong. 

I always say, live and let live. 
I'm not here to judge anyone. 



Love,
Natasja 

September Quote

Happy Saturday! (I admit, I love weekends)

Can you believe the biggest part of september is already over? Time goes so fast.

For this post I'm doing another Quote of the month. 

This quote is for everyone who compares himself or herself to others. 
Be honest, who has never done this? 
People always seem to do so. Even to people that they don't know personally. 
Even in middleschool you can see students striving to be the best and number one in the class. And parents are encouraging that.
We live in a world that is very competitive. It's not healthy.

When I was younger, I always wanted to the best in everything I did. Wether it was school or sports. For me it was like I was trying to make sure everybody knew that I was more then just the girl that couldn't talk fluently. I wanted to be perfect in everything so that my stutter wouldn't be important anymore. It was my way of hiding my flaw. 

Trying to always be the best is a heavy burden to carry. And most importantly, an unnecessary burden. 
As long as you do the best you can, you are already a winner (that's cheesy but true).
Comparing ourselves to others just leaves us stressed and maybe disappointed when the results we get aren't what we wanted.

Who cares about other people? Don't spend your life thinking about others. It's a waste of time and energy. 
Be the best that you can be.
When you don't care about what others think, do or say, that's when you can focus on yourself and improve yourself. 
You are your biggest competitor. 


I hope this quote can help all of you realise that you don't need to compare yourself to anyone. Keep on doing what you are doing! You can achieve anything you want! 



Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Love,
Natasja 

My Q to your A

Happy Saturday!

I hope you all had a good week at work/school.

For today's post I'm going to answer some of the questions I've got.

Thanks to you I can do this post, so a big thanks to everyone who send in a question.

1. When does your stutter bother you the most?

It bothers me the most when I'm in a very stressed position or when I don't feel 100% comfortable. Other people start sweating or become red when they are nervous, I begin to stutter (have blockages) more. When I have to talk to someone who has a higher position than me it will also occur more.

2. How do you think you would be if you didn't have a stutter? Would you be a totally different person?

I don't want to let my stutter hold me back but I think that I would be different without it. Hopefully a little bit more sure of myself. Because of my stutter I doubt myself constantly.

I also think I would a little bit more outgoing. I would probably talk non stop if I didn't had this. But that wouldn't be good either haha :)

3. Can you give us a negative and a positive side about your stuttering?

Well the negative one is that having a stutter (or any other 'problem') holds you back in a lot of ways. Socially it's sometimes very difficult to convince yourself to go to an event or whatever because there is a fear of meeting new people. You always have that voice in your head asking 'what will people think if they notice it?'.

For me the biggest negative one is the feeling that it gives me sometimes. When I have a bad days I feel so hopeless. After 23 years this is still here, influencing my life.
It feels like you are having a constant war inside your head. Constantly being frustrated with yourself. The stuttering itself isn't the worst, it's getting mentally tired every single day that really influences you in a negative way.

The positive one is that I think it made me a 'better' person in a way. I'm more patient with people and I try not to judge anyone. We are all fighting or own battle. Stuttering is mine.

I also try to be a more positive person because of it. I do have my bad periods but overall it's makes me realise that I have a good life. It could be a lot worse.

4. Why did you decide to study finances if you knew you would have a lot of social contact? What made you decide to do it anyway?

I knew that it was going to be hard and that I would have my work cut out for me. But this was something I could actually see myself doing. Stutter or no stutter.

It's a lot of work and mentally It's very hard sometimes but this is what I love to do.

5. Why did you decide to go back to therapy after such a long time? Were you forced or was it out of yourself?

It was my choice so go back to therapy. I was feeling more and more unsure of myself. I wasn't feeling good in my own skin. I felt like there had to be a change. My sutttering had reached a peak and I didn't know how to handle that myself.

6. Do people sometimes have prejudices?
It's known that people sometimes think that stutterers aren't as smart as others. They think that is why we can't speak fluently.
Ofcourse that is not true at all. Stutterers often have a better connection to language then anyone else.

7. What advice would you give someone who has a stutter?
Don't give up. Don't let your stutter get the best of you. You are so much more then that.
It's not easy to deal with this every single day. It's there and it's very frustrating. It's frustrating not being able to say your own name, order something in a restaurant or pick up the phone and call someone.
But I know that people who stutter are also very strong people. Don't write us of just because of this. This is just a little bump in the road.

8. Is there anything you are scared off doing because of your stuttering?
This is going to sound very stupid but I am scared that if I ever get married, I won't be able say my own vows.
I always said I didn't want to get married but since I'm in a stable relationship for almost 4 years it has come to mind. We sometimes talk about it and I have told my boyfriend that I'm scared I won't be able to say my vows. His reaction was 'We will find a way to make that work. We can always make a video where we say or vows. You shouldn't let anything hold you back' ...

I was very scared of picking up the phone. Before I started my internship I never picked up the phone at home. I avoided the phone in every way that I could.
Since my work that hasn't been an option anymore. It has a been a very very rough ride but I feel more confident now picking up the phone. It took a lot of sweat and tears but I'm happy to be at this point. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go.

9. When do you decide to tell people about your stuttering? Do you tell people from the start or not?
When I was younger It took a lot of time to tell someone. It was too personal for me to share. My good friends and family knew but that was it. I didn't want to draw attention to it.

The funny thing is that people sometimes just don't notice it. For example, my boyfriend didn't notice until I told him myself. We had been friends for a year and a half before we started dating and he never noticed something was wrong. Even though I did have blockages while speaking to him. Sometimes your stutters or blockages are just so small and short that people really don't even see any harm in it.

The past months I came to this point in my life where I didn't want to hide it so much anymore. It was getting exhausting to worry about what others would think. I wanted to use this to help others. So that's why I decided to take on this blog. Just throw it out in the world. This is me and I am proud of it. I'm proud of everything I've done so far. I think I've finally learned to accept it.

It took me a long time to come to this moment in my life. A lot of ups and downs. I think that once you've come to this, it's very liberating. Atleast for me it was. Ever since that letter to my boss, a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

Every single one of you is going to come to this point. It might take some time but you will get there.

Thank you for all the questions, you guys are amazing :-)


xxx Natasja

Are we inconvient?

Hi everyone,

I'm back, so it's time for another post.

For this post I'm working together with Joshua St Pierre.

Joshua also owns a blog about stuttering and today I want to talk about one of his articles.

In this article Joshua talks about stutterers being 'inconvient' to others. You can find the link here:

http://www.didistutter.org/blog/on-being-inconvenient1

Time is money. We have all heard that expression before.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is because sometimes I feel like I'm wasting people their time when I'm stuttering. And I can imagine that other stutterers feel the same.

To us, a stutter or a blockage seems like it lasts minutes. We sometimes don't realise that it's only a couple of seconds.

During those seconds we feel ashamed, mad at ourselves and stressed. Those are a lot of emotions to feel in a couple of seconds.

Leen and I have filmed me talking a couple of times. I always thought my blockages were almost a minute long. I clearly didn't have any clue of how long a minute actually is.

Looking at those video's I realised that my blockages were maximum 10 seconds long. It made me change my vision a little bit on my stutter. If people can't take 10 extra seconds out of their lives to listen to me, then there is something really wrong. And the problem isn't with me ... it's with them.

Joshua talks about how he takes pride in being inconvient. For me personally, that is not the case. I'm just not that convident. But I think he is right to take pride in it. Why shouldn't we take the time that we deserve?

Why should we feel like we don't deserve the time to speak? Everybody else gets the time they deserve, so I think it's only fair that we do too. You can correct me if I'm wrong on this.

You're not taking away anybody their time while talking. You are alowed to take the time that you need to get your point across. This goes for everybody. So when people look at you with a boring face, don't even sweat it. That just shows that they are not worth your time. People who actually are interested will keep on listening. No matter how long it takes.

If you have some time, go and check out Joshua his blog on this link:

http://www.didistutter.org/
Also a big thank you to Joshua for letting me use his article for this post.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the rest of your Saturday and Sunday.

xxx

Natasja