Thank you!

Hello Everyone,

Let me start by saying that I'm very overwelmed with the postive comments that I'm getting about this blog. 

I got this feature on a facebookpage about stuttering which resulted in a couple of my facebookfriends finding my blog. At first I was a little bit scared. My close friends know about my stuttering, but so far almost nobody knew about my blog. 
Leen, my therapist, also recommended my blog to a lot of colleagues.
I got some amazing comments that really warmth my heart. So to everyone who took the time to read my last post (and my blog) and leave some comments on facebook, a big thank you. 

The main reason that I decided to do this blog is because I want to help others who stutter. But most of all,  I want this blog to be a safe place for everyone. Wether you stutter or not. 
There are so many stutterers but you can hardly find any personal blogs. 
That made me want to do this even more.
This blog is also for everyone who wants some more insight on the world of stuttering. 
 So please, feel free to share this blog with anyone that might be interested. 

For one of my next posts I would love to receive some questions. Any questions that you might have about stuttering or about my life as a stutterer you can mail to meandmystutter@hotmail.com, or leave as a comment. In one of my next posts I will answer all for them. Don't leave me hanging here guys! 

This post is going to very short, light and random. Why? Because I think it's important to also keep this blog a little bit fun. I have posted some heavy things so far, time to for a happier post.

Normally I write my post with Sepp his laptop because mine broke 5 months ago. The problem with that is that he needs it alot for his work. Today I finally ordered a new one. So in the future I will have more time to plan my posts and write beforehand. Tuesday, after work, I can go and pick it up. Seeing as I leave for Munich on wednesday at 3.30 am there won't be a post up next week because we are not taking our laptops with us. We will be there until monday the 31th. I'm really excited to discover Munich. Sepp is there a lot for his work( he's there for 5 months of the year) but he never actually sees the city, time to change that! I'm also going to meet some of his friends and his boss ... the pressure is on. Talking is hard enough in Dutch, now I will have to talk English half of the time. It's a real challenge but I can not wait. You will definitely hear how that goes.

The next post will be up around the 5th of september so stay tuned :-)

If you ever have suggestions or ideas for a post, please let me know. I would love to have input seeing as you guys are the ones reading this blog. You can always comment or e-mail me. Ideas are always welcome. 

Auf Wiedersehen!

The letter that changed everything

It all started at the beginning of this year. Something changed. I changed.
I didn't feel good in my own skin anymore. 

There were things happening at work that made me feel like I didn't belong there. It seemed like I wasn't doing a good job and I should just quit while I was ahead. 
There were comments made every single day that always seemed aimed at me.
Because someone at the office had the same problem as me, I felt like I was being compared. And not in the good way.
All I wanted to do was scream out 'I am not the same!'.

A big part of the problem were the phone calls. I tried every single day but it felt like I was getting nowhere. It felt like I was moving backwards instead of forewards. I was doing therapy, why in the world was I moving backwards? Shoudn't this all be getting better? 

I felt like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. The stuttering was getting too much and I got overwelmed. Since I had been working I came in confrontation with this every single day. I work at an insurance firm and this means coming in contact with clients a lot. In person but also on the phone. I do a lot of administration but I also have to call the company's we work with when I need more information about a payment or a certain dossier. When there are problems, I have to find a way to solve them and that means picking up the phone and calling around. I am also the one that answers the phone when people call in. But that phone is the devil to me. And it showed.
People were throwing down the phone because I couldn't get a word out. It felt degrading because they wouldn't even take the time to let me finish.
People were looking at me weird when I couldn't explain something fluently when they were sitting right in from of me..
For me, the worst was that I didn't get a lot of support at my job. I felt like I was alone in this. 

After 2 months of feeling like this I broke down completely. I cried my eyes out leaving work and coming home. I always said I wouldn't work somewhere where I didn't feel accepted. Why work somewhere for 8 hours a day when all you do is feel worthless? I didn't feel like that place was the right place for me anymore. I was mad at everything and at everyone, mostly at myself. I hated myself for being like this. Why couldn't I just get over this? So many people have. I was mentally exhausted because I had try to pull myself out of this funk. 
But I didn't let it show outside of my home. Only my boyfriend and my best friend knew. 
Shout out to them for being the best people I know!

During all of these years of being a stutterer I bottled a lot up. I never wanted to seem ungreatefull for all of the help I got. During school and college the teachers were all amazing, helping me where they could. Especially in college. My french and dutch teacher both helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it without them. During the last oral exams I broke out crying because I couldn't even get out what I wanted to say. I practised to hard, in front of the mirror, in front of my boyfriend ... but nope. During the exams it wouldn't work. 
Both of them told me it was alright and they talked to me about my stuttering.
How can you even complain about that? I was just so happy that they wanted to understand. So complaining was never an option. 

But because all of this felt like a street without an end I knew I had to do something.
So I decided to tell Leen. I told her about the phone calls, about the feelings I had of not being understood ... everything. 
She was great about it and we talked for weeks about this. 

To sum it up, I was in a negative circle.
First I felt nervous because I had to call or talk to people with this stutter. I felt insecure.
Because of this it got harder and harder to do my job. Everytime I had to call someone It just didn't go well because of the negative thoughts I already put in my head. Because of this I got even more nervous to try it again. And this got me nervous when I had to speak. And so on. 
It was a circle that I needed to get out of. 

In may I was leaving for a holiday of 2 weeks, 11 days were going to be spend in Turkey. 
You have no idea how much I was looking forward this. I think people were actually getting tired of me saying 'oh only ... days until I leave for Turkey'. I had the countdown calender and everything. I needed to get out of that office so bad. Since January I had been working every day with these negative thoughts spooking around in my head. I'd been feeling mentally exhausted since the last year of college (I talked about this in my first post), but when this was added to it, I couldn't control my feelings anymore.

We saw the perfect opportunity to tell my boss everything. I had to tell him how I felt because I needed his help. I needed him to help me with these phone calls and I needed him to understand what it has been like. But most of all I didn't want to be compared anymore.
In those 2 weeks both him and I would also have the chance to reflect. 
Because it wouldn't be easy to tell him in person (I'm a cry baby so I wouldn't be able to tell him without shedding tears the size of a river), we decided to tell him trough a letter. 

3 weeks before I left for Turkey I wrote the letter. Terrified of giving it to him, me and Leen went over it a couple of times. Analyzing what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.
I was scared that he was going to thing that I was overreacting. But at the same time I felt like I had a right to say what I feel. 

On may 19th I put the letter in the mailbox when I left the office, hoping that this would change something.

I'm so glad to tell you that it did.
Me and my boss talked about it when I came back. He told me how he felt and how it was hard for him to understand why I felt so bad.  
At first I thought that it wouldn't change anything because of this comment.
But little by little the situation got better because I actually felt like I could speak to him about this. 
The pressure of making these phone calls isn't there anymore. Now I do this on my own time and when it doesn't seem to work, I know that I can always ask for help. He also calms me down or give me tips.
 
My job is really stressfull. Not only because of my stutter. But now I can finally say that I like my job again.
I'm happy that if something is wrong I don't have to feel ashamed anymore to talk about it. 
The subject of stuttering is out in the open and it feels great. 

If you ever go trough the same thing, please stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself feel bad because of other people. You can do anything. Even if it takes up a little bit more time. Never apologize for having a stutter or any other problem. That would be the same as apologizing for being a brunette, a blonde or a redhead. It's a part of you and it makes you who you are.



Have a good weekend!
X
Natasja 

ps. Sorry for the long post ;)


 

Quote of the month

Every month I am going to share a quote that has had a lot of meaning to me. I hope that these quotes can also help and motivate you :)

This quote above has helped me a lot. 
This year I have had some rough times (In the next post I will explain some more). I doubted myself and I doubted if I could go on. 
I felt exhausted. I felt like I was fighting a constant war in my head. 

These words helped me remind myself of how far I have come in my life. So many years ago, I would have never expected to be where I am now. 
I would have never expected to handle situations like I have. 

Wether you stutter, have dyslexia or any another problem that makes you feel like you are worth less then others, don't forget how strong you are.
Don't forget of the struggles you have been through and how you have overcome all of them. 

Ofcourse I am totally aware that this is easier said then done.
I know that there are times where being positive just isn't an option. You just don't feel like trying to find the good things. 

But it is worth it. Being negative isn't helping you move forward either. 
What is going to help you move forward is all of the strenght that you have because life hasn't been easy on you. You have learned from that and those lessons are going to help you in the future. 

The things that is making your live more difficult is also the thing that is making you stronger every day. 
Sometimes you just need a couple of words to remind yourself of that.  






Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone <3 
  

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out

I found this drawing on Tumblr and I really wanted to use it for my blog.
I think it's describes what has been said to me over the years just perfectly.
I wanted to thank the amazing and talented intertwinedheartss on tumblr (www.intertwinedheartss.tumblr.com) for letting me use her artwork.

I think all of us who stutter can relate to this drawing so much. All of those words have been said to us, and they hurt. They make you feel so bad about yourself. Even if some of them aren't used to harm you but to help you.

I'm going to talk a bit about some of these comments. 
Have one of those things ever been said to you? How did you feel about it? Please let me know, I would love to get to know you better.

 - Relax
Something that has been said to me too many times. Saying 'relax' has never helped me and it never will. It's not a magic word. It won't get me relaxed. It will make me feel nervous because I feel like I need to be relaxed for you. 

- I don't have all day / Come on already
Luckily, nobody has every said this to me. I think saying something like that to someone who stutters, or to anybody for that matter, is just plain rude. You will listen to what we have to say, even if it takes us a whole day. Everybody has the right to be heard. 
Patience is the key with people who stutter. Don't rush us. Make us feel comfortable, that is the only way to take away the stress of speaking.

- I've seen worse
Oh have you? Well let me talk fluently now because obviously I am not the worst thing you have seen. That makes me feel great about myself and my stutter. Nope.

- Did I stutter?
I HATE people who use the word 'stutter' as something that they just trow in a sentence.
The fact is that everybody sometimes stutters. People on tv, on the radio, they all do it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. There is no need to use it in an argument as a way to make someone feel bad about not understanding you. 
As you can see, the title of my blog is 'Did I stutter?'. I choose this because I'm tired of people using this as a joke. For once, I wanted to see it being used in the right way. Did I stutter? Well yes I did. And there is no reason to hide it. 

- I know how you feel 
Unless you stutter yourself, you don't know how I feel. There is no discussing that. 
It's the same as saying 'I know how you feel' to someone who is very sick when you have never been sick. 
Do you know how it feels to be an outcast? Do you know how it feels to be scared to go somewhere where you have to speak? Do you know how it feels to feel your heart racing like crazy every time the phone rings? Do you know how it feels to be so frustrated with yourself that you never want to speak again? Do you know how it feels to not be able to say your own name? Or the name of the ones you love? 

- Did you forget your name or something?
I think out of all the comments, this is the one that gets to me the most.
I hate not being able to say my name. 
Your name is something really emotional and that is exactly the reason why most people stutter on it.
When people say 'Did you forget your name or something' it makes me feel so bad about myself. I can't even describe the feeling. It just makes me feel helpless.

- Breathe
My boss says this to me a lot. When I'm on the phone to him and I can't say what I need to say, he always tells me to breathe in and out. 
Obviously I know that I need to breathe in and out, I don't need anyone to tell me that. 
I appreciate that he tries to keep me calm and wants to help but to be honest, it never really helps me. I tell myself to breathe in and out every single moment of the day. It just doesn't work. 

- It's not that bad
Well to you it might not seem bad, but for me it feels like it is.
If you have had this for many years and you don't see it going away, it doesn't really help your confidence. 
For me it's bad because I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of having this. 
People might say this to make you feel better but let's face it, it doens't help you much when you already feel like shit on the inside.


To everybody that has ever tried to make me feel comfortable and took the time to listen to me... Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. Thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for letting me be myself.

I really hope that all of you guys who are reading this have friends and family that let them be themselves. If you ever need to talk about your stutter (or anything else), please message me. You can find me on twitter, on tumblr and you can find my e-mail on my blog. I'm always here to help.

Therapy

A big part of learning how to deal with your stutter is going to therapy.

Stuttering isn't just related to speech. It's related to everything that goes on in your mind and in your life. Having a stutter makes you feel like you are worth less than others. It makes you feel like an outcast. It also influences your daily life. Everything becomes a bit harder and it happends that anxiety can occur. Ordering something in a restaurant becomes a stress situation, having to meet new people makes you feel lightheaded or even sick. These are all situations that we have to deal with. And going to therapy can help a lot.

Therapy shouldn't just be about the speech itself. Talking about how it feels to have this is very important as well. Especially for kids. We have all been there, we have all laughed at someone because they are different. And I think for most of us, we have also been laughed at for that same reason.
Kids can be cruel because sometimes they just don't see how words can hurt.
I didn't really liked to talk about it to my parents. So going to the therapist helped me because there I could talk about my day.

You also have to find a therapy that suits you. Do they focus on getting rid of the stutter, or do they want you to feel comfortable with it and teach you how to talk fluently even with a stutter?
There is a big difference.

For me, it's important that I feel comfortable with my stuttering/blockages because I know that it's not going to go away. It's been here for 23 years and it will stay for even more.
So that's why we focus on making voluntary stutters. This means that when I feel a blockage or a stutter coming up, I don't try to fight it. I just try to say the word with a small repeat. Seeing as we are in the beginning of my therapy, it's still very hard for me to do them outside the therapy. During the therapy it feels more comfortable. For example, normally if I would say my name I would just have a blockage before I could start to say the letter N. With this I would say Hi, I'm Na-Na-Natasja. So I would make a small repeat but I would be able to say my name with a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. Another example is a word with the letter T. Instead of saying T-T-T-T-T-Training or just completely blocking on the word, I would say Trai-Trai-Training.
The whole point of this is for me to learn how to talk fluently, even with a stutter.

We also talk alot about how I experience it. How has my week gone? Did I have many stutters or blockages? When did I have them? What caused them? How did I react? How did other react?
I think this is also something that needs to be adressed. Not just the speech.

So why don't I pick a therapy that helps me get rid of my stutter? Well, my stutter is a part of who I am. Thanks to this stutter, I am the worker that I am today. It made me a person that tries to not judge people. And I am proud of that. I don't want that gone. I want to show people that I can handle living with this. It's not the end of the world.
Besides, the therapy's that promise you to have your stutter gone... I don't really believe in them. I think they do help you, but only for a couple of months.  You have therapy for 6 weeks, every day, multiple hours, with a whole group of people in a save environment and then after those weeks you are talking fluently. And that's good. But what if you are outside that environment? What if a stutter slips in and you don't know how to handle it anymore because you thought it would be gone? I'm the kind of person that needs to do things on my own time. But I have much respect for the people in those programs, it's great that they can overcome their stutter. Personally, it's just not really something I would see myself doing.

I think the therapy I'm doing right now suits me as a person. But that doesn't mean it will suit everyone. It's important to find something YOU are comfortable with. Never settle for less.

Let's go back to the beginning ...

As my first post, I wanted to talk a little bit about my journey. Warning, this might be a long post.
 
The first time I remember coming in confrontation with my stuttering was when I was 7.
I was in my first year in middle school and I was a bit 'slower' then everybody else. My teacher, who was a lovely woman and I'm still so greatfull for everything she did for me, recommended to go see a doctor who deals in speakingproblems, dyslexia and that sort of thing. Now, seeing as I was 6 years old, I don't remember a lot of it anymore. The thing I do remember is that I had go sit in a room and I had to pronounce certain sounds/letters/words etc.
I also had to do these tests that would tell if I was 'behind' on the other kids or not.

 After 3 hours of this kind of torture, don't forget I was a kid and I had the concentration of a fish, the doctor came in and told my parents I would never be able to finish middle school because of my disfluency in speaking and reading. He suggested going to this school that was specialized in kids who had a handicap.

My parents took the results to my teacher and she was not having it. She told my parents there was nothing wrong with me and that I would be able to do great if I just had a little bit more help.
It's not because a kid has a stutter, he or she is behind on everyone else. People should really get that into their head.

So I kept on going to the same school until I was 13. I felt good there. I didn't feel like an outcast.The teachers and kids knew that I had a stutter and the accepted me for it. I got help whenever I needed it.
Did I get laughed at? Yes I did. But I knew that I could get trough this. I needed to.

To help me, I did follow speech therapy from ages 6 until 12. In the beginning I had to go 3 times a week for an hours. So I would come home, eat, go to therapy, come home and do my homework. Then It was straight to bed. You could say I didn't really have a lot of free time. Ofcourse, over the years the therapy went from 3 hours a week, till 1 hour a week.

From my 13th till my 18th I went to high school in the same schoolcomplex as middle school.
Ofcourse high school is a whole different kind of deal. New people, new teachers, new classes ... in other words, a new kind of stress.
Overall I can't complain about my high school experience. Again, I had good teachers and nice classmates.

I remember that during the second class of German, I had to repeat a sentence. I got so nervous that I couldn't say anything. The teacher asked me what was wrong and I told her that I had a stuttering problem.
She was so sweet about and she let me and my other classmate who had the same thing, come by during lunch so that we could practice German together.
My English teacher also did the same. I still appreciate this so much.
Presentations or reading assignments were also seperated. I had the chance to do them seperated from the group.
It might seem like a preferential treatment but my grades were depending on this. I wasn't bad at German or English, but being with 13 other people got me too nervous to speak or read. I wasn't going to let this problem take away my good grades.

Because of some problems I did return to speech therapy at the end of the schoolyear. Eventhough I was doing pretty good and my stuttering wasn't a big problem, I didn't feel good in my own skin. Having this was slowly making me more insecure.

So by this time I graduated middle and high school. So, eat this doctor whatever you name was.
I had to work very hard, that's no secret. When others were at a party, I was home. Studying and having no life. So it sure wasn't easy.

After this it was time for college. I did go to speech therapy during this whole first year.
I studied nursing. Long story short, it was not my thing. Eventough I loved to help people, I didn't feel 100% sure of it.
My stuttering felt better, so that was not the main problem. The problem was me.

After failing my internship I decided to do something totally different. I choose a bachelor education in finances and insurances. To this day, I still don't regret it.

So again, new school, new teachers and new classmates. But I felt more comfortable in my own skin. On the first day I already had new friends and I felt more sure of myself, thanks to An and her amazing therapy.

I'm not going to go into detail of my years in college. But I am going to talk a bit about my last year.
Your last year of college is the year with the most of stress. For me the stress became a bit unbareble.
It got to the point where I didn't knew how to handle my stutter anymore. It felt out of control. I felt like I needed help.  I felt exhausted, I felt empty.  I needed someone to talk to so I went to the counselor in school. Once a week we talked about everything. She really helped me to get trough these last months in school.

After 6 months of classes and exams it was time for the last part, the internship. I got an internship at a local insuranceagent. I already knew the boss because he is a friend of my parents. The internship itself went pretty well.  The hardest part for me what getting over my fear of phonecalls. But we will get into that later on.
I graduated in june and I got a full time job at my internship a week after my graduation. So things were going pretty well.

Yes things were going pretty well. But I still had the same feelings as before. Maybe even more now because I had to deal with these phonecalls every single day from now on. I had to deal with people looking at me weird because I can not talk fluently. I had to deal with people getting mad at me on the phone because I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't keep hiding this frustration anymore.

In november I decided to go back to a speech therapist. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep on going like I was fine while I wasn't. This thing was eating me up inside. It was making me even more scared that I was before.
I searched for a therapist and that's where I found Leen. My first meeting with her felt like I was talking to someone I knew for a while. And that is when you know you have found the right therapist. I didn't feel judged.

I have been going to Leen for about 6 months now. During those 6 months there have been a lot of ups and downs. Most of them are psychological. It felt like all I did was cry about this.
The hardest part right now is trying to accept that this stutter is still here. When I was little I always thought that by the time I turned 23, it would have been gone. Sadly enough, there is no quick cure for this. It's a long time process and I still have a long time to go.
For now, I am just learning how to accept this. If I have learned anything, it's the fact that there is no use in fighting this because it won't just go away. 

I hope you guys take this journey with me.


I would really appreciate it if you leave me a note to tell me what you think of my blog so far.
I would just love to know if you think I should keep going with this or not.