A little setback.

As I'm writing this, I don't even know how to put everything I feel into words. I don't know how to put all of these emotions into one good blogpost. But that's exactly what I'm going to attempt. 

I've said it in my last post, I have been under a lot of stress. Sadly enough, that hasn't changed. It has only become worse. Work is very busy and I feel like I try so hard but I can't seem to get anything done. Ever felt like that? Like you have been working hard but not getting anything done? No? Well maybe that's just me then.

So these last few weeks have been a challenge. I was not in the mood to even deal with my stutter anymore. I didn't want to think about it or work on it. I didn't want to give it any attention anymore. I wanted it to shut up and be gone. I didn't want to do my excercises. I was done with it.

Lucky enough I have a therapist who understands me. During my last session we talked about it and she understood everything that I was trying to make clear. And that is not easy because sometimes I don't even understand what I'm trying to say. I felt like I shouldn't complain but at the same time all I want to do is complain. Leen is a savior. For real. I have no idea what I would do without her. 
After that session I felt a bit better and friday was actually a good day. 

Now on to this week. Where do I start? It has been a complete disaster. It has gotten to the point where I can't even get any further than 'hello' on the telephone. 
Why? Probably stress and the fact that I'm doubting myself again. 
I can't seem to shake feeling bad about it. I try so hard to keep positive but I can't. I was doing so well and now it feels like my hard work was all for nothing.
It really feels like your heart is sinking into your shoes. For the first time in a long time I felt powerless and nervous in the office. 

Right now I think I just can't accept that I'm having a setback. I was doing so good and I was so happy with all of the progress that I made. 
But at the same time I also know that sometimes you need a setback to see exactly how far you have come. 

So the question I'm asking myself right now is 'how can I handle this?'. How do I handle this in a way that I just move on and try to get back to where I was? 
At this point, I don't know. But I do know that I have worked too hard to just let this get me down. 

Things like this happen. Stutterer or no stutterer, sometimes life gets that little bit harder. And we either handle it or we give up. 
I think what bothered me the most was the fact that I felt like I couldn't even talk to anyone about it because I don't want to complain. Why should I right? Everything else is going great. But if I feel bad than I can talk about it. If you feel like something is bothering you than it's your right to talk about and share how you feel. We shouldn't be afraid or ashamed about that. 

Monday is a new start, a new week. And we will see how it goes. I will keep you posted. 
Thank you for dealing with my ranting posts :-)

Have a good weekend everyone!
Let's take these 2 days to relax.


love,
Natasja 

They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same ...

I've never been one to put personal matters on facebook or on instagram. I have never put something on my facebook/instagram about my stuttering because I was always afraid of reactions. And I was ashamed. Imagine everyone you know, knowing about your stuttering. It always gave me shivers. Good friends knew, but it's not something you tell everyone. 

Biggest part why I never mentioned it was because it was something I couldn't accept. 
I can imagine that a lot of you are also going through the same thing.

Ever since I have this blog I feel more secure talking about my stutter. Even when I talk to Leen about it, I don't feel so hold back anymore. 

So, for the first time, I posted something on my instagram about stuttering. And I thought that I would share it with you guys. 
I think every one of us should be proud of who we are. No we're not like everyone else but we don't have to be. We are who we are and that's nothing to be ashamed off. 

So keep this quote in mind, every single day. We are doing great! 

I've been a stutterer since I've had the ability to speak. For years I was ashamed. For years I've been hard on myself, nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to make my stutter less important by always trying to be better than everyone else. I never once thougth I was good enough. I was a hard worker, with a reason. Because that was actually something I could control. Mentally, stuttering is very heavy. It's like you are fighting a constant war inside your head. 'Why can't I say my own name?' 'If I order that, will I be able to actually pronounce the word?'. Every word that comes out your mouth is twisted, turned and thougth about carefully ... I've been living with this for 24 years and I have finally accepted it and come to terms with who I am. I might not be normal, but who cares? I am who I am. I'm working hard in therapy every single week and for the first time in 24 years, I am actually proud of myself. This post is for everyone who is ever ashamed of who they are. You are great and you should never let your own thoughts hold you back. Keep on being amazing ☺️💐

Love,

Natasja 

xx

What I see when I look in the mirror

Looking at ourselves can be a hard thing to do. Are we who we want to be? Are we proud of who we are? 
For me it's not any different. I'm a really insecure person. I don't like to look at myself or reflect on myself. For this post, I decided to do exactly that. 

I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Trying to reflect of what kind of a person I am today. Is this who I thought I would be?

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at two different people. One of them is insecure, overwelmed with thoughts, and the other one is proud of what she has already achieved. She feels confident at times even with all of these fears in her head.

I like that I'm a combination of both. Because 1 year ago, I would be writing something very different. I wouldn't be writing about 2 people. I would be writing about one, a very insecure girl that let's her stuttering get the best of who she is. A girl who doesn't believe in herself anymore. A girl that is losing a struggle to her stuttering. I felt ashamed of the person I was.

Right now I see someone that is very hard to handle and who hates receiving negative comments because she is very demanding on herself. But sometimes, she just can't be bothered. 
I see someone who has a voice but is sometimes afraid to out it because she is scared that people won't listen to her. 
I see someone that is not afraid of challenges because she doesn't want people to see her as someone vulnerable.

I worked very hard to get to where I am today. And that's something that shows. When I look at myself I also see someone that's tired. And I'm not talking about physically tired. What I mean is that some days, I get tired mentally. 
I always try to be postive. I get down pretty easily and that makes my stuttering worse. To avoid that I try to always look on the bright sight of things and I try to not let anything get me down. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It's hard to always give yourself a peptalk, sometimes you just want to let it out and cry, scream, anything. 
The fact that I try to not do that makes me tired. Tired of always trying to be a happy, cheerfull and positive person. 

When I close my eyes for a second and look back at myself, I see a fighter. A person who might be tired and insecure, but someone who keeps on going because that is the only thing that you can do. 
I've never been someone that gives up. At school I was behind on reading because, due to my stuttering, I couldn't read as fluent as other children in my class and that's why I got put in the lowest group. It was just me and one other girl. Every night I read to myself in order to get where the other kids were. I knew that I could read fluently, it just wouldn't happen when I had to do it in class. Eventho that might have been the case, I never stopped trying. I wanted to, but I never did. 

Stutterers have to fight their whole lives. Fight to prove themselves to others and even to ourselves. We are very insecure people but we will rarely show that. We put ourselves away because we think we are not worth other people their time. 
But we are strong. Don't think we're weak human beings, trust me, we're not. 
We have gone trough more stress than you can ever imagine. 

When I look in the mirror, I see someone that I'm proud of. I see a hard worker, someone that can barely sit still and who loves cleaning a little bit to much. Someone who loves making others happy and who is glad that she has the life she has. 

I see someone who sometimes wishes she didn't have a stutter. Who wishes to be like everyone else. But when she really thinks about it, she wouldn't have it any other way. 
My stutter might be a big pain in the ass, but I can't imagine my life without it. I've met some really nice people because of it and I've done some things I would have never done otherwise. It makes me see the world differently and It makes me appreciate good days even more. 

I see someone who loves to laugh and who loves to make others laugh. I also see a very sarcastic person who doesn't give out to many changes. Don't try to get on her bad side because you will forever stay there. 
I see someone who has been hurt a lot and has trust issues because of it. But once she does trust you, she would stick her hand in a fire for you. 

But most of all, I see someone who, at this moment, is happy. 
And after everything, that truely feels amazing. 


What do you guys see when you look in the mirror? 
Don't be afraid to reflect on yourself and give yourself some credit. You have already overcome a lot. Treat yourself to some positive comments to lift yourself up. 


Have a great weekend everyone! 

xx
Natasja 

My experience today.

Today started as such a good day at work. I did a lot of phonecalls and I was very pleased with the results. I felt like I was on a roll today.

Sadly enough, sometimes things happen that can ruin your day. It can be something small, but it can also be something big. I don't even know if mine was big or small, I just know that my whole day was ripped to shreds just because of one comment.

Normally I don't write about these things. I want to keep a positive vibe on this blog. I don't want to complain and I don't want to be negative, because that won't help anyone. 
But I really feel like I have to talk about this. I need to talk about this to get it of my chest. But I also want you to take a look into my life. Into my stories. Because sadly enough it's not only rainbows and butterflies. 

So what happened?

I had to call a client to ask if she wanted to bring some documents to the office. I needed them to make a good price offer for her car. 
I called her a couple of times but she didn't pick up the phone. After a while she called back herself and I started to explain everything. I blocked. Not a big blockage, not a blockage that worried me or had me stressed. Just a small blockages that sometimes happends and goes away after 1 second. That 1 second was the worst one yet. This woman didn't let me finish. 
From the moment I blocked all she kept saying was 'Hello'. Hello Hello Hello. It was like a train rushing by not leaving me any space to talk. Because this stressed me so much, I couldn't get anything out anymore. This woman was so stressed herself that I couldn't calm myself down. 
She decided to come to the office so that I could explain it to her in person. 

When she came to the office I felt worried. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't feel like talking to this person anymore. 
I tried to gather my courage and explain everything to her again. From the minute that I paused between my words this woman started it all again. 'You're doing it again. Why can't you talk fluently? I thought there was a problem with the phone, it's not the phone ... it's you. If you can't talk to me fluently, I can't understand you'. 
These words cut me like a knife. At first I didn't know how to react. I didn't know wether to explain it all to her or just leave it. This woman wouldn't understand it either way. 
'Sometimes I have problems speaking fluently' I said to her. She looked at me with this grin on her face. I couldn't figure out why this seemed to be so funny.

I tried to get to the point again and asked her if she wanted to get me the documents. 
After a while of talking she finally started to leave. But before she left, she needed to ask me the one question that I always hate. 'So what's your name?' ... Seriously, why couldn't this woman just leave me alone for the day? Maybe I was overreacting but at that point I wanted to be alone. Away from everyone. I took a deep breath and tried to get my name out. She gave me about 3 seconds before saying 'see, you're doing it again' ... Again with that grin on her face... I breathed out and said my name. She didn't listen.  'My brother couldn't talk fluently either, he got therapy. You know you can get rid of it right?'. I tried to stay as friendly as I could ... I told her that I'm doing therapy and that I'm trying my best. I didn't want to say more. I didn't want to explain how hard I work every single day to get where I am at this point. 

She left. And with that I shut the door, took my seat and started crying. 
Why did this woman get to me like that? I started wondering why I was so upset about it.
It's not that she told me to get therapy, it's not that she had that grin on her face or called me influent. It's that she never gave me the chance to talk. She never gave me time or space to say what I needed to say. And ofcourse that grin and called me influent made my blood boil as well. 

I have done a lot of phonecalls and I have seen a lot of people. I never had anyone react like this in the 1.5 year that I work in the office. I've always been given the time to say what I needed to say and I've always been able to say what I needed to. 

I can't get it out of my head. I still need to see this woman and talk to her. And right now I really don't know if I can do that.

But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to show this woman that I'm amazing at my job. 
She knows that I have this problem, so I have nothing to hide anymore. It's out there and that's actually a good thing. 
She's just one person out of a million. One person in 1.5 years who has said something negative. 
She's like a needle in a haystack and I'm not planning on giving her comments any more attention. 

I also want to make clear that I'm not saying that she is a bad person. I only know her from this experience. I'm sure she didn't mean it in the way that it came across.
I don't think she is a mean person. I'm just saying that it's not okay to act like this around people who have a stutter or any other type of problem.
Respect is a very important part of life.
I just think that people should choose their words more carefull sometimes.


I'm sorry to post something that's a little bit more negative but this was my experience today and I felt like sharing this with all of you. I might seem like a positive person (atleast that's a comment that I get a lot) but that's not how I am all the time. Sometimes I break and I have a hard time. It's all part of it. 


Love,
Natasja 

Let's go back to the beginning ...

As my first post, I wanted to talk a little bit about my journey. Warning, this might be a long post.
 
The first time I remember coming in confrontation with my stuttering was when I was 7.
I was in my first year in middle school and I was a bit 'slower' then everybody else. My teacher, who was a lovely woman and I'm still so greatfull for everything she did for me, recommended to go see a doctor who deals in speakingproblems, dyslexia and that sort of thing. Now, seeing as I was 6 years old, I don't remember a lot of it anymore. The thing I do remember is that I had go sit in a room and I had to pronounce certain sounds/letters/words etc.
I also had to do these tests that would tell if I was 'behind' on the other kids or not.

 After 3 hours of this kind of torture, don't forget I was a kid and I had the concentration of a fish, the doctor came in and told my parents I would never be able to finish middle school because of my disfluency in speaking and reading. He suggested going to this school that was specialized in kids who had a handicap.

My parents took the results to my teacher and she was not having it. She told my parents there was nothing wrong with me and that I would be able to do great if I just had a little bit more help.
It's not because a kid has a stutter, he or she is behind on everyone else. People should really get that into their head.

So I kept on going to the same school until I was 13. I felt good there. I didn't feel like an outcast.The teachers and kids knew that I had a stutter and the accepted me for it. I got help whenever I needed it.
Did I get laughed at? Yes I did. But I knew that I could get trough this. I needed to.

To help me, I did follow speech therapy from ages 6 until 12. In the beginning I had to go 3 times a week for an hours. So I would come home, eat, go to therapy, come home and do my homework. Then It was straight to bed. You could say I didn't really have a lot of free time. Ofcourse, over the years the therapy went from 3 hours a week, till 1 hour a week.

From my 13th till my 18th I went to high school in the same schoolcomplex as middle school.
Ofcourse high school is a whole different kind of deal. New people, new teachers, new classes ... in other words, a new kind of stress.
Overall I can't complain about my high school experience. Again, I had good teachers and nice classmates.

I remember that during the second class of German, I had to repeat a sentence. I got so nervous that I couldn't say anything. The teacher asked me what was wrong and I told her that I had a stuttering problem.
She was so sweet about and she let me and my other classmate who had the same thing, come by during lunch so that we could practice German together.
My English teacher also did the same. I still appreciate this so much.
Presentations or reading assignments were also seperated. I had the chance to do them seperated from the group.
It might seem like a preferential treatment but my grades were depending on this. I wasn't bad at German or English, but being with 13 other people got me too nervous to speak or read. I wasn't going to let this problem take away my good grades.

Because of some problems I did return to speech therapy at the end of the schoolyear. Eventhough I was doing pretty good and my stuttering wasn't a big problem, I didn't feel good in my own skin. Having this was slowly making me more insecure.

So by this time I graduated middle and high school. So, eat this doctor whatever you name was.
I had to work very hard, that's no secret. When others were at a party, I was home. Studying and having no life. So it sure wasn't easy.

After this it was time for college. I did go to speech therapy during this whole first year.
I studied nursing. Long story short, it was not my thing. Eventough I loved to help people, I didn't feel 100% sure of it.
My stuttering felt better, so that was not the main problem. The problem was me.

After failing my internship I decided to do something totally different. I choose a bachelor education in finances and insurances. To this day, I still don't regret it.

So again, new school, new teachers and new classmates. But I felt more comfortable in my own skin. On the first day I already had new friends and I felt more sure of myself, thanks to An and her amazing therapy.

I'm not going to go into detail of my years in college. But I am going to talk a bit about my last year.
Your last year of college is the year with the most of stress. For me the stress became a bit unbareble.
It got to the point where I didn't knew how to handle my stutter anymore. It felt out of control. I felt like I needed help.  I felt exhausted, I felt empty.  I needed someone to talk to so I went to the counselor in school. Once a week we talked about everything. She really helped me to get trough these last months in school.

After 6 months of classes and exams it was time for the last part, the internship. I got an internship at a local insuranceagent. I already knew the boss because he is a friend of my parents. The internship itself went pretty well.  The hardest part for me what getting over my fear of phonecalls. But we will get into that later on.
I graduated in june and I got a full time job at my internship a week after my graduation. So things were going pretty well.

Yes things were going pretty well. But I still had the same feelings as before. Maybe even more now because I had to deal with these phonecalls every single day from now on. I had to deal with people looking at me weird because I can not talk fluently. I had to deal with people getting mad at me on the phone because I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't keep hiding this frustration anymore.

In november I decided to go back to a speech therapist. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep on going like I was fine while I wasn't. This thing was eating me up inside. It was making me even more scared that I was before.
I searched for a therapist and that's where I found Leen. My first meeting with her felt like I was talking to someone I knew for a while. And that is when you know you have found the right therapist. I didn't feel judged.

I have been going to Leen for about 6 months now. During those 6 months there have been a lot of ups and downs. Most of them are psychological. It felt like all I did was cry about this.
The hardest part right now is trying to accept that this stutter is still here. When I was little I always thought that by the time I turned 23, it would have been gone. Sadly enough, there is no quick cure for this. It's a long time process and I still have a long time to go.
For now, I am just learning how to accept this. If I have learned anything, it's the fact that there is no use in fighting this because it won't just go away. 

I hope you guys take this journey with me.


I would really appreciate it if you leave me a note to tell me what you think of my blog so far.
I would just love to know if you think I should keep going with this or not.