I've never been one to put personal matters on facebook or on instagram. I have never put something on my facebook/instagram about my stuttering because I was always afraid of reactions. And I was ashamed. Imagine everyone you know, knowing about your stuttering. It always gave me shivers. Good friends knew, but it's not something you tell everyone.
Biggest part why I never mentioned it was because it was something I couldn't accept.
I can imagine that a lot of you are also going through the same thing.
Ever since I have this blog I feel more secure talking about my stutter. Even when I talk to Leen about it, I don't feel so hold back anymore.
So, for the first time, I posted something on my instagram about stuttering. And I thought that I would share it with you guys.
I think every one of us should be proud of who we are. No we're not like everyone else but we don't have to be. We are who we are and that's nothing to be ashamed off.
So keep this quote in mind, every single day. We are doing great!
I've been a stutterer since I've had the ability to speak. For years I was ashamed. For years I've been hard on myself, nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to make my stutter less important by always trying to be better than everyone else. I never once thougth I was good enough. I was a hard worker, with a reason. Because that was actually something I could control. Mentally, stuttering is very heavy. It's like you are fighting a constant war inside your head. 'Why can't I say my own name?' 'If I order that, will I be able to actually pronounce the word?'. Every word that comes out your mouth is twisted, turned and thougth about carefully ... I've been living with this for 24 years and I have finally accepted it and come to terms with who I am. I might not be normal, but who cares? I am who I am. I'm working hard in therapy every single week and for the first time in 24 years, I am actually proud of myself. This post is for everyone who is ever ashamed of who they are. You are great and you should never let your own thoughts hold you back. Keep on being amazing ☺️💐
Love,
Natasja
xx
Since a few months I follow a couple groups on facebook about stuttering.
Because everyone is so open, everything gets discussed. Good experiences and bad ones.
People share their frustrations, views and daily situations with posts and video's. It's amazing to see that everyone is so supportive of eachother and so nice to one another.
I thought it would be a good idea to share those groups on here. You don't have to post something or share something, you can just be a part of the community. I have posted twice so far and I try to read every post that comes on there.
It's comforting to know that we are not alone in this struggle. So many of us experience the same things. The doubts, the fears, the victories and the hard days. It's eye-opening to see that eventough we feel alone, we're not truely alone.
Don't be afraid to talk about your stutter. It can help a lot. I know that it's not easy but it's very rewarding.
I'm a member of these groups on facebook:
- That's easy for you to say
- Stuttering community
They're both closed groups and the atmosphere is really great. People won't judge but they will listen to you. They will comfort you, eventhough they are on the other side of this globe. They will celebrate with you eventhough they don't know you well. It's amazing to feel like we are all connected.
I hope you guys find comfort and strenght by joining these groups and that it can help you it whatever way you want or need.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Much Love,
Natasja
xx
For this post I just wanted to share a positive experience I've had this week.
I've been working really hard on how I feel towards my stuttering. I've come a long way.
A year ago I hated who I was, I hated that I wasn't like everyone else. I felt like I could never be good enough because of my stutter. It controlled my life at that point. I would stop talking, avoid certain conversations or situations ... I didn't feel at ease and I felt like I couldn't control it, like I couldn't control myself.
That was a year ago. I'm happy to say that those feelings have faided and made place for more positive thoughts.
This has shown a lot in my self esteem at work. For the last couple of weeks I've been making a lot of progress with it comes to the telephone. So much that even my boss noticed.
This tuesday I had to call the insurance company to get them to accept a customer again. Not an easy task. Especially not when they have been thrown out. I kept really calm and tried to explain everything. I actually dared to ask questions. I dared to express my opinion. I wasn't afraid to talk. And it was the first time in a long time I did all of it while my boss could listen to every single word I said.
While I was talking he came by and gave me a thumbs up. I couldn't be happier. When I finished he told me that he was very impressed. I can not even put into words how amazing that felt. He said he notices that I feel better in my own skin and that I'm getting more secure with everything I do.
I've been putting a lot of work into my stuttering. Not only in my speaking but also in how I mentally feel about it. I've said it a lot but stuttering is not only a 'speaking problem', mentally it's very hard.
Having my boss, someone who sees my every single day, say that he is impressed really took me by heart. He's not the easiest person to impress haha.
I was even able to say my name 2 times this week to someone in person. Without having a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. I can not tell you how long it has been since I was able to do that.
Or the fact that I can introduce the company while I'm the one calling someone ... It took me so long to get that but so far it's going great.
When it comes to stuttering I always see negative experiences being put out. But I really want to keep the postive vibe up. And yes that is coming from the same girl that would cry her eyes out when she made a blockage.
I try to keep the positive experiences in mind. Have I had blockages did week? Yes I did. Did I mind? No I didn't. I managed them as good as I could.
Sometimes it's not about getting rid of the stutter. It's about learning how to live with it and speak with it.
It's hard and a lot of work but the positive experiences make it all worth it.
I know that this post is probably all over the place but I just want to show everyone that we should never give up. We can do a lot more than we think. Sometimes it's just all about stepping out of your comfort zone.
Much love,
Natasja
xx
Have a great weekend!
What do you do after a stressfull day where your stuttering has been worse than usual? Or on a day where it's just harder to deal with it?
Everybody deals with stuttering in their own way. But for this post I'm going to share some of the things I do after I've had a hard day. On these days it feels like have no control over it. Mentally It always feels like I'm drained because I keep overthinking it. So for me it's important that after work, I can relax to the fullest.
The first thing I do when I leave work is get in my car and put on some songs.
I will sing along to every single one of them and by the time I get home I usually feel better. I think this is because it just feels relieving to sing and not stutter at all. Plus, can you really be sad when you heard a great song? I can't.
When I get home it's time to cook dinner. Usually my boyfriend does that but on days where I don't feel great, I will. Maybe it's weird but it just helps me relax.
While I cook me and my boyfriend usually discuss our days and he will listen to me rant about pretty much everything that went wrong.
Sometimes It's just good to talk about it. If there is anything I've learned than it's the fact that keeping everything bottled up doesn't solve anything. It's good to talk about it and be open. The more you close yourself, the more stressfull it will get.
After dinner I will usually take a quick shower. Again, I don't know why but taking a shower just makes me feel better. Like I can wash everything off me.
Now it's time to watch a little bit of TV. Ah TV, it's just fun to look at someone else their drama. Often I will drink a coffee or some tea while I watch tv. It's like a hug in a mug.
After an hour/hour and a half I will go upstairs.
Last thing I do is read a little bit. I will read out loud for about 10 minutes and after that I'll read the rest in silence until I fall asleep. Reading out loud was very hard when I just started therapy. I couldn't read 4 words without have a blockage. When I read fluently after such a hard day, It gives me a good feeling. Like I'm not completely lost. It's good to end a hard day on a good note.
The things I do aren't anything special but they help me. As I said, everyone deals with it on their own way. Some people like to talk about their day, others don't. It's personally and that's totally okay.
Sometimes the smalles thing can make you feel better.
Enjoy your easter weekend guys!
Much Love,
Natasja
Ps. sorry it took so long to get another post up. Things have been a bit crazy here.
Thanks for sticking around. You guys are great!
We all think about it. What would our lives be like if we didn't stutter? What would we do differently?
Sometimes I think about it and I realise that I wouldn't have it any other way. Because maybe without my stutter I would not have studied finances. Maybe I would be a nurse right now , like I intended to be.
I wouldn't know what it is to fight for something, to hold on when everything seems to be against you. I wouldn't know the struggle so many of us face today.
I wouldn't have build up a life with Sepp because he would not be in the picture. Just like many of my friends who I met through my studies.
This one thing, eventhough we despise it, has shaped us into the person we are. It has shaped our lives.
For me it's hard to imagine a life without it. But for this post I'm going to tell you some of the things I would do if I didn't have my stutter for a day. A girl can dream can't she?
I would order every single thing in a restaurant that I had never had the guts for because of the difficulty of the word or the fear of stuttering. I would look at the menu without thinking to myself 'If I want to order this, will I be able to say the word?'.
Starbucks here I come. I would order myself a drink at Starbucks and actually say my name to the guy/girl behind the counter.
I would not lay the phone down at work and call for every single point on my agenda. I wouldn't care if I could search it myself in the systems, I would call the companies and proudly introduce myself. I would make small talk with the person on the other line and I would enjoy every minute of it.
I would go up to strangers on the street and introduce myself.
Saying my name without a stutter would be amazing.
I would go to the hospital and read to sick children.
And last but not least, I would just enjoy the day to the fullest.
....
So it would be great to be stutter-free for a day. But I think we just have to enjoy every day to the fullest. Stuttering or not.
One of my childhood friends, 17 years old, passed away from Leukemia. She had her whole life ahead of her. We served the mass together for years and I remember her as a lovely, sweet, friendly and energetic person. It's hard to believe she lost the fight.
It made me realize that all of this really isn't that bad. It might seem like it some days but we still have our whole lives ahead. That's more than some people can say at this point.
Maybe this feeling of 'it isn't that bad' will pass soon, sometimes things happen that change your look on stuttering within an instant. But for now, I'm trying to be as positive about it as I can.
I've had my days where I didn't want to leave the bed because of this. I'm tired of letting it have this effect on me. It's not worth it.
Love,
Natasja
I've said it before and I'll say it again, therapy has been a life changer for me.
Just the fact that I have someone who listens to me rant about my stuttering and who understands what I'm talking about is a gift from heaven.
Therapy helps me deal with problems I can't deal with myself.
There are so many feelings and thoughts that come with stuttering, I'm not the kind of person that can deal with that myself. The tips and tricks that I get from Leen are things that I can not teach myself.
At this point we have just started working on saying my name on the phone/in person etc.
I've made a lot of progression with speaking and reading. But this, this is a whole other story.
Here you can read a little bit about the struggle of saying my name.
I think it's finally time to really work on this. I would love to be able to say my name on the phone. Sadly enough it's not that easy. I've been wanting to make this a priority for a long time.
A name is very emotionally loaded. It's something you have been carrying with you for your whole life and you will carry it on for the rest of it. It's something that 2 people who love you so much gave to you. It's a part of your identity.
That's why it's so hard to say. Because there is a lot of pressure to say it.
People expect you to be able to say your name. Ofcourse they would, It's your own name. Nobody 'forgets' their own name right?
Saying my name has always been a big fear. When people ask my name it feels like I'm getting as hot as the sun. It feels impossible to get that under control.
But it's time to work on this. It's time to put as much time and effort in this as I did with my reading and speaking. The will to say my name fluently is far more bigger than the fear. I want this so bad.
I can not speak for every stutterer but I think for most of us, our name has always been a struggle. But I also think that with a lot of help, willpower and practisce, we can get this under control.
So from now on, I'm preparing for a lot of frustration. Probably a lot of crying and complaining. But I'm also preparing for my life to get a little bit easier.
And for that, I can not wait.
Much Love,
Natasja
Have you ever had one of those days were you feel like everything and everyone is against you? Wel,l I had a whole week of this.
When I have a day like that, it reflects on my stutter to the point where it still bothers me the next day. And now it lasted a whole week? Oh good lord.
From the beginning of the week I noticed that I wasn't as fluent as normal. Mondays tend to be my best days because I'm less tired than on a friday.
From the moment I stepped in the office I just had a bad feeling about it all. When I had to explain something to my boss I got blocked. I don't even know why.
When I had to pick up the phone it was like talking fluently was the hardest thing ever. It just wouldn't work. Especially not when your boss is watching you like a hawk.
It was like I was that scared little girl again from a year ago. Strangest feeling ever.
The next couple of days were the same. Some were better than others, they weren't all a total disaster. Monday and Tuesday were definately the hardest out of the whole week. Don't ask me why. I really can't find an explanation for it.
Ofcourse it doesn't help when your boss says 'I notice that your stuttering is worse, are you nervous?' ...
Are you nervous? I hate it when they ask me that. That's the moment where I put on my bitch face. I think people can see my eyes rolling from across the room. No, I can stutter without even having the smallest bit of nerves inside of me, thank you very much. People need to learn that stuttering has other origins than just being nervous. It's not always related to eachother.
It's just so frustrating isn't it? Not even knowing why your stutter is worse on a certain moment or day? You feel like you have everything under control and then BAM. Even the easiest of words become hard. You can compare it with feeling sad all of the sudden. You are sad but you don't have any clue why.
When it keeps happening, the entire day, every phonecall and every conversation become a real burden. And after 3 or 4 you become insecure. When you become insecure you begin to doubt yourself. And when that happends you just get more worried for the next phonecall or conversation. It's a circle and it has no end. Only you can break it.
I came to a point where I was really done with it this week. I just couldn't figure it out anymore. I tried to be calm, to breath, to repeat a part of the word or to make the first letter longer. None of it seem to help anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm hopeless. Is this going to go on forever? Why can't I seem to get this under control? Why can't I pick up the phone and say my name? Why can't I talk fluently? Why can't I be like everyone else?
All of these questions just go through your mind every day, it kills that you can't have any answers to it.
So this week was a hard one. And I'm hoping that next week is going to be better. I'm just trying to move on from it in the best way that I can.
I think this post proves again how having a stutter can play with your mind and your emotions. Even if you don't want it to.
Love,
Natasja
