Explaining my absence

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted something. 3 weeks to be exact. 
I wanted to explain why I have been absent. 

On sunday the 3th of july, I lost someone who I loved to the moon and back. 
Someone that has been a part of my life for 24 years and that has been very important to my whole family.
Someone that raised my dad to be who is today and who has had a big influence on us all. 
Someone that took my dad in when he was 18 years old and ever since has opened up her heart and home to us all. 
She was my dad his aunt. But she was so much more.
When we heard that she had lost her 4 month battle with bone cancer, our world fell apart. 

Losing someone is never easy. Everyone deals with it in a different way.
For me, it was like the world stopped turning for a whole week. 
From the moment I heard to the news to the moment I drove home from the funeral. It was like everything and everyone else didn't matter. 

I became frustrated with everything and started crying at the most random times. 
I wanted to say goodbye to her because she deserved to be at peace. But at the same time, I didn't. 
The funeral was on friday, and I'm still very greatfull to my boss for letting me take that day off. From waking up to going to sleep, all I could think about was her. But she finally found rest. The rest that she truely deserved. She fought hard for more than 4 months. She deserved to have peace. 

Emotionally I was a wreck. And it showed. 
I only ate one meal a day, it felt like my stumach was turning with every bite I took. 
I couldn't sleep properly and woke up around 4 am almost every single day. 
I forgot almost everything and couldn't focus on anything for longer than a monute.
My stuttering was bad before and since this happened it's like it hit me even harder. Made me question myself harder. I didn't even dare to use my tips anymore. 

2 days after the funeral it was time to leave on holiday. It felt a little bit weird but this had been booked since the beginning of june. I couldn't stay home. Plus, I needed some rest. 
I was constantly worrying. I couldn't take it anymore. For more than 3 months I had felt so much pressure at work that it felt like I was at my end. For more than 4 months I worried about my aunt. I couldn't carry any more. My bagpack with worries was too full. It was time to unload.

So on sunday we left for Germany. To a small, quiet place called Lösnich close by the Mosel. The Mosel is the wine region of Germany and my god, it's so beautiful. 
I found rest again and I'm so greatfull for that. 

I started work again on monday and I have to say that I was a bit worried. 
My stuttering is still the same but I did have therapy this week. 
I talked to Leen about everything and she made me see that it's normal to have a setback when you are going trough big amounts of stress. 
We are only human and we have a right to react the way that we do. 
She adviced me to take a step back and start getting comfortable with repeating or prolonging words again. 
We did some excercises and those really helped me get back on track. 

My biggest challenge right now is getting comfortable again with picking up the phone and with making a stutter. 
I need stop putting pressure on myself to answer the phone in a certain way, no matter what Johan might say about it. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. So for the last month I got scared to pick up the phone (surprise surprise) and I could not get any further than 'Hello'. Or as Johan might say 'You're picking up the phone like a cleaninglady' ...
Well I am a cleaninglady because I make sure your office is spot clean every single week! 
But other than that, he is right. And because I'm scared for his reaction, I start to doubt myself again and put more pressure on the action of picking up the phone. 
It's a circle. 

I know I can do this. I've done a very good job for a whole year with picking up the phone. I can't be scared. I shouldn't be. 

So for the next couple of weeks, this will be my motto:
'Never let the fear or striking out, keep you from playing the game'. 



Thanks for sticking by me! 

Much love,
Natasja 

A little setback.

As I'm writing this, I don't even know how to put everything I feel into words. I don't know how to put all of these emotions into one good blogpost. But that's exactly what I'm going to attempt. 

I've said it in my last post, I have been under a lot of stress. Sadly enough, that hasn't changed. It has only become worse. Work is very busy and I feel like I try so hard but I can't seem to get anything done. Ever felt like that? Like you have been working hard but not getting anything done? No? Well maybe that's just me then.

So these last few weeks have been a challenge. I was not in the mood to even deal with my stutter anymore. I didn't want to think about it or work on it. I didn't want to give it any attention anymore. I wanted it to shut up and be gone. I didn't want to do my excercises. I was done with it.

Lucky enough I have a therapist who understands me. During my last session we talked about it and she understood everything that I was trying to make clear. And that is not easy because sometimes I don't even understand what I'm trying to say. I felt like I shouldn't complain but at the same time all I want to do is complain. Leen is a savior. For real. I have no idea what I would do without her. 
After that session I felt a bit better and friday was actually a good day. 

Now on to this week. Where do I start? It has been a complete disaster. It has gotten to the point where I can't even get any further than 'hello' on the telephone. 
Why? Probably stress and the fact that I'm doubting myself again. 
I can't seem to shake feeling bad about it. I try so hard to keep positive but I can't. I was doing so well and now it feels like my hard work was all for nothing.
It really feels like your heart is sinking into your shoes. For the first time in a long time I felt powerless and nervous in the office. 

Right now I think I just can't accept that I'm having a setback. I was doing so good and I was so happy with all of the progress that I made. 
But at the same time I also know that sometimes you need a setback to see exactly how far you have come. 

So the question I'm asking myself right now is 'how can I handle this?'. How do I handle this in a way that I just move on and try to get back to where I was? 
At this point, I don't know. But I do know that I have worked too hard to just let this get me down. 

Things like this happen. Stutterer or no stutterer, sometimes life gets that little bit harder. And we either handle it or we give up. 
I think what bothered me the most was the fact that I felt like I couldn't even talk to anyone about it because I don't want to complain. Why should I right? Everything else is going great. But if I feel bad than I can talk about it. If you feel like something is bothering you than it's your right to talk about and share how you feel. We shouldn't be afraid or ashamed about that. 

Monday is a new start, a new week. And we will see how it goes. I will keep you posted. 
Thank you for dealing with my ranting posts :-)

Have a good weekend everyone!
Let's take these 2 days to relax.


love,
Natasja 

Let's rewind!

It has been quiet on my blog for a couple of weeks. The reason behind that is the fact that I was going to be alone at the office for about 12 days. I wanted to see how I would deal with that and how my stuttering would be. So I thought it would be better to post after, when everything got back to normal a bit. This way I would have a couple of days to reflect. 

My boss went on vacation for about a week. That meant that I was alone at the office for a couple of days. I've had days where I'm alone, but those are different. Or atleast they feel different. Because during a normal week I know that when I need help, I can always call or text my boss. It's like I always have a back up. This time I was in it all alone.

So how have these days been? I can say one thing, stressfull. Very stressfull. The first 2 days were calm and I handled them very well. But when the third day came around there were doubts that started to sneak their way into my head. Was i really capable of doing this?

More and more phonecalls came in and I was getting a bit stressed out. The main reason of that were troubles with the computer. Long story short, the server crashed. So it was my job to call the IT guy and get it fixed. No problem right? 
I would say no, but our server is our key to every single point of information we have about a client. Adresses, telephone, mail, number of contracts, letters, scanned documents .... Everything is on there. And for about 4 days I could not access that. 
How to make a stressed out cocktail? Just mix doubts with computerproblems and there you go. Enjoy! 

My stuttering was worse during those days. I found that normal. Stress always makes my stuttering get a little harder to deal with. I tried to prepare myself for it but I guess that's something you can not really do. 
I tried to use the tricks I learned during therapy. Making certain letters longer really helped me. 

The hardest part was trying to keep positive. Telling myself that it was just a harder week and that my stuttering would tone down again. It's easy to tell yourself that. It's a little bit harder to believe it. 

Near the end of the week I was completely exhausted. I worked over time almost every single day, wednesday I worked from 8.30 am untill 9 pm. In total I worked 7 hours over time. 
So by friday I felt tired and I started to feel like maybe I didn't have my stuttering under control at all. Was I getting back to my old ways? Was I getting, dare I say it? Negative again? 
I was worried that I would get scared again. Scared to pick up the phone and call someone. 
I refuse to go back to that. 

My stuttering might have been harder on me but I'm glad that I was able to deal with it. 
Talking to Leen that week in therapy also made me realise that it's completely normal to have some harder days again. It happends and there is no shame or harm in it.

It's more important to realise that those days will pass and that everything will get better again as long as you put the work in it and as long as you are positive. 
How we think about something controls our actions. For me that means that when I think negative, I won't be able to make a phonecall anymore. I start to doubt the progress I've made and it's very easy to get back into that negative circle again. One day of this and it can put me back into months of negative doubts.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go down that road. 
My boss was very happy with all the work I did and how I handled everything. And so am I. I think I needed this to show me that I should believe in myself more. 


Love,
Natasja 

They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same ...

I've never been one to put personal matters on facebook or on instagram. I have never put something on my facebook/instagram about my stuttering because I was always afraid of reactions. And I was ashamed. Imagine everyone you know, knowing about your stuttering. It always gave me shivers. Good friends knew, but it's not something you tell everyone. 

Biggest part why I never mentioned it was because it was something I couldn't accept. 
I can imagine that a lot of you are also going through the same thing.

Ever since I have this blog I feel more secure talking about my stutter. Even when I talk to Leen about it, I don't feel so hold back anymore. 

So, for the first time, I posted something on my instagram about stuttering. And I thought that I would share it with you guys. 
I think every one of us should be proud of who we are. No we're not like everyone else but we don't have to be. We are who we are and that's nothing to be ashamed off. 

So keep this quote in mind, every single day. We are doing great! 

I've been a stutterer since I've had the ability to speak. For years I was ashamed. For years I've been hard on myself, nothing was ever good enough. I wanted to make my stutter less important by always trying to be better than everyone else. I never once thougth I was good enough. I was a hard worker, with a reason. Because that was actually something I could control. Mentally, stuttering is very heavy. It's like you are fighting a constant war inside your head. 'Why can't I say my own name?' 'If I order that, will I be able to actually pronounce the word?'. Every word that comes out your mouth is twisted, turned and thougth about carefully ... I've been living with this for 24 years and I have finally accepted it and come to terms with who I am. I might not be normal, but who cares? I am who I am. I'm working hard in therapy every single week and for the first time in 24 years, I am actually proud of myself. This post is for everyone who is ever ashamed of who they are. You are great and you should never let your own thoughts hold you back. Keep on being amazing ☺️💐

Love,

Natasja 

xx

Groups on facebook

Since a few months I follow a couple groups on facebook about stuttering.
Because everyone is so open, everything gets discussed. Good experiences and bad ones. 
People share their frustrations, views and daily situations with posts and video's. It's amazing to see that everyone is so supportive of eachother and so nice to one another.

I thought it would be a good idea to share those groups on here. You don't have to post something or share something, you can just be a part of the community. I have posted twice so far and I try to read every post that comes on there. 

It's comforting to know that we are not alone in this struggle. So many of us experience the same things. The doubts, the fears, the victories and the hard days. It's eye-opening to see that eventough we feel alone, we're not truely alone. 
Don't be afraid to talk about your stutter. It can help a lot. I know that it's not easy but it's very rewarding. 

I'm a member of these groups on facebook:

- That's easy for you to say
- Stuttering community

They're both closed groups and the atmosphere is really great. People won't judge but they will listen to you. They will comfort you, eventhough they are on the other side of this globe. They will celebrate with you eventhough they don't know you well. It's amazing to feel like we are all connected. 

I hope you guys find comfort and strenght by joining these groups and that it can help you it whatever way you want or need.


Have a great weekend everyone.


Much Love,


Natasja 
xx

Something positive

For this post I just wanted to share a positive experience I've had this week. 

I've been working really hard on how I feel towards my stuttering. I've come a long way. 
A year ago I hated who I was, I hated that I wasn't like everyone else. I felt like I could never be good enough because of my stutter. It controlled my life at that point. I would stop talking, avoid certain conversations or situations ... I didn't feel at ease and I felt like I couldn't control it, like I couldn't control myself. 

That was a year ago. I'm happy to say that those feelings have faided and made place for more positive thoughts. 

This has shown a lot in my self esteem at work. For the last couple of weeks I've been making a lot of progress with it comes to the telephone. So much that even my boss noticed.

This tuesday I had to call the insurance company to get them to accept a customer again. Not an easy task. Especially not when they have been thrown out. I kept really calm and tried to explain everything. I actually dared to ask questions. I dared to express my opinion. I wasn't afraid to talk. And it was the first time in a long time I did all of it while my boss could listen to every single word I said. 

While I was talking he came by and gave me a thumbs up. I couldn't be happier. When I finished he told me that he was very impressed. I can not even put into words how amazing that felt. He said he notices that I feel better in my own skin and that I'm getting more secure with everything I do. 
I've been putting a lot of work into my stuttering. Not only in my speaking but also in how I mentally feel about it. I've said it a lot but stuttering is not only a 'speaking problem', mentally it's very hard. 

Having my boss, someone who sees my every single day, say that he is impressed really took me by heart. He's not the easiest person to impress haha. 

I was even able to say my name 2 times this week to someone in person. Without having a blockage that lasts 10 seconds. I can not tell you how long it has been since I was able to do that. 
Or the fact that I can introduce the company while I'm the one calling someone ... It took me so long to get that but so far it's going great. 

When it comes to stuttering I always see negative experiences being put out. But I really want to keep the postive vibe up. And yes that is coming from the same girl that would cry her eyes out when she made a blockage.

I try to keep the positive experiences in mind. Have I had blockages did week? Yes I did. Did I mind? No I didn't. I managed them as good as I could.


Sometimes it's not about getting rid of the stutter. It's about learning how to live with it and speak with it. 
It's hard and a lot of work but the positive experiences make it all worth it. 

I know that this post is probably all over the place but I just want to show everyone that we should never give up. We can do a lot more than we think. Sometimes it's just all about stepping out of your comfort zone.

Much love,
Natasja 
xx

Have a great weekend!

How I deal with a stressfull day ...

What do you do after a stressfull day where your stuttering has been worse than usual? Or on a day where it's just harder to deal with it? 

Everybody deals with stuttering in their own way. But for this post I'm going to share some of the things I do after I've had a hard day. On these days it feels like have no control over it. Mentally It always feels like I'm drained because I keep overthinking it. So for me it's important that after work, I can relax to the fullest. 

The first thing I do when I leave work is get in my car and put on some songs. 
I will sing along to every single one of them and by the time I get home I usually feel better. I think this is because it just feels relieving to sing and not stutter at all. Plus, can you really be sad when you heard a great song? I can't. 

When I get home it's time to cook dinner. Usually my boyfriend does that but on days where I don't feel great, I will. Maybe it's weird but it just helps me relax. 
While I cook me and my boyfriend usually discuss our days and he will listen to me rant about pretty much everything that went wrong. 
Sometimes It's just good to talk about it. If there is anything I've learned than it's the fact that keeping everything bottled up doesn't solve anything. It's good to talk about it and be open. The more you close yourself, the more stressfull it will get. 

After dinner I will usually take a quick shower. Again, I don't know why but taking a shower just makes me feel better. Like I can wash everything off me. 

Now it's time to watch a little bit of TV. Ah TV, it's just fun to look at someone else their drama. Often I will drink a coffee or some tea while I watch tv. It's like a hug in a mug. 
After an hour/hour and a half I will go upstairs. 

Last thing I do is read a little bit. I will read out loud for about 10 minutes and after that I'll read the rest in silence until I fall asleep. Reading out loud was very hard when I just started therapy. I couldn't read 4 words without have a blockage. When I read fluently after such a hard day, It gives me a good feeling. Like I'm not completely lost. It's good to end a hard day on a good note.

The things I do aren't anything special but they help me. As I said, everyone deals with it on their own way. Some people like to talk about their day, others don't. It's personally and that's totally okay. 
Sometimes the smalles thing can make you feel better. 



Enjoy your easter weekend guys!

Much Love,
Natasja 


Ps. sorry it took so long to get another post up. Things have been a bit crazy here.
Thanks for sticking around. You guys are great!